Yes you've reached Jana

Opinions on Shamcey Supsup, Amongst Other Things Which Are Kind of Important Too.

2011-09-14T19:51:00.003+08:00

I love her answer.

I also expected third place.

I still wouldn't want to change her answer.

We're living in a world where expressing your individuality warrants getting crushed. Where believing strongly in one thing and not the other forces people to ostracize you. Especially when it comes to religion. The popular notion is that all roads lead to heaven, and express anything otherwise is to earn the scorn of your peers. "How dare you think that yours is the only way? How dare you consider your religion superior than mine? Why can't my way be the way too?"

Why do you think Christianity is hated so much by the world? It's because of its claims to be the only way. The only path to salvation. That's why people can't stand it. It's no wonder really why she got third place. (Sidebar: Muslims claim it too, but people usually don't say much out of fear. Even though most Muslims that I know are lovely people, the overwhelming notion of other people who do not know them equate them to scary monsters - all untrue of course). But that's what Christianity is, it's exclusive.

That's what Christianity is all about, being the only way, the only path to salvation. That's why if you choose to be a Christian, you better be in it for the long haul. Because even though it has great rewards in the end, the path that you chose isn't going to be easy.

When Shamcey said those words, I whooped inside because I wouldn't have answered any differently. But at least let me try my hand at it? Ahem, ahem.

Miss Macabali, would you change your religious beliefs to marry the man you love? Why or why not?
No, I would not change them because even though I can love a man who does not share my religious beliefs, I could never be with him because he does not love my God. I would rather choose to be alone than to be with someone who cannot share my passion for my God, for my Christ, for my Savior. My faith is an integral part of who I am, and if he does not share my faith then he cannot have me at all, at least not in that way. We're still good when it comes to remaining as friends though.

(Sidebar: Miss Macabali as a Miss Universe contestant? Stop dreaming Jana, dearest. It's never gonna happen. Ever.)

You want to be a Christian? Then you got to be willing to pay the price. It's not about being rich, or being satisfied in this world. It's about being presented with a choice: this world or Christ. This path that the world gives, or the path where Christ saves.

I chose my Christ, and I've never once regretted it.

Where I Eat My Previous Words

2011-07-18T21:31:00.001+08:00

Yummy.

I guess I really should finally acknowledge properly what happened, in regards to the whole law school thing. It's kind of funny, how some of my semi-serious, semi-focused on my life entry was all about declaring that I was going to continue my studies in law school. Then probably about a week or two later, I find myself standing in front of my blockmates, telling them that that Saturday was my last day as a law student.

I disappointed a lot of people, and I think I crushed the heck out my parents hearts. But most of all, I disappointed myself. Well a part of myself anyway, because the other bigger part, the part that made me quit in the first place, was so happy at being free finally that it was just dancing with joy the moment I exited the door of that class and closing it behind me both in reality and in my mind for good.

Still, there was the disappointed part.

To be a lawyer was my dream. Ever since I watched Ally McBeal and became a part of the debate team back in highschool. Even after I finished Bible College, and trained myself to be a missionary, I still wanted to be a lawyer. I told myself that I was going to use my lawyer-ness, so that I could into countries and help more people. But I really just wanted to be a lawyer.

The part of me that wanted that was really quiet during that month of torture. In fact it didn't even make much of a fuss when I was quitting. Even now, all it's ever done was to just mope around like the sad, useless person that it is.

I want to ask her so many things. Where were you when I was having such a hard time? Where were you when my values in life were being questioned? Where were you when I had wanted to give up? Why didn't you stop me? You were the reason I entered law school in the first place, because you wouldn't shut up. You were so excited when I got in! You were so happy when I passed! Then you suddenly abandon me when I needed you the most?

But all she does is remain silent, and disappointed.

Disappointed because she didn't get to be a lawyer? Maybe. But she's also disappointed that though she really wanted to be a lawyer in the beginning, she also soon discovered that it was not the life she wanted to lead.

I wanted to be a lawyer so bad, and for that one month that I was in law school, I realized that no, if this is what lawyers do and what lawyers have to face, and if this is how lawyers should react to the cases and how they ought to treat people, then no, I discovered that being a lawyer was not meant for me after all.

It wasn't hard to be a law student. Sure you don't get enough sleep, and sure you face teachers who think that scaring you until you pee in place is a good teaching method. But study wise? The material? It wasn't that hard. Reading all the cases was tedious and tiring, but it wasn't hard to understand. So I'd like to think it wasn't because it was so hard that I decided to give up, at least just to pacify my bruised ego.

Disappointed me is mostly just that. Disappointed, not that I quit but that I actually had the idea to quit. Disappointed that the dream I've had ever since I was a high school student wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Disappointed to discover that when the rose-colored glasses came of, there was nothing else that was anchoring me to stay in the world of law.

Other than pride.

Pride was the only reason I could give for me to stay. I told so many people that I was going to be a lawyer with a cause to fight for. I was puffed up, every time anyone would congratulate me on getting into the top law school in the country. My head grew bigger at every opportunity, every compliment, every awe and smile that why yes Jana, you're going to be a lawyer now! I hadn't even finished law school, and already there were so many claiming that I was going to be their lawyer, that they were going to be my clients. I welled up every time my parents would boast about me to my other relatives, relatives who always questioned my decision to study in a Bible College, and knowing that they too are proud of me because I was going to be the first lawyer in the family.

But I can't live on pride alone.

And pride was all I had in law school.

So yeah, I quit law school, because what else could I do? The first week in, I already knew that I was going to hate being a lawyer, and that feeling never died. I hated being a lawyer, and I hated that I was spending all this time, FOUR LONG YEARS, in studying something that I had already told myself that I would never practice.

I quit.

Not because I couldn't do it, though I guess you can say that. But it's mostly because I didn't want to do it. So now what? Well if you must know, I'm trying to get a job, because I want to study some more. Study something that I really want to do in my life. I want to be exposed to the things that I chose to be in college. I wanted to be a part of something that gave me passion, and gave me purpose and I only felt that when I was training myself to be a missionary.

So there you have it.

Accept it or not, but that's basically why I quit law school.

Lotsa love, Jana

Law School Blues

2011-06-30T17:35:00.002+08:00

I hate being stressed out.

Honestly, I'm a pretty laid back lady. I prefer doing things on my own pace, and just enjoying life as it comes day by day. Life's too short, is what I always say, and to spend it with a stick up one's behind is waste life. I'm all up for working hard, and having goals, and dreams, and stuff like that, but if one isn't happy, then why must one continue on a path that only makes them miserable?

So I spent most of my life that way, and in fact that's how I spent five years of my college life. It was just me, enjoying my studies, loving it for what it is. It was hard, but I had fun. Why? Because I loved every single moment of it. I loved every single knowledge of information that I'm getting while I'm studying because Theology had become my true love.

Now that I've graduated, I decided to branch out and to try out a new area in my life. I embarked on the legal side of the planet. Law School was my next step. Before school got started, people already told me to be afraid. That it would be unlike anything you have ever experienced in your entire life. That there would be sleepless nights, and that there would stressful days.

I guess I let it color my life.

First few weeks of law school was hell on earth. I hated it with such a passion that I didn't know existed within me. I felt like I was stuck in highschool all over again. I questioned myself, telling myself that this couldn't possibly be the right path for me. I compared it to my undergrad years, and Law School always seemed to fall short of every expectation of happiness for me.

Three weeks, and I had decided maybe quitting right now, wouldn't be such a bad idea. Sure people are going to talk, and they're going to say aww poor baby, couldn't handle the pressure, and I would be fine, because I knew I would be happy. I hated the long hours of reading, and the digesting of the cases. I hated that I didn't seem to have the time to be laid back and to have things at my own pace. I thought I would enjoy studying about law, but the pressure is just too much.

I grew jealous of the rest of my batchmates, who had their life so easy. Some were working, some are taking licensure exams, and some are even getting married. They're moving forward with their life. Me? I'm still stuck in school.

Last night, I watched this movie called 3 Idiots.

It's a great movie about life, friendship and love. But what struck me most during the entire thing was how the movie dealt with the topic of education. From the leading man I learned three things:

Aal izz well - that the heart is an idiot, so when you're feeling the pressure all around you, tell it that aal izz well. It doesn't solve anything, but it'll give you the courage to face your fears.
This is college - not a pressure cooker, so why should I let myself be pressured by fear of the frantic race? Even a circus lion learns to sit on a chair in fear of the whip, but you call such a lion "well-trained" and not "well-educated".
Follow excellence - and success will chase you, pants down. I'll study my heart out, but not because I want good grades. I'll study to be accomplished, and not affluent.

Because of this movie, I realized that yes, I do love where I am. I love learning about law, and it's something that I've always had the passion for. I love that in the end, I would be able to help people. People who couldn't help themselves, and I knew deep down, I love that this is what I'm learning to do.

So, now, like Raju Rastogi, I'm not going to let fear decide my future. I'm not going to let the pressure get to me. I'm not going to let the stress of money, readings, cases, professors affect me anymore. Pass, fail, excel or even barely survive, it's not the issue anymore.

I want to study because I want to learn.

Aal izz well, people.

Lotsa love, Jana

The End of The World?

2011-05-21T20:32:00.002+08:00

Warning: I shall be ranting.

It's May 21 and it's 8 pm. The world is not ending, and I never believed it in the first place anyway. I wonder how Camping and his people are going to worm their way out of this one. I know they'll make some lame excuse, that people will believe it because that's just how they roll, and they'll still say that what Camping said was valid.

I don't really care, and I don't really want to spend my time bashing against these people. They believe what they believe, it's their prerogative. Personally, I think they're sincere, but sincerely wrong.

My problem is with these people making a spectacle of my religious beliefs, because they refuse to study the Bible on their own. That includes these people, and those who choose to make fun of us because of them.

I've always been respectful of other people's beliefs, but what I can't understand is that why can't these same people afford me that right? Humility aside, but I'm one smart kid. I'm not an idiot who just believes whatever is placed in front of me. I do study and weigh my options before I make my life choices.

So, don't insult me.

You want to believe in evolution, that we're created by chance, and that we have no purpose in life than to just have sex, eat and die, then that's your choice, that's your bias.

And you know what else? Atheists claiming they have no bias really piss me off. They do. No one has no bias, that's just ridiculous. Everything, even science takes basic assumptions, (you know those things that they claim to be true even without proof, in other words faith, duh) and no one can prove everything. Just admit it already, and stop acting like you're better than everyone else.

You're not.

Another thing that pisses me off? These people spouting off "proofs" that the Bible isn't real, quotes and verses, taken and out of context and twisted to appear that it's wrong. If you're going to make fun of the Bible at least make sure you know what the heck you're talking about.

Most of these people haven't even read the Bible. Do your research, study what you're trying to discredit because there's a reason why there are a lot of us in this world, you know? I think it's pretty jerky of you to think us all blind idiots, don't you think?

Blah.

End of rant.

My Fair Lady

2011-03-24T21:55:00.002+08:00

Click on the picture to see it in it's original size

I made this while watching My Fair Lady.

It was for my tumblr blog, but I thought I'd share it here as well. I'm really enjoying this drama, except I'm a little frustrated that it took a whole of twelve episodes for them to finally get together.

So glad that they got together now :)

Lotsa love, Jana

Alumna

2011-03-18T12:41:00.006+08:00

A season ending is a funny thing.

Bonus love points if you can spot me ;)

It's hard to think that I've finally graduated from college. That I, Jana Glaiza C. Macabali, am now a bachelor's degree holder; a college graduate. Admittedly, I don't feel any different. I still feel like the same 17 year old girl, first stepping into the College, all excited and scared.

Look at me, all smiles and happiness :D

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad. Of course, I'm sad. I've spent 5 years in that college. To leave it and not feel anything would seem like I'm an actual robot. I met some amazing people in that college. The moment that I rode that MRT ride home from our Seniors' outing, alone, knowing that on Monday we won't be seeing each other anymore for classes. That moment? That moment crushed so hard, and I was just sitting there all mopey and depressed.

But I am excited. I'm excited for what this new season is going to bring me. Just as I was excited that I was finally leaving Brunei, and exploring the world of college in the Philippines; I feel just as excited leaving the world of FEBIAS College of Bible, a.k.a. the College, and entering a whole new world of the University of the Philippines, henceforth now known as Law School, and learning about it.

There is one thing that's different though.

Back then, I was so excited to leave Brunei, with it's bad memories and it's general horribleness with only a pinch of happiness, but now I'm only slightly excited to leave the College, with it's great memories and it's general awesomeness with only a pinch of sadness.

I'm happy that I managed to get into Law School, but know this. I may be a UP student now, but I will always be a FEBIAS-student-alumna by choice, heart, and home.

Being all cool with my shades and the wind in my hair

See you all in the future, it's going to be a blast.

Lotsa love, Jana

Law School, Really?

2011-02-12T21:03:00.002+08:00

Click for the bigger the picture and to see my name :)

Here it is.

The proof that I got into a very prestigious law school. In fact it's THE law school of the country. The state university. The University of the Philippines. Out of three thousand students, 218 were chosen and I was one of them. But, weirdly? I still haven't completely accepted it yet.

Not because I don't want to enter the school but because I still can't believe it. Until now, it hasn't sunk in. I can't even get myself excited or even scared for the horror stories because I keep thinking that the next time I check, my name isn't going to be there.

But it's there.

My name is always there every single time I check.

I can't believe I'm going to law school, and I can't believe that I even got accepted at the University of the Philippines. Out of the three thousand students who took the LAE, only 218 were chosen, and I was one of them. Oh I'm sorry, have I said that before? I'm dreadfully sorry, but I still can't get over it, sorry.

...

Actually, I'm just scared.

I'm freaked out, but I'm also quite excited.

Maybe that's why I still can't get it until now.

Lotsa love, Jana

Greetings to All

2010-12-25T00:01:00.003+08:00

I'd like to take this opportunity, in between spoonfuls of food and bonding time with my brother and all the movies I've accumulated through the years, and say Merry Christmas to some very special people in my life.

To my batchmates, Aletheia:

I love you guys. We've been through so many crap together that we actually have no choice but to get close to one another. You made my stay here in the Philippines so much more meaningful, and my stay at the College more than bearable.

To the people over the seas:

My unnies, my Bruneian buddies, my RP pals, my Canadian brothers, and this one British dude who I love with all my heart. It's hard to see you guys, like literally, but you've become people that even though miles away I can trust to be with me when I'm depressed and down and out. So thank you for that.

To my partners-in-crime:

To Jam, Nadie, Paola, Carla, Keiti, So Yummy, Friend Ko and Baks. You know everything there is to know about me, and you know with just one look whether I'm happy or not. It's been proven over and over again, that even though we stop speaking for longest period of time, we can still talk nonstop about anything under the sun. You guys are my sisters and my... well sisters (I'm kidding, Baks), not in the flesh, but every bit the spirit of it.

To my family:

To my Dad, my Mom and my brother, you guys are the best. The best group of people that I was blessed to spend most of my life with. You guys are awesome. I'm thankful for every single bit of good thing about me, and my personality, because every single bit of it comes from you guys.

To my boyfriend:

Heehee. Aww, you know I still can't believe that we're together, right? I'm so blessed to have you. You know you're lucky to have me, right? *wink* hehehehehe. I'm kidding, but joking aside I'm so thankful that you're willing to take me as I am, with all of my shortcomings and all of my mistakes.

To the most awesome Person ever:

Jesus Christ. Happy Birthday. Thanks for saving me and choosing me to be Yours. Thanks for coming down and though Your stay here wasn't that much fun, I know You loved it and it was worth it for You. With all of my heart, I love You.

Merry Christmas!!!

Lotsa love, Jana

Tired Now

2010-12-23T00:30:00.003+08:00

Juggling with insecurity and pride is exhausting.

At one point you're proud. You boast and you want the whole word to know how awesome you are. You get disappointed when you're not placed in the limelight. You want to be the center of attraction so you do things a little crazy. Sometimes because you're actually crazy, but at other times you just want people to look at you, because people remember the crazy ones. You say something funny, but no one hears, darling repeat until someone laughs. Something moving, and crying and no one hears? Same thing and make sure you have a tissue around for them to think you're such a nice girl too.

At the other end, you're so insecure. There are so many things that you're afraid to do because you look at yourself and you know you're lacking. No matter how much you're encouraged by others that you can do it, you really can, but you know deep in your heart you could never do it. You could never lead people, you could never be the very thing you want people to think that you are. You can never be special, not as special as you tell people that you are.

You're struggling, juggling with both insecurity and pride, so fast both balls seem to become as one and heavy. Oh and they're both such heavy things. You want to drop it, and just live normally, but like the idiot that you are, you still reach for them every chance you get.

Why? Because you're an idiot.

Lotsa love, Jana

Was Going To Speak In Korean But Decided Against It

2010-12-01T08:45:00.003+08:00

It's been a while.

There's so many stories to tell, that I seriously don't know where to start. Should I start with the happy moments? Because there has been so many, so very many that there would be much much to many to mention, but they're all so equally happy that to mention one and not the other would feel like I'm being unfair to them.

Maybe with the few sorrowful moments? There aren't many at all, maybe one or two even, but they've been so big and produce such an impact on me that I couldn't ignore it. They pretty much made my life hell these past few days, but I really don't want to dwell on them anymore, because I promised myself that I would live my life as if they didn't exist, and that's what I will do. So I can't talk about that anymore than this paragraph if I want to stick to that idea, right?

Ah, what to do, what to do?

Lotsa love, Jana

Why I Try Not To Think Too Much

2010-10-26T16:03:00.003+08:00

I've been spending way too much time thinking about Korean dramas and Psych.

(Psych is awesome so therefore it gets it's own category in my head as other important thoughts, sometimes maybe even more. Do I regret spending that much time thinking about Psych, and not on other things? Of course not.)

I've been thinking about it so much that I haven't even realized that dude, it about a couple of months, I'm going to stop being a Senior student, and then I'm going to graduate and then, and then, and then I'm darn scared of what's going to happen in the future.

It's like the Future is creeping up on me and ready to pounce, as if I haven't prepared for it at all. But the things is, I have. I already know what I'm going to take after this, and I pretty much know where I want to take it. I've made plans, followed through on some of them to make sure they happen. Paid up a few things and studies a few ideas here and there.

So why do I feel so unprepared?

Why do I feel as excited as bunny that it's coming oh so soon, and yet scared as a mouse at the prospect of facing my life after college? This is like graduating from high-school all over again. I know, I know I'll settle in as soon as I can after a while, but it was so hard to get used to college, and now I have to get used to university life in a couple of months time?

Also, is it just me, but why does it feel like I've been studying since forever?

Graah.

Now I remember why I don't think too much about these things, and just spend time thinking about fictional stuff. It's because no matter how messy it gets over there, at least I know that they're probably going to end up happily ever-after.

Not so sure about my own life.

Lotsa love, Jana

Knight and Prince

2010-10-04T23:36:00.003+08:00

Warning: This will be cheesy.

Every Sunday we see each other.

Even though I ought to be used to it by now, I still miss you every time Sunday ends, and from Monday to Saturday, I look forward to seeing your smile at seeing me walking down those steps. I don't know if you notice but I pretend that I'm not looking at you as I walk down, so that you won't feel awkward because your smile is as cheesy, as cheesy can be. It feels nice to know that someone is looking forward to you arriving so much that his face literally brightens when he sees you.

This Sunday, though, you were late. I was surprised because I was the one that was usually about ten to fifteen minutes late, and this time I was around thirty minutes late. In my head I was already preparing all the different ways I was going to apologize, but when I came down those steps, you weren't there.

I waited for five minutes, and you came running. I'm sorry to say this, and quite ashamed about it too, but I pretended to be really annoyed with you. In my head I was thinking what if I came early, and I waited for about... thirty-five minutes? But good thing, I didn't drag it too much. Plus you were sweet on the bus, baby you were giggling with me, that I just had to smile.

We ate dinner at a nearby McDonalds.

Call it creepy, but every time I took a spoon (forkful?) of spaghetti into my mouth, I took tiny glimpses of you. After three years, seven months and twenty-three days, I still could no believe that we're together. I still can't believe that looking at you still makes me smile, and that you looking at me and smiling still makes agitated butterflies in my stomach.

Darling, you are apparently still my prince.

My knight in shining armor.

Lotsa love, Jana

A Failed Attempt

2010-10-02T13:38:00.005+08:00

Intelligent musings?

Now, unfortunately, if you came here looking for that, I have none to offer. I have dreams about Barney, fangirling nonsense for drawn anime men, and your regular what-happened-to-me-today type of entries, but intelligent musings. No, no, none of that here.

I envy those who can write things like that, it seems when God was showering that type of blessing to people, I was under an umbrella. I can't even make a proper musing without ruining it with nonsense upon nonsense.

So now that you know, you may go and look somewhere else. Somewhere, somewhere else for you will not find anything of the type that you're looking for. No, not here. Somewhere else, but never here.

Here is where plans remain as plans and dreams forever never meet reality.

Lotsa love, Jana

P.S. What exactly have I been smoking?

Even I do not know.

Where I Dream About Falcons and Dinosaurs

2010-09-12T21:53:00.006+08:00

I woke up from a good nightmare today.

It had felt so real that the moment I woke up, I thought about it, and I cried about it for a little while. It was lame, and emotional, and blame it on the monthly visitor of blood, so yeah I cried about a stupid dream.

In my dream that was so real like, I'm in this loving relationship with my significant other, the Turtle. He was a falcon god (because nothing is more real than the love of your life turning into a bird every now and then, flying off to do important missions for the greater good of mankind). And we were happy.

But then I met a friend's brother. He was cute, and he was funny, and he made me smile all the time. In fact whenever my falcon god would fly away on his mission, he would always be there to accompany me. Always be there to make me feel awesome, when I missed the Turtle.

Soon enough, I felt myself falling for this friend's brother (who, for the life of me, I can't remember how he looked like, and even whose friend's brother he was supposed to be. All that was clear was that he had a slightly cute goatee). At a sleep over he pecked me on the cheek and told me he loved me.

Then a unlikely mailman came (well hello, Barney the Purple Dinosaur from my imagination, I should have realized I was dreaming when I saw you deliver that letter), with a letter shaped like a falcon, don't ask how, it was just falcon shaped. The letter only had four words:

"I love you more."

But the dream me knew that I loved someone else. It was no longer the falcon god. It was my friend's brother. And we, lamely, walked toward the sunset walking hands, while a falcon lay on the road behind us, crying in pain because of a broken heart.

I woke up.

And I thought about it.

I felt good during the dream.

But I felt good for all the wrong reasons.

I cried, mostly because I'm hormonally unhinged during the first two days of my monthly visitor, but partly because I hated my dream self for feeling good at cheating on the one person I love. I thought could this be possible? Would I ever actually do this to him? I hated the very thought of it.

As I cried, he called me.

Not the friend's brother, my falcon god called me, but this time he was just my normal significant other. And he proceeded to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh till my tears were no longer there and all I felt was contentment. No friend's brother could ever give me the kind of love my falcon god could give.

Any good dream that ends with me hurting my falcon god is never a dream worth repeating. It is nothing but a nightmare worth forgetting.

I love you my falcon god.

Lotsa love, Jana

Officially Denied Hidden Status

2010-08-15T23:51:00.002+08:00

I refuse to hide my scars.

And that’s just my hand

My body is filled with scars, and that’s not an emo-statement of a figurative matter like dude, I’ve got emotional scars of pain, anger and depression against life. Nope, I’m literally scarred all over. I’ve got scars on my legs, on my arms, on my hands, and even this belt like shaped scar at my back. They look pretty much the same as that wretched looking hand and I’ve had them ever since I was seven years old. I’m currently twenty-one, and for fourteen years I’ve been trying to hide them.

Of course, that’s impossible.

Of course. How can you completely hide your body, and still live a normal life (read: not look like an idiot)? But try I did. I’ve spent years wearing long-sleeved shirts, and pants everywhere I went. I even wore gloves at times. The only scar I didn’t manage to hide was my own face. It was hard, and not to mention really, since I’ve been living all my life in the tropics. In Brunei, it was tolerable because everywhere you went there was some semblance of an air-conditioned room, but in the Philippines? You’d die of dehydration from sweating too much, that is if the shame of walking around in sweaty clothes didn’t kill you first.

But I’ve firmly decided that I will no longer hide myself. For practical reasons and for the principle of it. Practical reasons include: it’s hot in the Philippines; I look like an idiot every time I go out, and I no longer want to feel like Edward Cullen who hides from the sun every chance I get.

And the principle is this: these scars are a part of who I am. They’re a part of the mould that formed Jana Macabali. To deny and to hide my scars seems pretty much hiding and denying me, and I no longer want to do that.

This is why this principle automatically follows several other things:

I will not hide my undying love for music. I will sing whenever and wherever I want, and you can’t stop me. Even if I sound like a cross between a bull and very dying frog, I will sing to my heart’s content.

I will not hide my love for predictable comedy shows/movies. Label me as shallow, label me all you want, but I will not back down and watch depressing things just because it’s the smart thing to do.

I will not hide my nationality as a Filipino. Ako ay Filipino na marunong magfilipino at hinding hindi mawawala ang pagmamahal ko sa inang bansa na kahit hindi ko kinalakihan, ay aking ipagyayabang pa rin. Mahal ko ang aking wika, kahit ako’y hindi magaling sa paggamit nito. Hindi ako matatakot magfilipino sa harap ng mga dayuhan, dahil wala akong pakielam kung anu man ang iniisip nila sa akin at sa aking mga kababayan. [For the foreigners who are reading this: I’m a Filipino who knows how to speak Filipino, and I will never lose my love for my Mother Country. Even though I did not grow up here, I will still be proud of it. I love my language, even though I’m not very good at it. I won’t be afraid to speak Filipino in front of foreigners, because I don’t care what they think about me and my countrymen].

I will not hide my belief and my faith as born again Christian. Call me a fanatic, call me religious, and call me whatever name you want, but I will not turn away from the greatest relationship and the greatest friend I have ever met: Jesus Christ.

It starts with my scars and it ends with so much more.

Lotsa love, Jana

Irony, Oh Bitter Irony

2010-08-06T21:58:00.004+08:00

Words are lacking.

Ironically enough, though I say that, I can't seem to run out of words to say, type, shout and express the things that need to be said. Can't seem to describe what I'm feeling though.

I feel like I'm floating on a cloud, and it's not a good floating on a cloud feeling, but more of hanging, high up, in the air, just waiting, waiting, slowly, slowly, excruciatingly painful slowly waiting, till that final time the rain starts and the clouds can no longer hold me up and I fall, spiraling down, down, down into an abyss of darkness and fear, an ocean depth of tears.

Hmm, what do you know, I managed to describe it.

Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the people around me, but all of a sudden this week just blows. I can't wait till all of this is over, and I finally have the chance to leave [you] and all memories [of you] behind.

Sayonara!

Lotsa love, Jana

I Emerge!

2010-07-26T17:56:00.005+08:00

And just like that, here I am, on the other side.

I woke up feeling less pessimistic about life and more than expectant of spending my free time, or whatever that short span of time that the college decides to allow me to have as my own, watching new stuff that I've downloaded. Especially since I've found, to my heart's utter delight a complete collection of this:

GENSOMADEN SAIYUKI!!

Ah, that brings back such fond memories of waiting for it's release every week at a near CD store, the hours spent with my best friend, Jam, and my brother watching it, and who couldn't remember all of those notebooks filled with the latest installation of the fanfics by yours truly in preparation to be typed and uploaded in a fanfic forum (and may I just say back then, I was one of the most active and most read fanfic writers in the place? Humble, I am not, for I was really proud of that work)? Great and fond memories. Of course who could ever forget my obsession for this guy:

SHA GOJYO!

I remember printing pictures of him and "laminating" it with plastic notebook covers and an excessive use of tape. I was young and stupid, and I kept those pictures in my wallet for such a long time. He was always easier to like than real actors because you don't have to read about them falling apart because of whatever is going on in their real life. Hahahah, ah fun, fun, fun times. It made life as a high school student not so tedious.

It totally made my day, knowing that I finally have the complete ULTIMATE collection of this story to watch. It makes these dreary days less dreary.

Plus, Sha Gojyo, now that man is allowed to have long hair.

Lotsa love, Jana

Some Weird Feeling

2010-07-25T21:29:00.003+08:00

I'm staring at a blank screen.

I don't know whether I ought to be sad or happy or annoyed or whatever really in general. Things haven't spiraled out of control just yet, but I'm not exactly doing cartwheels either. It's just everything seems to be at a standstill. I'm expecting something, but nothing is coming. It's like the only new things that are popping about are things to watch for me, but other than that... has it been so pathetic that the only thing new in my life are new episodes of shows to download and watch? Is this all I have now?

I'm probably just depressed at the moment, because I know that the moment I wake up tomorrow, I'll feel bright and chipper, and happy at the prospect of having something new to watch. But tonight, can I just be me, and be just a little down and out? Can I just lock myself up somewhere, crawl into a small corner and just weep?

Can I just do all of that even if I don't know why I want to?

See you on the other side.

Lotsa love, Jana

It Is

2010-07-15T16:25:00.002+08:00

Before the year started, I had a feeling that 2010 was going to be of my best years.

Halfway through, it's been the best one yet. I know it's too early to tell, but I think it's just going to get better. I mean yeah, there have been some crappy days, but the great days always make up for it. So much that I've already forgotten those crappy days filled with crappy reasons.

There is this one crappy event recently, but I am in no mood to dwell upon extended family issues, because I've long accepted the fact that extended family, aren't really the greatest people for me to rely on.

I do apologize for not having updated in a while.

But, not like anyone ever really reads this site anyway.

Things have been going great. School is good. Friends are good. Immediate Family is good. Turtle is always goooooood. Everything is basically on the enjoyment level of gooooood. I even have a great way to spend my free time.

Will probably update when things go topsy-turvy again.

Lotsa love, Jana

How was the Land of the Unexpected Treasures?

2010-05-12T18:34:00.006+08:00

In one word: AWE-wait for it-SOME!

May I just say that it was the best vacation I have ever had. All the expectations, and patience, and whatever it was that I had to do to get to there, was worth it. Being there with my family, seeing my friends again, and being with him, the Turtle, definitely resulted in the best vacation ever known to someone like me.

It felt really great to hang out with the Turtle because it was his first time to be in Brunei. Do you know how great it feels to tour someone around the place you grew up to someone who has never been there? Well it feels great! Seeing him reacting to everything that I showed him like a happy kid, it made everything look brand new, and sparkly.

Being with my parents in Brunei too was wonderful. It has been two long years since we were together, as a complete family. I am just so glad that finally we got to go out together, eat at restaurants together, and have long conversations together.

I know I may not have been rather positive, whenever I talk about my past especially in regards to how it was back there during high school. I admit, it wasn't that great, but I learned a lot, and I met some pretty good best friends who I will treasure for life.

So I guess Brunei isn't such a bummer after all.

Lotsa love, Jana

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T17:06:00.004+08:00

Dear Most Wonderful Woman in the World,

I love you more than words can say. I love you more than actions can show. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, and no matter how many times I say it, it will never, ever be enough to express how much I love you.

Even after what happened fourteen years ago, you are still the most beautiful woman in the world for me, my brother, and most especially my Dad.

Even though you don't ask for anything back, you can be rest assured that I will do everything that I can to make sure that in the future you will be proud of me.

I love you so much.

Lotsa love, Jana

Feelings and Thoughts

2010-04-10T10:26:00.002+08:00

What have I been doing recently?

Well I've been spending most of the time surfing the internet, watching movies and old shows, and reading books and mangas, all in one combined and focused effort to waste seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks until it's finally time to fly off to the tiny, teeny, beautiful land of Brunei.

I cannot believe that it's only about four more days.

I'm so very excited, like I've got tingling in my bones because I'm finally going to come home after two long years, and I get to show the Turtle around, and it's going to be AMAZING.

But I shall stop boring you with another entry filled with EXCITEMENT at the prospect of spending THREE WHOLE WEEKS with the Turtle.

Ahem.

INSTEAD, I'll just bore you with a useless entry about what I feel about all of the stuff I've been doing lately to pass the time, because you know that's just SO MUCH BETTER.

...

Feelings and Thoughts Regarding Surfing the Internet:

Do you know just how beautiful the INTERNET is? It's like this treasure trove of all kinds of beautiful knowledge just waiting to be picked up and stored in some deep dark part of brain! It's also a great way to STALK people.

Most of the time when I surf the internet, I usually end up doing one of three things: Stalk people on Facebook, download some good things, or just catch up on some random trivia on Wikipedia. Oh who am I kidding? I DO ALL THOSE THINGS AT THE SAME TIME!

Especially the stalking, I do a lot of that.

It's a great way to waste time because not only are you learning stuff about random things as well as the life of your all of your friends, and even those you barely know or have never talked to... AHEM, anyway it's amazing because before you know it A WHOLE DAY HAS PASSED (and you're so much closer to the start of the best vacation of your life)!!!

...

Feelings and Thoughts Regarding Watching Movies

You know another great time waster?

Watching movies you love, like, have never heard off, and even those you're barely interested in but just had to watch because you felt sorry for it and you couldn't delete it unless you watched it type of movies.

YAY MOVIES!

But seriously though, you wanna waste time, you watch movies. You get sucked into their world whether you like it or not and you come out two hours later either overjoyed because you cannot believe how amazing a movie could be and you just wish so badly that you could have been there in that movie because it was just that good (SHERLOCK HOLMES FTW!!!) or annoyed for wasting your time on such a pathetic excuse for a movie and you cannot believe that people actually like this and then you realize the world has lost it (TWI-FREAKING-LIGHT) or you know just satisfied at least. But the fact remains two hours is gone like a blink of an eye.

Poof!

...

Feelings and Thoughts Regarding Watching Old Shows

You know I've been thinking, they really should bring back some old shows that were pretty awesome way back when, and could actually teach people the true meaning of GOOD QUALITY TV.

What with Twi-freaking-light taking over the big screen and turning normal teenagers into lovers of sparkling puff, what we need is a GREAT BIG DOSE of shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Just you know to slap them back to reality. They don't make shows like Buffy anymore.

AND FRIENDS, they should totally bring back FRIENDS.

Yeah that's all I got for this.

...

Feelings and Thoughts Regarding Reading

If you know me, you know that I love reading.

It's like my favorite hobby of all time. I can sit in one spot for one ENTIRE day, and just read and read and READ MYSELF TO DEATH, but you know I'd ask the Grim Reaper to wait just a wee bit more just so I can finish my book, and THEN HE COULD TAKE ME.

So yeah, I love reading.

So for a long time I've been reading mangas like One Piece, Fairy Tail, Liar Game, Full Metal Alchemist, Faster than a Kiss, Skip Beat and may I just say that reading stuff made by the Japs? REALLY COOL.

I've also just finished the first Camp Half-Blood series by Rick Riordan: Percy Jackson and the Olympians. MAY I JUST SAY WITH ALL CAPITAL LETTERS THAT IT WAS THE BOMB?! I know it's saying a lot but I totally loved those books.

It was like I was rediscovering my love for Greek Mythology all over again, and if you're like me, you'd know that Greek Mythology? Beats any kind of television drama EVER CREATED.

Wish the next series comes soon.

...

And that is all!

Lotsa love, Jana

A Letter To Life

2010-04-04T14:33:00.004+08:00

Dear Life,

You've been really nice to me lately.

I mean I know honestly, you've been really crappy about a year ago, but this year? Man this year you've been amazing. I mean, it's only been a couple of months into Twenty-Ten, but to this day I still believe you're going to be amazing.

Especially since I just found out that I got a grade in a certain subject that I was so sure that I was going to flunk and completely lose my scholarship, but I didn't flunk it! I thank God that I managed to get the proper grade that I needed! You, Life, don't hate me after all, don't you? You know you love me? Yeah, you do!

Also just look at what's going to happen after ten days? I mean, I can honestly say that this is going to be best vacations I'm ever going to have. Come on, three whole weeks with the Turtle? We could fight every single day over some silly, silly argument, and still just the fact that I'm with him for three weeks only means that this is the best vacation I'm going to have to date.

So not only am I going on my best vacation ever, after said vacation, I'm also going to be on my last year as college student, which is something I've been looking forward for about four freaking years! I just know that even though this year is probably going to be tiring, busy, scary, freaky, and might just be a tad sad-y, I just know that it's going to be happy and filled with all kinds of fun.

So, Life, thank you.

Don't go all downhill on me now alright?

Lotsa love, Jana

Officially Going To Brunei

2010-04-01T23:27:00.002+08:00

Today makes it official.

The Turtle is officially booked for his flight to the great, but teeny, tiny land of Brunei. I mean I've known for a long time that this was happening because we've been planning this vacation for ages, but tonight it's completely official because tonight his ticket has finally been booked.

I cannot believe we're going on a three-week vacation to the land where I grew up, and I'll be able to show him all the places that have become memorable to me (which will probably take about a day and a half because Brunei is that tiny) and he would get to meet all of my friends.

I'm so excited for it, I just had to say something you know?

Lotsa love, Jana

The One With a lot of Entries

2010-03-26T15:29:00.007+08:00

It's been a while.

I have so much to tell you, pumpkin pies, that it is just so unbelievable that I haven't said anything yet. Okay, actually it is believable since I have no stable internet connection since the vacation started, but let me make up for it by boring you with entries, upon entries of boring updates about me, yay!

Boring Entry #1
A.K.A. The One Where I Talk About a Happy Valentine's Date with the Turtle!

Or rather just show it to you with two pictures:

This was what we looked like four years ago during Valentine's day. We weren't dating then, but he and I already had... this weird thing for each other, and besides I couldn't find a picture of what we looked like during the Valentine's we were together... except for you know... this year:

Yeah I know we gained a ton of weight, and we've changed a whole lot since then, but one thing remains the same, and I know it will never change:

You will always be my valentine.

Boring Entry #2

A.K.A. The One Where I Talk About My Much Awaited and Much Postponed Anniversary Date with the Turtle!

It's been exactly three years, and sixteen days, since he first told me he loved me and I realized I couldn't possibly love anyone else.

Okay, so the anniversary had to be postponed because we were at the College then, and it was the year end week filled with year end activities, therefore we couldn't really date or anything.

Anyway, on our date, he bought me this really nice silver necklace with a tiny cross for a pendant, and it was gorgeous. I bought him a pair of shorts. Personally, I think he got the short end of the stick, but seriously he really liked the pair of shorts that I got him, and I was like oookaaay, if that's what you really want.

We're both happy, and though he didn't cook for me this year, we had a blast on our late third anniversary date.

I love him just as much I did three years ago, maybe even more; true story.

Boring Entry #3

A.K.A. The One Where I Don't Mention the Turtle in Any Other Sentence Besides This!

I got this sweet new Vaio Netbook:

If it was ever possible to be in love with a gadget, I would propose and elope with this baby in a land far, far away. It is gorgeous in pictures and it is just as gorgeous when you're cradling it on your own palms.

Her name is Princess Vaiola; once again, true story.

Boring Entry #4

A.K.A. The One Where I Try Really Hard Not To Talk About the Turtle Again, and Fail!

Dude!

I am like so unbelievably excited for our 3 week trip to Brunei, where I spend said three weeks, with family, old Brunei friends and (especially happy about this one) the Turtle!

Three whole weeks!

It's the first time we get to travel abroad together, it's his first time to ever get to ride a plane, and it's the first time I get to spend three whole weeks together with him!

Can you feel me bursting with joy and energy here?

...

And that's all folks!

Lotsa love, Jana

Escalator

2010-02-26T16:34:00.002+08:00

Sometimes people are so weird.

Even though something that makes so much sense is prancing about right in front of them, and all they have to do is grab the opportunity. Except they don't, because they're too scared, or too lazy, or too idiotic to take the leap of obvious rewards, because they're such babies. They don't realize that if they just take that leap, they'd get whatever it is that they wanted if they just grab it instead of flowing the obviously mistake crowd of scared people just like them

I'm so disappointed with humanity.

Lotsa love, Jana

Valentine Every Day

2010-02-16T08:23:00.003+08:00

Two days late, but happy hearts day to all!

Last year, I spent my Valentine's day with the Turtle, the first time ever I've spent with anyone. This year, we didn't get to meet because it just happened to have coincided on the day we were both busy on both ends of the Philippines, where meeting is impossible.

I could say I felt depressed, but I didn't.

He called me at 7 A.M. in the morning, and made sure I was side awake to hear him greet me, several times if I might add, happy valentines so that I won't forget and be angry with him for not greeting me.

The whole day was spent sending text messages filled with I love you's and I miss you's and what are you doing now and how you doing and all of that. I thought that he was being like this just because it's a special day, and I thought that was really sweet.

But then I realized something else.

He was like this, every single day, all the time. How could I only find it special on Valentines day? How could I? SRSLY? He treated every single day as Valentines day, and not in the excuse form of not treating me special, but in the great form of treating me special every single day.

That's why even though today is no longer Valentines day, I just want to say that I would love it if I could be your Valentines day, every single day of our lives together.

You never have to ask because the answer's always going to be yes.

Lotsa love, Jana

Thank You

2010-02-11T16:31:00.004+08:00

"I would like to thank the Administration for this opportunity that they gave me to speak in the chapel in front of all of you..."

He isn't going to say it.

"Sir Tony, for always guiding me, and teaching me, and for being a good pastor..."

I tell myself to not expect anything at all.

"To my batch-mates, you guys are the best. Thanks for always being there for me. I know all of you guys so well already."

Of course, he has to play safe. He really can't expose himself like this. You can't expect him to be really sweet when he's only expressive when he's with you.

Don't expect.

"Russel, thank you for the shirt. James, thanks for the shoes and the pants,"

He really isn't going to say anything about me, isn't he? Not a single word about me. I should have expected it, but why does it--

"Of course. Thank you Jana,"

Applause.

There's the loud applause, and everyone is looking at me, and cheering at me. And I look up at him, and he's smiling at me. He didn't get to say much, because everyone was so loud with their cheers, and I think he was too shy to continue.

He thanked me, not with words, but with his smile. His smiled as if he was thanking me for making him smile all of the three years we were together. He thanked me, not with words, but with how he looked at me. He looked at me, as if he didn't want to look anywhere else.

Now you may say that how am I getting all of these from a single look and a single smile. And I guess all I can say is that, you'll know it when you see it, and at that moment I saw it.

He thanked with a smile and a look and it was enough.

"Thanks, Jana"

You are very welcome.

Lotsa love, Jana

It Was A Journey

2010-02-04T21:46:00.003+08:00

A journey home.

Sometimes it takes years, sometimes just days, sometimes even hours, but if you're like me, a journey back home will always be hard if what you left behind are filled with broken promises and painful tears.

The first time I found home, I was ugly, broken, bitter, angry and in tears. I wasn't even really a child of that home to begin with. I didn't expect to be welcomed because honestly, if an ugly and dirty child matched with a crappy personality came up to you, it's going to be pretty hard to welcome her into a perfectly clean world. But He did. He welcomed me to His home, and He told me that it could be my home.

The first time I came home, I didn't think I'd have the gall to leave again. How could I leave and spit upon the kind Father who took me in? How could I slap in the face and say I needed something else?

But I did leave.

I left, and like a disobedient adopted daughter, I wasted away my life once more. What He made clean, I sullied and I dirtied. I spat upon Him, over and over again. Every single time I promised that I would come back, only to be tempted away again to my vices.

I left behind a broken promise.

How could I come back? How could I look upon His face again? How could I? After all those times, how could I even have the courage to come back? It was impossible, unthinkable. My sins were too big.

"My daughter I will always welcome you home,"

That's what He said when I finally had the courage to come back home. I thought He'd shout a little bit, or make me stand outside the rain. But He did none of that. He just looked me in the eye and said that He would always welcome me home.

Always.

Lotsa love, Jana

Just A Thought

2010-02-01T14:32:00.003+08:00

I do not like Avatar.

Yes, that 3D movie everyone is raving about? With the great graphics that would blow someone's mind out? Yes, that's the one. I do not like that movie.

Why?

Because it's predictable.

And the one typing this entry is shot with a realization.

Wow, it's the first time in my entire life I've ever admitted not liking the predictable. How could this possibly be? I, the one who claims that the reason why said one runs from realism (and slightly unpredictable story lines), the one who when buying a book, immediately goes to the last page so said one could know exactly how it ended before further reading. That one and the same "I" is now saying that I hate a movie because it's predictable?

Unbelievable.

...

I do not know where this entry is heading.

...

Ah, heck.

...

Goodbye.

Lotsa love, Jana

Shine

2010-01-31T21:40:00.004+08:00

Note: I didn't write this, but I sure as heck wish I did.

Dull as dirt, you can't assert the kind of light that might persuade a strict dictator to retire. Fire the army; teach the poor origami. The truth is in, the proof is when, your heart starts asking: "What's my motivation?"

And try as you may, there isn't a way to explain the kind of change that would make an Eskimo renounce fur; that would make a vegetarian barbecue hamster (no hamsters were hurt at production of these words). Unless you can trace this about-face to a certain sign:

Shine, make 'em wonder what you got. Make 'em wish that they were not, on the outside looking bored. Shine, let it shine before all men. Let 'em see good works and then, let 'em glorify the Lord.

Out of the shaker, onto the plate. It isn't Karma, it sure ain't fate, that would make a Deadhead sell his van, that would make a schizophrenic turn in his crayons. Oprah freaks, and science seeks a rationale that shall excuse this strange behavior.

When you let it shine, you will inspire the kind of entire turnaround that would make a bouncer take ballet (even bouncers who aren't happy) but out of the glare with nowhere to turn, you ain't gonna learn it on "What's My Line?"

Shine, make 'em wonder what you got. Make 'em wish that they were not, on the outside looking bored. Shine, let it shine before all men. Let 'em see good works and then, let 'em glorify the Lord.

This little light of mine: I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

By: Newsboys with special participation of Veggie Tales.

Lotsa love, Jana

Second Chances

2010-01-25T20:40:00.005+08:00

It's hard, but I have to say I'm sorry.

There I was, having lunch with a friend, and our conversation centered around a certain guy, and how everyone seemed to really hate said guy. I was annoyed at how everyone was treating him, because I felt really, really bad for him.

I kept saying he should be given another chance, and that they shouldn't be so harsh against him since he is just a kid. I kept on going and going and going, while my friend thought long and hard. Finally I ended my long and winding rant with this statement:

"Everybody deserves a second chance."

Sipping his drink so very slowly, and then placing it just as slowly onto the table, he looked at me as if he is looking at my very soul.

"But don't you feel the same way about this guy?"

I felt like he just slapped me really, really, hard. This guy that he had mentioned was a guy whom I could not stand and if thoughts could kill, I would have killed him long ago. That's how much I hated this guy, and I really could not find it in my heart to let it go.

But my friend was right.

How could I say all those things about other people, when I myself couldn't bear to give this guy a second chance? How could I be such a high and mighty person, declaring that everyone is forgivable and yet I myself, could not forgive? How could I?

So instead of justifying myself, by saying this guy deserves every bit of anger that I have heaped upon him, I won't because you know what...

Everybody deserves a second chance... even this guy.

Lotsa love, Jana

A Not So Simple Way To Say I Love You

2010-01-21T17:09:00.005+08:00

Simple.

What is it about that word really? Isn't it ironic that I find something really special about the very word which when employed aims to deny the very special thing about anything?

Simply.

As in by itself, nothing spectacular. Nothing worth noting about. And yet it can be paired with words like amazing, wonderful, girnormous, and the person listening doesn't seem to mind the contradiction in the match up.

Simplicity.

Maybe the word isn't so... well, so simple after all, so to speak. Maybe it was originally used in that manner to explain the ordinary and useless matters of the world, till time got a hold of it and altered it to become what it is today. No matter the reason, simple, simply, and simplicity no longer convey the ordinary.

There is nothing ordinary in a simple love. There is absolutely nothing ordinary in the way a night can turn from just a night to suddenly becoming simply amazing. The simplicity of you and me, is a matter that only the special beating of the heart can understand.

It's simple really: I simply love the simplicity of us.

Lotsa love, Jana

Reaching That Point

2010-01-19T13:01:00.002+08:00

Have you ever felt like you have nothing left to say?

And you try, and you try to say something, but it all comes out weird and wrong and all over the place. Like it doesn't even make sense to anybody but you.

You want to sound interesting, funny, heartwarming, and even inspirational, but all you get is mud. A muddy feeling of ugliness that would not make anyone feel happy, sad, inspired, or anything other than irritation for having wasted their time.

And what's more everyone else around you is writing better than you and they're getting more opportunities to write. While, you, poor baby, well, you're stuck in this limbo like state, where you're not absolute crud anymore, but you're not making the waves with what you write.

I'm right there, exactly at that place.

Please take me out?

Lotsa love, Jana

Just Wanted To Say

2010-01-13T20:41:00.004+08:00

Once upon a time a girl met a boy.

The girl thought this boy seemed really nice, and he seemed really friendly too. As time passed, boy and girl started spending time together. Soon enough the girl soon started falling for the boy, and each day is categorized happy depending on whether she saw boy or not, with ecstatic if boy smiled at her.

When boy told girl that he loved her, girl got really scared.

Did boy tell girl he loved her because he found out that she liked him? Did boy really fall in love with girl because he truly loved her or because he decided that since he probably wanted a girl, girl would have to suffice? Consequently will boy love girl forever or would he leave her the moment some better girl comes along?

But what girl didn't know, and only realized until much much later, was that boy had always been looking at her from afar. Boy saw girl first, and boy made sure she would see him too.

And see she did.

She saw, and she fell in love.

HAPPY 28th BIRTHDAY!

To the Boy who loved me first

From the Girl who'll always love you back.

Lotsa love, Jana

Sleepless Nights

2010-01-03T00:22:00.006+08:00

Something about vacations really screws me up.

It screws up with my body clock, and I find that I am suddenly, even after months and months of not doing so, unable to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. In fact almost every day of every vacation I find myself sleeping at wee hour of the early morning, and sleeping in during the ungodly time of Eons After Lunch-PM.

It also screws up with my need to take pictures, and by saying that, I mean there's this incessant need to take pictures whenever (by that I mean in the middle of the night when everyone ought to be sleeping), and no matter what the situation (and by that I mean even though I look like a total turd) of myself (and by that I just really mean by myself).

And that's when I noticed the puffy eyes! And how it made me look drunk! Needless to say I had to change this! And so I did!

I decided that in order to help me sleep, I shall use the wonderful technology of the Eye Gel Mask (insert TADAH! sounds here). Of course because of aforementioned screwy vacation, I still felt the need to capture this moment with a picture

I have named it, because I like naming things:

Puffy, the Eyebag Killer!

And only because it sounds cooler than Eye Gel Mask.

Lotsa love, Jana

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T00:01:00.000+08:00

Two-thousand-and-nine.

I can't believe you're done.

Twenty-ten.

I can't believe you're here. Also, you have a much cooler sounding name than Two-thousand-and-nine. Probably means you're better in almost every way imaginable. Two-thousand-and-nine left me a little bit cold, what with all the fights and all the drama I went through, but you, Twenty-ten, I have high hopes for you.

Your name sounds simple, sophisticated, none of the long and boring pronunciation of Two-thousand-and-nine. You will be a better year, I so can see that.

And so to you I dedicate this picture of the year Two-thousand-and-nine, which should, but probably wouldn't, sum up said whole year for me:

Lotsa love, Jana

Help Page From Plants Vs. Zombies

2009-12-30T11:00:00.001+08:00

I command you to laugh Pumpkin Pies, LAUGH!

Lotsa love, Jana

On Christmas Day

2009-12-25T23:20:00.001+08:00

Christmas Twenty-Oh-Nine wasn't so bad.

It really wasn't as bad as I feared it would be. I wasn't lonely, I did count the minutes that seemed to slowly, and dreadfully pass by, and the thought that I'm having such a pathetic time did not enter my mind at all. Sure, if I had a choice, I would have spent this day in a slightly different manner, but that being said, I believe I had fun.

I had only been sleeping for about two hours, when at 6 am, I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing, with the Turtle on the other end of the line. They came to pick up my brother, all the way at my Professor's house where we spent the night, and I had to wake my brother up (who was grumpy to say the least--I think it runs in the family because if you wake me up like how I woke him up, I would have bitten of your head for your attempt and slept again--because he didn't get that much sleep the night before) because they were right outside the house. So, disregarding the slightly grumpy brother, it was a wonderful thing to see the Turtle so early Christmas morning. It was as if a gift from heaven that I spent time with him on Christmas Eve and at least saw him on Christmas morning.

After he and my brother left, I went sleeping for like 3 more hours, when I woke up to a heavy breakfast of pancakes prepared by our hosts, and it was like Christmas dinner all over again. To Mrs. Professor, you bake a mean, and by mean I obviously mean amazing, batch of chocolate chip cookies. There was an unstoppable flow of cookies, pancakes, and hot brewed coffee, and the conversation around the table flowed freely as well.

When we left, I went with a friend to their guest-house thingie, and I spent the whole afternoon just sleeping in their nice and comfortable bed, within an air conditioned room, after which we ate food from Kenny Rogers. I mean wow, the food today is just girmazing is it not?

After that I went back to the dorm, and here I am blogging about it.

Funny how you expect something to end up so badly, and when the day comes, it isn't so bad after all? Now as I sit here, with the fan blowing in my face, and the sounds blaring in my ear, with Christmas ending in just a couple of minutes more, I have only one thing to say before I say goodnight:

Dear Jesus, on this day I just want to say that if you weren't born here on earth, life would pretty much suck. Also, I love you.

Lotsa love, Jana

The Day Before Christmas

2009-12-24T20:36:00.006+08:00

Things I did on the day before Christmas:

1. Waited for about an hour outside a mall for my late date (tsk, tsk, it's alright baby, I forgive you already) to show up. It gave me time to snap some pictures while waiting.

Also it gave me time to write in our journal, which we decide about a couple of weeks ago to own and to write in alternately so that I won't miss him as much, and he'll some way of telling me that I'm being crazy without me blowing up at him for calling me crazy, even though at that moment in time, I really was, you know, crazy. It works: I read it when I miss him, and he no longer loses his voice due to continually pacifying me.

2. Date, date, date, date! We just walked around the mall the whole time, ate some cheap food so that we both could afford the gift that we would be buying for each other on that day as our Christmas gift!

I bought him this Converse T-Shirt because I remember whenever we went to a mall or a department store somewhere, he would make a bee-line to the place where they had the shoes and he would stare longingly at a bunch of Converse shoes, and I knew that he always wanted one of those. So I thought that maybe this Christmas I could get him one. Unfortunately, I realized that I had not saved enough because I sincerely thought that I would be able to afford it with my measly 1 thousand pesos. To my sincere shock, it was 2 thousand plus pesos. So in an effort to be funny, and still buy him something converse-y I bought him this:

He on the other hand bought me the best handbag in the entire world, partly because he's the best significant other in the entire world, and partly because th bag is so soft and cuddly and I think this is the first time I ever fell in love with a pretty bag.

3. Then we (me, my brother, and two others) went to a professor of mine's house to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning with them. We ate some heavy food and spent time with their kids, who are so adorable, like seriously seriously adorable.

4. And now I'm sitting here blogging all about it, and waiting for Christmas to come so that I can text my parents how much I miss them and how I wish I was spending Christmas with them. I want to reassure them that, yeah me and my brother are doing okay here in the Philip of Pines. It's not so bad, and that they shouldn't worry about us. I miss them with all my heart and my Christmas Wish this year is that they would have the best of time, and that even though we're far away, we'll still actually be more together than any other family in the world. I'll love you, Mom, Dad.

Lotsa love, Jana

Brain Nugget

2009-12-17T08:31:00.003+08:00

My whole brain nugget this morning can be summed up in two short and very simple sentences that can be made complicated with all kinds of thoughts and roads that go in and out of my mind:

I've always wanted flowers. I just never acted like I did.

Lotsa love, Jana

Saddening Hurt

2009-12-09T16:34:00.005+08:00

FYPGIRLZ

Dear You (Or More Specifically All of You),

It's not just sad, actually. It hurts like... something that hurts so much that you couldn't even find an expletive or exaggeration that can adequately express the hurt that you feel, especially because you thought that this person, this person whom you now can walk right past is someone whom you really cared for back in the olden days.

I guess all I'm saying at this moment is that I miss you, and that I don't like how I have to be kept on reminded that we don't talk anymore, not because we're angry with each other or some stupid thing that was one of us did, but all because we just happened to grow apart over the days, weeks, months and years that passes.

I miss you, can't you miss me too?

Lotsa love, Jana

The New Top Ten

2009-12-07T16:09:00.002+08:00

A numbered list of my thoughts for the past moments of my life, because I find no other way to express such thoughts in an orderly manner due to the fact that they are neither orderly or well-mannered; they are rude thoughts, and by rude I do not mean rude in content but I mean rudely messy running over without pattern and just jumping all kinds of lines, those rude lines of thoughts.

Ahem, so anyway:

I am sick and tired of having to wake up every morning with sniffles. What is up with that? Am I fundamentally sick, every single morning, and if I am, why?
I am late in almost all of my personal deadlines, and I'm somewhat too lazy to do anything about it
I do not know what to do with my novel and it's just sitting there, as a saved file in my laptop, unedited.
I've decided to try the no-rice diet for a week, see how that works for me.
Though, at the moment, I'm hungry and craving for some rice.
I have just discovered The Big Bang Theory and literally after a few minutes into the show, I already love Sheldon. Planning on checking out How I Met Your Mother, for others are saying that it is just as girmazing.
Your good-byes are useless because there's nothing good about your byes.
I ate about three orders of Takoyaki in one day because of the craving I had for the Takoyaki I had in Brunei. Bruneian Takoyaki wins over Filipino Takoyaki, hands and pants down.
Me and the Turtle have started sharing a journal, where we both write in it. Hope that this would be a lasting activity that we can share. Shall update after a week.
Still craving for some rice.
Should have eaten a heavier lunch, like maybe something with seafood and noodles or whatever.
I am also currently in love with Shawn Spencer of the show Psych.
That is it, I am going to go and grab me some noodles or whatever.
I hate the number 13, I do not know why.

And remember: top fourteen is the new top ten.

Lotsa love, Jana

To Whom It May Concern

2009-12-02T09:44:00.006+08:00

Do you know how it feels?

No really, I bet you have no idea how it feels whenever you find out that one person you've trusted is actually not someone worth trusting, because honestly if you actually did know how that feels, then you would not have the energy or the emotion, or whatever it is you need, to betray someone who really trusted you.

What am I saying?

Well this is what I'm saying and read this words because I know you read this. You've never really trusted anyone, and because of that people have never really trusted you, or even if they actually did, you're lack of loyalty to anyone but yourself makes sure that it does not last long. You are the most selfish human being I have ever met, and for once in your life, can you just stuff it, and leave everyone alone? Just because you're not having fun, does not mean you can force everyone else to fall, you twisted, selfish, coward of a person.

And I will not take those words back.

Ever.

No love whatsoever, Jana

To People That Do Not Exist

2009-12-01T09:48:00.002+08:00

Dear Characters of My Novel,

It has been one heck of ride this month eh? I didn't realize how much I would end up loving all of you in such a short while. Sure there were moments when I was getting really tired of having to type your name over and over and freaking over again, but during our short month together, you three have become really close to my literary heart.

So with the end of the month of November, and in the first day of December I just want to commemorate that you guys have been amazing. I'm sorry that you're author has been one crazy being, forcing one of you, Michael to be exact, to obsessive compulsive, and another to be ashamedly interested in the Twilight Saga for comic relief. I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

I do hope that when people get to finally read you, they would end up loving you as much as I have ended up enjoying writing you.

Lotsa love, Jana

The Happy Pessimist

2009-11-25T06:45:00.002+08:00

It's exam week.

I would go into the regular rant on how exams are eating me alive and that I have no life to speak of this week, but I am far, far too happy to talk about a depressing topic, no matter obligatory said rant is supposed to be, so can we please just pretend that I spent this whole paragraph right here talking about said none-life-ness and just skip that completely?

Ahem, ahem.

I have such a great expectation this week, but I can't really blurt it out because I might jinx it in some way or the other and then when it doesn't happen, all of the happy situations and plans that I would have shared here would be nothing but a painful reminder of an expectation gone awry.

But I am happy.

Happier than I've been for weeks, and probably months. Which is, well, not really saying that much because have you seen how suck-y my life has been lately? I think I deserve a break of some sort, don't you agree?

Of course you agree, because you love me.

I've been spending a lot of time to myself, and unlike my high-school years, I am not spending that time to myself crying, whining, and cutting myself uselessly. Rare, and unbelievable as it is to believe, I am enjoying the time to myself, and would have preferred to spending hours and hours all to myself.

It's like I just want to be holed up somewhere without any connection to anyone in the world (except the Turtle, because the Turtle is the exception in almost any of my rules in life, mood, and other things... oh and maybe my nuclear family too, because I love them too much to completely avoid them). I just want to be alone, and not because I'm depressed, but because it's making me happy in the midst of situations that have made me incredibly sad for the past few weeks.

Quoting a friend of mine who answered another friend of mine who asked if I was angry and depressed at the moment: Jana's been angry and depressed for about a year now.

A great exaggeration, I admit. But I have been really negatively affected by a whole lot of issues in this world, and by world I mean the College, and it is only by spending time by myself (or with the Turtle, or with the family), that I get a breather where an inkling of happiness appears before I'm shoved back into the real world.

Therefore I'd like to postpone the real world for a while.

So if anyone's looking for me, I'm the girl who is currently trying to get herself stuck in her own world before someone violently grabs and pulls me out of it, pushing me right back into the real world of pain and suffering.

Don't believe the hype, it's the pessimists that actually have the real fun in life, because we're either right or pleasantly surprised.

I don't know how to end this entry.

The end?

Lotsa love, Jana

Christmas For Christ Musicale

2009-11-19T07:28:00.003+08:00

Ever Dearest Pumpkin pies of the Philip of Pines,

You are all cordially invited to attend a Christmas Musicale hosted by FEBIAS College of Bible (a.k.a. as the College in my other entries), through the Student Missionary Fellowship. It will happen on December 3 and 4 of the year 2009. Admittance is completely free.

And this is how to get there!

If you love me, you'll be there.

Lotsa love, Jana

Realization

2009-11-17T18:21:00.003+08:00

This is a long overdue realization.

I have been fighting with Turtle a lot these past few weeks, and every time we fight, I'd be all emotional, and annoyed, and if I was allowed to swear, I'd probably be swearing at myself and sometimes at him too. Then I'd cool down and he would talk to me in his calming manner, and then I'd realize that it wasn't that big of a deal anymore and I'd prefer to end the day being ok with him, and he always makes sure we end the day like so.

Well, today, as I was talking to a bunch of my friends about how they treat their girlfriends. And they were sharing how they make sure their girlfriends are the ones to say sorry in a fight, and how they will never lower their pride because they're the male figure in the relationship, and how sometimes a girl just overreacts in so many little things that they will never tolerate, and when I listen to the very valid reasons as to why the girl is angry at them, I think. And I start thinking really hard.

Then that's when I realized a very valuable thing; a valuable thing that I forget sometimes in the heat for an argument: My Turtle is the best boyfriend in the entire world.

Do you know how thankful I am to have this man in my life? Sure, I say a bunch of stuff that hurt him, and there are a lot of times where I get unreasonable, and sometimes he really is at fault, however perfect for me he may be. However, and that's a pretty big however, I would never, ever trade my relationship with him, with any of the boys here at the college.

A guy friend once said that he and his girlfriend hardly ever fight, and I think but when they do fight it's usually never resolved, and it lasts for so long, and you know what? I think I prefer fighting all the time, and resolving it within an hour, because at least I know we resolve it.

Whatever did I do to deserve such Turtle as him for a boyfriend, I will never, ever know, and even if I did, I'd probably still think I am still the most blessed person on this world to ever have this guy as my future partner-in-crime for the rest of my life.

I love you with all my heart could afford to love.

Lovingly yours, Jana

A Rant - I Be The Duck

2009-11-13T16:40:00.007+08:00

I am going to rant and spew angry thoughts unto a guy who ruined my friend's life by seducing her and now they've eloped, with the girl's family broken-hearted, and she had such a wonderful future ahead of her, and if the guy really loved the girl, why did he ruin her life like this? He could have waited and now what? If he really loved her, then he would have made sure that she finished college first, he would have gotten a job to be able to provide for her, and please don't tell me that's love, giving up everything blah blah, that's not love, they gave in to lust and not love, and what are they going to do now? Seriously. And yeah I know the girl is at fault too for being an idiot, but I can honestly say that I hate the guy more. He is a complete ass-wipe. I mean elopement?! Come on, that is such an idiotic thing to do, and Mr. Ass-wipe better not show his face and general body mass around me because he is going to get his ass kicked. Hard. Really, really, hard.

And I end this post with this picture.

By sglider12.
Because the duck kicks ass.

Lotsa love, Jana

I'm Working On It

2009-11-05T08:43:00.004+08:00

This is an excerpt from my novel and this is my favorite paragraph:

Her name is Melissa Cruz; we’ve been best friend since we were born, literally, since both our moms were best-friends who do everything together. They got married at the same date, got pregnant at around the same time, and I think this is ridiculous and personally believe that my mom may have made me come out earlier than I was supposed to, but we were both born at the same time, in the same hospital.

Ridiculous, but true.

And just like our moms, we are the closest of friends, we’re best-friends. As neighbors, we grew up in each other’s faces, taken baths together as children, went to the same school from kinder to high-school, and now in the same college, taking up the same course. We even have the same favorite color and sports: Violet and Volleyball. I call her Mel and she calls me Kel. We are exactly like our moms except for one crucial difference.

I was inevitably, unbelievably, completely and deeply in love with Melissa Cruz.

5,719 words, and several more thousands words to go.

Lotsa love, Jana

National Novel Writing Month

2009-10-31T15:07:00.003+08:00

Ladies, gents, and pumpkins.

This is it. I'm finally going to do something I've dreamed to do, since I won that Best Composition award when I was in Grade 5, and that is to actually finish a novel all on my own. And so I have decided to become a part of this annual, one-month, attempt to finish a novel, and it starts at midnight, tonight.

Do you know all the thoughts going through my brain? They consists of thought patterns that are equal to: What are you thinking? Give up, right now, just do it, before you embarrass yourself, in front of everyone who will read this note (which is about 2 people, including myself?). You are never going to find the time to finish a novel, you've got classes and work, and requirements, and your normal life to lead, so know this now, you will absolutely fail.

But then the fighter in me, the one who has always dreamed of writing and finishing a novel since the minute she knew she could form letters into words into coherent sentences mixed together to form a paragraph, well she wants to tell the sodding idiot whom she lovingly calls Anal-Retentive Editor who lives in the other end of my brain, and for one month, the fighter is going to tie up said editor, and only letting her out when November is over.

So, yeah. Novel, here I go.

Lotsa love, Jana

Some Weird Entry That Makes No Sense

2009-10-30T08:40:00.007+08:00

This but the beginning.

Last night, we saw a change, and we hope it's going to be the first of many, many changes. We hope that it won't end here, for we believe that finally, finally, after all the tears, fears, and indifference, it will all be over, and I just hope that I'll be there to see it end.

And when it does?

All the angry looks, all the sacrifices, all those cold shoulders, all those pointed words, all those double-edged meaning-filled messages, all of those would have been worth it. It would have been worth it. It would be so worth it.

We pray, and we hope.

And then we continue to fight.

Lotsa love, Jana

New-some

2009-10-26T10:38:00.005+08:00

I cut my hair.

Like really short.

Like I just turned myself into a young emo boy, and the only things I'm missing are the eyeliners, the tight pants, the depressing tunes, and cut-scars on my arm.

And I absolutely, positively, love how I look. It's like I've always been jealous of the emo-boys that I've seen hanging out the mall and their cool hair are always so very cool, and I've always wanted to have some form of it, and now? Now? I have the hair that somewhat looks just like it, and I love it.

In other news, did I mention that our semestral break is over? Did I even mention that we had a semestral break? Did we even have a semestral break? Do those even exist nowadays? I mean this whole one-week somewhat of a break sped by so fast that here I am, still getting on my rest till whenever I want, and just when I'm comfortable, school slaps me in the face and says: "Hey, you lazy comfortable girl, it's time for class!"

Ah well, new semester equals new hair?

I can only say: Yay!

Lotsa love, Jana

Movie Reviews

2009-10-23T15:30:00.006+08:00

It feels like it's been decades since my last blog entry and it's actually kind of funny considering that I actually have a ton of time on my hands. And it's not that I don't think about how you, my pumpkins, are so eager for me to update about the nitty-gritty details of my life, it's just that I've been spending most of my time doing something that I haven't done in the longest of time: Watching Movies Until the Wee Hours of the Morning and Sleeping For Only a Couple of Hours and then Watching Again. Believe me, brothers and sisters, if you haven't tried this activity, you have missed out on practically half of your life.

And since that's all I've been doing for the past few days, I am going to make a seriously long entry on nothing but movie reviews of all the movies I just can't seem to move on from.

Disclaimer: I am not a critic to be trusted because I have so many biases and there are movies that I love that not many will like, but you know what? I don't really care so let's move on to the movies I just can't forget!

Oh, just a note, there is no significant differences in the listing of any of these movies, and of course I love some more than the others, but it has nothing to do with the way these movies are listed.

17 Again

Okay, this movie, I have to admit that this is one of the best movies that I have ever watched. A lot of this positive-ness is dependent on the fact that one of my favorite TV-actors is present, even for a short while, in this movie: Matthew Perry. I love how Zac Efron portrayed Matthew Perry-ness in this movie, and I just love the twists in this story. My favorite part was when his daughter is seducing him, not realizing that she is seducing her own father. I also the interaction between the bestfriend and the principal, with the whole Lord of the Rings thing, which incidentally is also one of my favorite books. A sweet movie worth watching over and over again.

The Proposal

Totally worth the hours I spent trying to find a copy of this movie. Ryan Reynolds? What more could I ever look for? Ever since my Deadpool obsession, when I first fainted like an obsessed fangirl over the hotness that belonged to Ryan Reynolds, I cannot get over the fact that such a Canadian exists. Hot, funny, and totally into comics, come on perfect guy in the world, and my fangirl-heart loves him above else. Also Sandra Bullock is one of my favorite actresses and she was amazing in this movie. My favorite part was when they accidentally slammed against each other, and when Sandra had to chant from the heart (and that's all you're going to get because you ought to watch it for yourself to be able to understand the beauty of those scenes, like seriously watch it).

Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End

I absolutely love this final movie of this wonderful series. This is my favorite of all of Johnny Depp's characters and that's saying a lot because the guy is my ultimate favorite actor, because he's cute and so amazingly versatile. He can do funny, scary, romantic, disturbing, theatrical, and what can this actor cannot do? I have several favorites in this movie and most of them include him in the scene. Like the naming of Larry scene, and the "did anyone come to save me, just because they missed me?" scene and the "I dropped my brains" and dude, I cannot believe how much this movie is just amazing. I just cannot move on, really.

The Forbidden Kingdom

I love this movie. Sure, it's a little weird when it comes to the English, but heck the movie and the scenes all made up for it. I love Jackie Chan, I've always loved him, and now he's partnered with Jet Li? Are you freaking kidding me? This is something that I, as a Jackie Chan-Jet Li-Rush-Hour-Chinese-Kung-Fu lover, would never, ever let pass, in any way possible. It delivered for me, and it was amazing. The scenes where they became masters of one student was priceless. It was beautifully done.

Push

Totally freakishly amazing. The story was well written, the effects amazing, the actors and I loved every single twist in it. It was really that good. I loved how they made a plan, and had it erased from their minds, and then came a perfect execution of it. My favorite scene was with the picture in the end. After watching this movie, I really wished that I was a Shifter or a Pusher, and being someone with powers wasn't something I've wished for in the longest of time, so I'm thinking this movie was that good.

He's Just Not That Into You

The best movie I have watched recently, and okay yeah, this is the best of whatever I've seen this week. I love this movie to it's itty-bittiest. I've, literally, spent the few days after watched this movie, repeating the same scene over and over and over again. Like several times in a row for several days, and every time I watch it, it still gets me. I love Gigi and I love Alex. My ultimate favorite scene was when Alex said to Gigi, after short sweet can-you-shut-up kiss, this words:

"You are my exception"

And did you see what I just did there? I placed it in the middle so that it would grab your attention because it was just that amazingly good! And yeah, isn't it totally obvious that I love this movie above all the other movies that I've watched this past few weeks?

I still can't move on.

Lotsa love, Jana

From the Down Up

2009-10-14T13:59:00.004+08:00

It's been a while.

And what can I say?

The last few weeks have been a horrendous roller-coaster filled with ups and downs. And sometimes I wonder, should I say anything anymore? Should I just shut up, and just say only positive things so that the whole world would be fine, thinking that I was fine? Should I hide behind a facade of happiness so that people won't be "stumbled" at how sad I truly feel, because everyone should always be blessed in what I say and do?

But I am so freaking tired of it. I was never like this, and I never really cared about what other people thought of me, and so why should I start to care now? I was never known to hide my feelings for very long, no matter how much I made myself believe that I tried to only later prove to myself that I didn't even take the first step to trying and man this sentence is quite long, because I'm sure it no longer corresponds to proper grammar rules, but you know what Ms. Old English Teacher of Mine, I do not care what you think, and this sentence started and ended in ways completely unrelated to each other.

...

To heck with ranting.

I have just done a lot of things in between those three dots up there and now, as I'm typing and you know what, pumpkins? I'm feeling really good today, because of all the things that have happened, with all the people that I've talked to, and all the deeds that I have done. Everything is good and I think it's because for once in a very long while, I didn't care what anyone thought.

If I'm going to be happy, I'm going to show it, and if I'm angry, sad, pissed, depressed, for whatever reason, I am going to freaking show it, why? Because this is who I am. I am going to be what God created me to be, and unless I'm doing something wrong in my life, I don't see any reason to change whatever unique qualities that I have.

I'm loud, proud and happy.

Lotsa love, Jana

Ondoy

2009-09-30T19:21:00.005+08:00

I'm pretty sure no one's ever going to forget that name.

At least no one here in the Philippines will.

The reason why I haven't blogged about my experience with the... thing... that owns that name is because I was scared that I'd make a great big joke out of it, as I do with most things that scare me.

And I didn't want that.

What I want is to respect the death of hundreds of people in our country and to remember it, not as a joke, but for the terrible thing that it was.

And terrible it was.

I was stranded in a bus, for more than eighteen hours, because of the rain. I had to walk through floods and I was soaked right through. I was scared, and though I was with friends, I was worried that I might not see my family, the Turtle, ever again. My phone was already dead and I couldn't tell anyone where I was.

But it wasn't really that, that scared me.

It was the dead bodies that I saw.

I wasn't scared in the I'm-scared-of-dead-people-way, but scared because we were so close to becoming just like them. Scared that I couldn't do anything to help anyone. Scared because they never had a chance against the flood.

I just was so... scared.

Lotsa love, Jana

Grumpy Lady and Crazy Uncle

2009-09-25T16:52:00.005+08:00

It has been a while since I updated.

I apologize profusely for my lack of work here in this blog. Not that anybody really cares, except maybe you, my occasional pumpkin pie reader, I love you, yes I do.

I blame it all on Busy-ness, which I shall personify in this paragraph as a grumpy old lady who wants everything done perfectly in a perfect manner with every perfect detail in perfect order and perfect position and if anything is out of it's perfect design, then you can expect a perfectly horrid punishment, which will have long lasting repercussions that will burn into your mind the word: Perfection.

So, I've been really busy.

Like unbelievably busy.

Like no one could possibly believe that this whole busy-ness of mind is possible but you have no choice but to believe it because it is possible and it has happened to me.

And today?

For half the day, I'm allowed to rest for about twelve hours, before I am once again beset by that grumpy old lady (see third paragraph) and I'm not allowed to take a breather until the semesteral break comes, and even then I may still be disallowed to have fun. She's a busy old lady that way.

Anyway.

I come here, all ready to get some rest, and what do I get?

I get none of that because even though I'm not thinking about anxious thoughts of school and my requirements, I am still thinking of several anxious thoughts regarding my slowly breaking apart uncle, who may I just point out is the same uncle who went crazy in drama #3 and this is maybe because he's on drugs.

Yep, the very same.

So not only have been incredibly busy this past... lifetimes... I'm not even allowed to get that half-day rest that I came here for because I'm scared out my wits that said crazy relative might suddenly throw a tantrum and literally start throwing stuff across the room.

So why do I type like I'm not scared?

Because, dear pumpkin pies, this is how I deal with stress. Talking nonsense until it all disappears from view. Sometimes it works, most of the time it puts me into more trouble, but it never fails to distract me from the fear.

Thank heavens that I am not alone.

Lotsa love, Jana

Missing This

2009-08-31T00:49:00.004+08:00

It's almost one in the morning.

And, obviously, I'm still wide-wide awake. I could blame it on the coffee that I drank at Starbucks today, which is weird because this is like the second time I've been to the place and it's always been a freebie, every time I come there. Someone always buys the coffee and the bread for me, because if it was just me, I'd just stick to hot chocolate please.

I could blame it on the free WiFi at the place where I'm sleeping tonight. I mean spending time typing and surfing the wonderful fairytale land called the Internet has always given me an energy boost that can make me run on steam for hours and hours more. I may have an addiction problem though, I'll have to get back to you pumpkin pies on that.

But I'd rather blame my general awake-ness with thoughts of him. Yes, pumpkin pies, I'm talking about the love of my life in the most cheesiest manner. I haven't been cheesy corny in a while so please bear with me. You see, I have been missing him a lot these past few weeks. Not because I haven't seen him that much but because since we both have such busy schedules it's so hard to just meet and talk.

And I guess without going through all the different motions. This running thoughts in my mind only seem to say one thing. Over and over again. Till all the words run together and become as one short sentence.

I miss you.

Lotsa love, Jana

Why Am I a Missionary?

2009-08-24T10:44:00.008+08:00

I'm on my fourth year at this college.

I bet not many of those who accidentally read this know that I'm studying in a BIBLE college where I am training to become a missionary. Yes, yes, it's like training to become a nun, but we have different beliefs when it comes to our theology and unlike those brave, self-controlled people, I am still allowed to fall in love and get married.

Though love and getting married is a great topic to rant about, this rant is not about the joys and pains of love. Nope, this is about my chosen path to take, the questions of why I chose it, if I ever regretted my choices, and what the heck am I still doing here?

Let's resume this rant, shall we?

When I was a wee bit little girl, having just graduated from high-school, there was this weird burning in my heart, not at all like heartburn, but something you can't explain without using those very words; burning of the heart or heartburn. I wanted to become a missionary. I wanted to learn about God, and I wanted to tell those who didn't get the chance to know about Jesus and to be given the choice. I don't care much for those who have rejected him already, because hey it's your choice if you don't want to believe in my beliefs. What I do care about is bringing the choice to those who never had the chance to choose. For me, that's what it means to be a missionary.

And that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

I could have been a journalist, what with my penchant for liking to write about whatever and giving insights to people who don't really want it, and I could have been great at it. I could have been a lawyer, since I could argue till my face is red, then blue and then I would argue some more until you are forced to agree with me cause that's the only way you'll get me to shut up.

But no.

I decided I wanted to become a missionary.

Was it the right choice?

Though my immediate family were nothing but supportive with my chosen future vocation, my extended family was not as kind. There were always snide remarks of me wasting my time, my future, my gifts at being essentially witty and sarcastic which people can mistake for some form of intelligence, and most of all, they all claim that not only am I wasting money on this endeavor, I was probably never going to get rich enough to help myself let alone my ever supportive immediate family when they need me, and I was probably going to rely on them for monetary support for the rest of my life. Encouraging, huh?

Did I ever regret my choice?

Sometimes, when people ask me what course I'm taking, something clogs up my throat, and instead of proudly telling them that I'm training to become a missionary, I mumble something about taking up theology, hoping that that is too big a word for them to actually know what it means, and that they're too proud enough to not bother asking what that means. Why? I could say it's because it gets tiring explaining all the how, why, and what the heck were you thinking questions that inevitably pops up. I refuse to say I am ashamed, so I won't. Not because the feeling doesn't come up every now and then, but because I refuse to even give it a foothold in my heart, so I just brush it aside and scrub it out of my brain.

So what am I still doing here?

Because that burning sensation in my heart? Yeah that heartburn that isn't heartburn at all? It's still there. And I want nothing more than to become a missionary, to serve God in any land far away where the choice to choose is not available to them. To this very day, even in the face of discouraging people, situations, questions, judgments, if I have known everything that I know now before I made my choice to become a missionary, I know deep in my gut that I would still choose to become one. Sure, I may have wondered what it would be like to be a famous writer, famous lawyer, famous person earning big bucks to support those whom I love, but I have never regretted my choice to become what I am training to be today.

I'd give up the whole world, my friends, my family, my fame, my pride, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my money, my name, God help me, even my boyfriend, if that's what it requires to become what God wants me to be.

Why am I a missionary?

Because that's the only kind of person I was meant to be.

Lotsa love, Jana

Dust-ball

2009-08-07T08:39:00.005+08:00

Warning: I am depressed therefore anything written in here is the content of a mind so depressed that anyone reading this would probably end up so depressed too that we can jump off that bridge together. If you do not want to jump of any bridges anytime today then I suggest you forget about reading this entry. To prove just how depressed this entry is, I've said depressed about five times.

So now what?

I keep realizing with every step that I take that I'm losing whatever identity that I had in this college. There goes the kind girl, lost with the nasty words spoken without thought. There goes the rule abiding girl, lost with all the lazy to heck with it attitude. And finally, there goes that study hard, study smart identity I've had, lost because I didn't study.

So, now what?

I feel like I'm such a useless human being, every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every single week, I keep becoming such a pathetic form, which is saying a lot because I'm already a pathetic shell of a human being.

And soon, so very soon, all I'm going to be is worthless little dust-ball that barely has enough moisture within it to keep holding itself together.

Sleep little dust-ball, sleep and ignore what lies ahead for a little while and completely forget what you left behind.

Sleep little dust-ball, sleep.

Lotsa love, Jana

Winds and Fireworks

2009-07-28T20:11:00.004+08:00

The wind is blowing faster and faster.

I wonder if it can just pick me up and throw me away. Away and away, further and further, until I'm no longer here. Until I'm no longer where I don't want to be, and I'm somewhere probably just as bad, but maybe it's better than being here.

Maybe.

Lotsa love, Jana

Blood and Sparkles

2009-07-19T22:24:00.011+08:00

So I did something new this week.

What would that be, you ask, my dear pumpkin pies? Well, it's something I've never, ever, done in my entire life, breathing and living on this planet. The college had a blood donation drive at the clinic last Thursday and so, you see, I took the liberty of letting some lady stick a needle into one of my veins...

Letting her take this whole big bag-full of blood from my body.

And now I'm a member of the People Who Give Blood Club.

...

Though I have to admit that the whole time my blood was being taken to help some poor person who might need a whole bag-full of my blood, all I could think of, was Sparkly Edward's pouting face, or what substitutes as pouting for said sparkly being. I can't say it wasn't a pleasant experience because even though I hated the sparkly being's guts, the sending of negative thoughts towards aforementioned sparkly being did take my mind off the the feeling of my blood flowing out of my body into a bag.

A wonderful experience that I plan to repeat regularly.

Message to the pumpkin pies:
Give blood, before those sparkling freaks suck it out of you!

Lotsa love, Jana

The One Where I Talk About Irresponsibility

2009-07-15T08:26:00.007+08:00

Steps to irresponsibility are deliciously slow and painful when it ends.

I can feel it. It's a little twinge that says, sleep a little longer, read a little more, talk a little louder, cry a little easier, think a little too less, and be a little bit, a little bit more, and more lazy as time goes tick tocking by.

If you keep on feeding that twinge, it becomes a static cling, and finally it's a static charge that holds on to your very being, no matter how much you try to shake it off, you're too caught up with trying to catch up, but then it's too late, and bam next thing you know? You're dead.

Like a fax mail from the great beyond, telling me that you, Jana, are useless leader, and that you are becoming so much worse as a student and that you do not deserve to live, and that boom bada bing, you're a goner now, like you know... dead.

Dead, dead, dead, dead-y dead.

Hmm.

Also how does one go from serious discussion of irresponsibility to childish chants of dead-ness? This in itself is such a marvelous fact. I am truly a freak of nature.

Woot?

Lotsa love, Jana

Mornings and Jobs

2009-07-12T07:11:00.007+08:00

The morning breeze blows past my hair. The twits of birds from afar can be easily heard above the soft quiet sounds of the morning. Even the rooster crowing so early in the morning, something which would usually annoy me, somehow seems to fit just right in a morning such as this.

The morning at the college is so peaceful, and so beautiful that I almost want to spend every morning like this. Sometimes, waking up so early in the morning has it's own wonderful benefits.

In related news, I'm currently spending the weekend at the college because of a seminar-slash-retreat-slash-something that I'd like to call Student Leaders Planning Summit. Or Retreat. Or maybe just That Time Were We, the Appointed and/or Nominated then Elected, Student Leaders Meet, Plan, and then Eat Good Free Food.

Why am I here?

Well because I'm the type of girl that breaks barriers, and I have broken the male presidents barrier by being the only girl this year to become the Junior Class President. How empowering is that? Eat that, non-feminist person! Except there is this one thing I've got to ask though, and it's not because I'm complaining or anything.

Well you see, pumpkin pies, the presidents and vice presidents of various classes have formed this committee called the Welfare and Development Committee which handles the taking care of our fellow classmates that need help, and myself being the only female in the company was automatically assigned the job of being the secretary of the committee.

What is up with that?

And I thought I got away from all those typing of minutes and all that other doodles man, and yet here I am once again, automatically assigned the secretary position.

I don't mind, honestly. It's just funny that when one thinks of secretary, they always think female, girl, lady, with glasses who loves to write. And even though I'm mostly that, I don't think I'm the secretary type at all, and yet I've been some form of secretary for three years in a row now.

Weird.

Lotsa love, Jana

Fangirling: Deadpool

2009-07-01T08:19:00.007+08:00

I have just finished watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

And may I just say that I have found another collectible man-item for my fangirling fetishes. However it isn't Wolverine because even though Wolverine has some seriously mysterious appeal to me, he didn't really grab my attention in this one. It isn't even Gambit, my ultimate favorite X-Men member, who may I just say isn't even French in the movie, why is that??

My new collectible man-item would be Deadpool: The Merc with a Mouth. Especially as portrayed in the movie. He be hot, and he be funny and even though he gets all mutilated and uglified in the the end, he still be my hot, funny, Deadpool, Merc with a Mouth crushness.

And I am severely ecstatic that a Deadpool movie will be coming out and that Deadpool is still going to be played by Ryan Reynolds and that I am so going to watch it when it comes out here, then download it illegally into my laptop so that I could watch it whenever I want, and then when the original DVD with bonus features comes out, I am going to buy it so that there will be more Deadpool bonus-ness of love!

Teehee, ain't he funny?

Lotsa love, Jana

Daddy-kins

2009-06-21T22:59:00.012+08:00

And Father's Day is almost over!

Everyone around the world is doing this whole, long, drawn out messages on how they love their fathers, on how they've forgiven all the mistakes, on how their so in sync with their fathers, etc.

But I shall make it simple.

You're the best Dad in the world, hands down! You are like the model that inspires me, and can you believe how much you are my true superhero?

In fact I look up to you so much that I have found a significant other which has your characteristics, your morals, your restraint, your sense of humor, heck even your nickname is exactly the same!

I love you Daddy-kins.

Thanks for loving us back.

Lotsa love, Jana

Edited
Conversation with my Mom

Mom: That's not fair!
Me: What isn't fair?
Mom: You have Daddy's picture on your blog and not mine! I demand that you place me in there too!
Me: But it's Father's Day
Mom: I didn't see a picture of me on Mother's Day!
Me: ...

And therefore, due to consistent request!

Tis my BEAUTIFUL mother!

You know I love you too, Mom.

Pit of Cheesiness

2009-06-20T08:36:00.005+08:00

So I just finished watching Twilight.

I'm still sending negative thoughts toward the couple, i.e. Bella and Edward, who hail from the deep pits of torture I'd like to call the Pit of Cheesiness, and I still think that Stephanie Meyers is one crappy writer, but I have to reluctantly admit that I might, might, focus on the emphasis placed on the word might, have enjoyed the movie. The characters are interesting, the plot is interesting, and even though the couple are cheesy as cheesy can be, the movie is a hundred times better than the book.

Also, Jasper and Jacob are the hotness.

And I'll stop there because complimenting anything to do with Twilight gives me hives as an allergic reaction because my body refuses to have anything to do with those freaks of nature called the Twilight vampires, except Jasper because Jasper is cool as long as he doesn't step into sunlight and sparkle like the freak called Edward.

Updates on the College include me being weirdly bi-polar recently, swinging from one end of happiness to another end of depression in several seconds, enjoying my studies, depressed at the lack of things to do, happy to have more free time, and a whole lot of other shenanigans. I already have readings, reports, papers and several tiredness filling my schedule.

Whee?

Lotsa love, Jana

At the College

2009-06-16T12:25:00.007+08:00

The weather at the College is splendid!

It's raining, but not so hard that going out of the dorm is terrible downer. I love these kind of days because it makes bumming around so much more satisfying. Classes has been on and off today, and we haven't been doing much. In fact we've been sitting and doing nothing at all. Bumming around has never been this satisfying.

But the best part of being in the College?

It's being able to see the Turtle on a daily basis.

In fact seeing him from afar is enough to last for several hours. He is my little ball of energy that fills my little heart with joy and, can you see how happy I truly am?

Yay-ness!

Lotsa love, Jana

Bunny Bunny Bunny

2009-06-11T21:58:00.006+08:00

Dear Self,

Well, hello.

It's been a while since I've made an appearance in the dark corners of your little world. Has is it been a couple of months? You seem to have gotten a lot thinner. Have you been eating? No? You should always take care of yourself because if you don't, who will?

Actually I'm a little sad today, which is really just weird if you ask me. I mean, nothing specifically bad has happened to us recently. And yet, here I am.

Remember the time when I always visited you? Back in high school? You even made little pathetic drawings of broken hearts. You even drew one on a plate and I still remember your idiotic words:

I feel like I'm eating my heart. On a plate. With a spoon. I'm using a knife though instead of a fork, because forks make a bunch of holes, whilst the knife just cuts so easily cause it's sharp.

Funny little bunny.

Though your heart isn't for dinner today, doesn't it feel a little painful? Like someone is at the very least poking it with a pair of chopsticks or something? Speaking of chopsticks, how come you've never learned how to use them? It looks so amazingly cool and you've always wanted to try, but yet you never took the time to learn.

Useless little bunny.

I know. I realize why I needed to pay you this visit. Because you're tired and I'm tired and I think that someone else is tired of our tired selves. And it is sad because this someone else is someone which has a large magnitude of importance for you, so we definitely do not want this someone to be tired of us.

Such a tired little bunny.

Lotsa love,
Your Emo Self

Welcome to Janaje-eight

2009-06-07T23:48:00.004+08:00

I've only done tags if the people are really nice, therefore be flattered Keiti because I, your personal stalker, thinks you are nice.

Eight things I'm looking forward to
1. I can't wait to see the Turtle tomorrow!
2. Classes, classes, classes!
3. Brand new spanking laptop that will take about six months to arrive!
4. Working on my new church service at Cavite!
5. To meet my new roommates!
6. To see the Turtle tomorrow because the excitement I feel for that deserves another number!
7. To see who's going to be the college's yearbook's editor (and all the while hoping it's not me)!
8. To finally graduate after two more years!

Eight things I did yesterday
1. Woke up earlier than I wanted to
2. Traveled from the college to my house
3. Fell asleep in a bus
4. Ate at Jollibee
5. Fell asleep in in a van
6. Fainted on top of my bed
7. Surfed the internet
8. Sent negative energy towards Edward and all the other Twilight freaks

Eight things I wish I could do
1. Fly
2. Actually have class tomorrow
3. Burn the sparkling Edward until all that's left of him is a bag of glitters
4. Ignore my newly appointed curfew and surf the net until whatever time I want
5. Be sown to the Turtle's hip
6. Have unlimited supply of money for books
7. Watch a movie in the cinema
8. Be President of the Philippines?

Eight shows I watch
1. Scrubs
2. Reaper
3. Chuck
4. Wizards of Waverly Palace
5. Korean Telenovelas
6. Japanese Telenovelas
7. Taiwanese Telenovelas
8. And when I'm forced, Filipino Telenovelas

Yay!

Lotsa love, Jana

Hopes Dashed

2009-06-06T20:32:00.004+08:00

Curses, my joy has been foiled!

Apparently classes have been postponed. The nerd in me so sad because I'm really looking forward to the start of classes. In fact the nerd is so sad, she's strangling the lazy bum in me who just wants to stay at home and play with Jeebaby on Pet Society, hugging anyone for a couple of coins so as to have enough money to decorate Jeebaby's house.

Crazy-weirdo-person-thoughts aside, I really am looking forward to classes. I've had enough of this vacation and I really want to buckle down, grab some pens, take some notes, and actually fill my mind with mind-numbing thoughts of work and ideas and all that hooplah.

Also I really miss being a student with the Turtle. I miss seeing him from across the room. I miss bumping into him at the canteen. I miss sitting inside the kiosk and him waving at me from his room. I miss sharing notes with him. I just miss being able to see him on a daily basis.

Hay.

Lotsa love, Jana

A Total Nerd

2009-06-04T12:03:00.005+08:00

I'm officially enrolled now.

In a couple of days classes will start, and I'm having some moving feelings here inside of me. I'm happy, excited, whoopdeedoo and all other types of good positive feelings. I may be considered a nerd, but I really cannot wait for school to start.

I've checked all my schedules (half-days everywhere!!), and my classes are definitely some of the stuff I'm really interested in (World Literature, Sacred Scriptures, Hebrew Poetry!!!). Oh, dear gosh, I am a nerd!

I'm the Crazy Nerd!

In other news, I've recently joined a "Role Playing Game" in Anime Forum, and I am seriously having fun with it. I am allowing myself to go crazy with my writing skills, something which I haven't had much of in a very long time.

Wanna read my character kill a bunch of people from my imagination? I be the one named janajee. Sean goes crazy here and Glaiza throws up on her savior here.

Yay!

Lotsa love, Jana

Meet Jeebaby

2009-05-25T22:13:00.002+08:00

What's up, pumpkin pies?

I seem to have this overwhelming feeling to blog, and yet this overwhelming feeling can't seem to provide me with any topic to actually blog about, so instead I've been typing and deleting words every fifteen minutes or so, words which can be summarized into one simple sentence: I've run out of things to do, can't school start already?

I have been spending a lot of time plurk-ing, and facebook-ing, so much that my thought pattern now talks to myself, and because I'm crazy, myself speaks in the third person. Though Jana is enjoying herself playing with her pet, Jeebaby, in Pet Society, there is more to life for her than words and moving figures on a screen. She wants to see the Turtle for one thing, and plus she just lost all her Pet Society coins because she gambled too much.

Look, pumpkin pies! This is Jeebaby, and she is a spoiled little purple whatever the heck type of animal she may be. I'd do anything just to get this little Jeebaby all the money that she needs, even visiting all of her friends just to scrounge for some 20 coins a hug, in order that I can buy her pretty dresses, may I just ask, why are the purple stuff so expensive Pet Society? I also think she needs some shoes, don't you think?

I need more coins, time to hug some smelly pets.

Lotsa love, Jana

Wedding

2009-05-20T20:30:00.009+08:00

Greetings, pumpkin pies!

As I've mentioned in my previous entries, with a lot of fairies flying in and about that I bet you all are sick of all these talk about fairies but hey my Internet is stable enough to publish pictures so I'm thankful enough for one last mention; I have posted some of the wedding pictures!

I woke up at around four in the morning because the preparations for the wedding was happening at the house and they were doing make-ups and stuff here in this room. So I woke up a little woozy but never woozy enough to document the changes that my face took!

This is before anything is applied, anywhere. I have bed hair, luggage under my eyes and I'm wearing a ratty t-shirt. But hey, even though I have bed hair, my hair is still short and cute! Woot-ness for the pretty short bob!

This after make-up has been applied. I now own shiny lips, and, though it's not obvious here, I got pretty eyes. And those eyes are trying really hard not to cry because the way the make-up was applied, kind of hurt, especially with the eyelashes. I still remember it, huhu.

Ah, the finished product! Don't I look pretty? I blink prettily at you so that you will be convinced of my pretty-ness. *blink blink*

Pretty, right? Hehehe.

That's how my dress looks like from afar, and I don't have any other clearer pictures of the full body and I totally screwed up my face in that picture, but it's alright because look at my sparkly dress! It all makes up for it!

Oh, and that guy is my partner during the wedding. He was quiet, so I pretty much did all the talking. We were the cord sponsors. It was fun, but I have a feeling that I scared him. Ah well.

But the best part of the day was being with my real partner and significant other. He was my date for the wedding, and it was fun because I was a bridesmaid and being a bridesmaid means I get freebies and I'm going somewhere with this sentence really, and he still served me drinks like I didn't have any freebies and so I shared my freebies with him, and doesn't he just love me so much?

Yay.

Lotsa love, Jana

Shaking

2009-05-18T21:34:00.008+08:00

Hello, dear pumpkin pies, did you miss me?

Well I hope you have, because I've missed you. It seems the fairies like me this time around and has somewhat stabled my Internet. But you know those fairies, they're always changing their minds, and might actually be cutting off the Internet as we speak. I shake my head at those flaky fairies. *shake shake*

Nothing really significant has been happening lately, at least significant in a sense that a mountain is actually volcano and we're all going to die or my brother has decided that he will get married stat to anyone he manages to convince because we'll lose a hundred million pesos if he doesn't, anyone wants to marry him? type of significance. But if you can call bonding with my brother and making a deeper friendship with him and totally yay for sibling love, then yeah it has been a significant few days.

Also, I believe I mentioned that I was going to be attending a wedding and may I just say that fancy dress is sparkly! I definitely think it's a really gorgeous dress. Except it has one flaw, it's in apple green. I might somehow feel like a vegetable, but hey it's a shmexy vegetable at least? If it only came in lavender, then that dress would be perfect. I'll post up pictures of me as shmexy vegetable with a cute haircut after the wedding.

It has been about a week since I've last seen the Turtle and I am desperately missing him. Did I ever mention that one of the things that would make me really happy is to be sewn to his hip? Yes, yes, pumpkin pies, this is very true. He's the date that I'm going to bring to the wedding of my cousin, and dude, I can't believe I'm old enough to actually bring a date to a wedding, and that I actually have a date to bring to the wedding, and in fact sometimes the presence of the Turtle in my life just brings me so much awe, is this a dream, because I really don't want to wake up?

Ah, life is good.

Lotsa love, Jana

Shmexy

2009-05-16T18:49:00.005+08:00

I'm still alive, bloggers!

Ever since my Mom has arrived from Brunei, all my problems seem to have disappeared within the blink of an eye. I'm more relaxed because I don't have to worry about money and my dysfunctional family. I've also gotten a better wardrobe which now contains new shirts, pants and a kickass gown/dress with sparkly sparkles for a wedding that I'm going to attend.

Except, the Internet has been really wacky lately. But I guess I can't have everything in this world, right? Also, I have been ignoring the Internet fairies lately, and I haven't done my hourly ritual of clapping and saying I believe in fairies, and have probably caused a million deaths of fairies all around Neverland. Maybe that's why they're targeting me, because the Internet connection for the computer outside that my brother is currently using is fine.

Plus I got a new haircut!

Stare at the May masthead and look at the glory of the haircut that is on my head! Be awed and worship the genius that is short bobs! The hair has made me lost a ton of non-existent weight and I look shmexy!

That is all, cause I need to shower.

Lotsa love, Jana

Sparkly

2009-05-08T18:10:00.006+08:00

What is up with the weather in Philip of Pines, people?

First it's hot like heck, then freezing cold, then humidly wet, and then hot all over again. I have this sneaking suspicion that the world is ending, and someone, somewhere around the world, is telling some gullible people that they ought to sell everything they own and move in with aforementioned someone and surrender all their money, except they are obviously and redundantly gullible because if the world is going to end, what in the world does the aforementioned someone need your money for? What, is aforementioned someone the only one allowed to have money after the world ends?

And that paragraph ended far from where it started.

It is approximately four days until this fugitive running away to a different house thing is over because my Mom and brother are arriving on May 12 and we're going to completely cut ourselves off from all these dysfunctional family drama, and I wouldn't have to tiptoe around so I wouldn't step on any toes any longer, and my brother and I will be free of all dysfunctional behavior, except, you know, our own.

Also on May 12, I am going on a date with the Turtle, which ends with us picking up my Mom and brother from their flight from Brunei. But it is a date with the Turtle nonetheless and I am ecstatic because if it were possible I want to permanently sew myself to the Turtle's hip, that way no one can force me to leave him because I am an appalling, embarrassing and not to mention crazy girlfriend that way.

In my humble opinion, any reason to be with him deserves a celebration that involves fancy dresses, men in tuxedos, dancing, music and an All You Can Eat, Eat All You Can, You Can Eat All Buffet. It's just too bad that our wallets put together cannot even afford the shiny sparkles used in a fancy dress, because any fancy dress must sparkle, and if we can't have the sparkles, it is officially not a dress, like Pluto is officially not a planet.

Oh look, dinner's ready. Ciao, ya'll.

Lotsa love, Jana

Bigfoot

2009-05-06T17:39:00.007+08:00

Tick tock tick tock tick tock.

The clock is driving me crazy. It's times like this when I've got nothing better to do, that I sink into pensive thoughts, situations that force me to ask deep things that questions my life as I know it. Where is my life heading too? Why is this happening to me? Will I ever have a proper home? Did I really make the right decision by taking this road in my life? What are my plans after I graduate? How am I going to change my masthead for the month of May when I don't even have my camera with me? How am I going to get my hands on a KFC Famous Bowl without leaving the house? Does anyone in this house know where I can get some sweet corn?

All very very valid questions that I desperately need answers to, but none seem to appear when they are obviously very desperately needed. Those answers are selfish, hiding from poor poor me. I demand some payment of sorts and they better pacify me or someone's going to be responsible for the meltdown and me melting down is not a pretty sight. Actually just me alone is not a pretty sight.

I have been watching Lost Tapes recently and it gave me the creeps. At first I thought it was real, and have sworn to never never ever go on a camping trip ever again, but then I wiki-ed and found out that those stories weren't real at all.

I wonder if I can meet Bigfoot?

He seems like such a nice guy.

Lotsa love, Jana

Help Me, I'm Bored

2009-05-05T18:17:00.004+08:00

Fourth bored day.

It will take exactly seven days until my life speeds up, and I was wondering if anybody knew someone where I can get a high-speed remote that will make the twelfth of May come so much faster. I am running out of activities to do and food to eat here, people. It seems even the Internet has run out of things to offer me, darn those Internet fairies.

Meanwhile, I have managed to score a room to sleep in with cabled TV, and since I'm sleeping alone now I can watch whatever I want, whenever I want and until whatever time I want to. Yay for cabled TV under my complete control.

The Turtle will be going on a camp thing at Zambales, which is several more hours away from me (why are you so big, Philip of Pines???), where there is no signal whatsoever and I'm going to be completely Turtle-less for two days at the very least. This stinks, not only can I not see the Turtle in person, now I can't even hear his voice. Stupid cheap no available signal cellphone.

Suggestions of a personal project, anyone?

Lotsa love, Jana

Shortie

2009-05-04T18:51:00.004+08:00

And the third day passes by without a sound.

I already have routine planned out on how I'm going to spend the next seven days whilst I stay here, and it's nothing elaborate or breath-taking but it is enough to make the days go by faster until my Mom and Brother arrive from the tiny land of Brunei Darussalam. So far all I've been doing is eating, sleeping, watching, blogging and repeat from step one.

In other news I have finished watching Boys Over Flowers. Yay!

That is all.

Lotsa love, Jana

Big Country

2009-05-02T18:36:00.007+08:00

I have left the premises of the deadly household.

After a strength-sucking travel from one province to another (which may I just ask, whose bright idea was it to make this country so big and the places so far from each other anyway? Yeah, if you were running for president, I so would not vote for you, you non-existent decider of making this country big person), and after I had believed that I'd probably won't see the Internet until after a couple of days, it seems that the Internet fairies has deemed me worthy of another chance, and has given me a computer to mess around with until I get my laptop. See I knew that those bloody sacrifices wasn't all for waste, and they all just laughed at me. Well, guess who's laughing now, huh? Huh?

So I'm staying at the father's side of my family. Yes, the other dysfunctional side where it's all heck I'm too busy to care so go do your thing just don't get in my face. Which I can probably stand for a couple of days, so to those who care, I'm going to be fine, people.

But, darn it, people. I am, to use a phrase, dead-tired. Therefore I have decided that I shall exploit the kindness of the fairies tomorrow. Plus the "owner" of the computer has been walking in and out of the room every now and then and I kind feel all kinds of killer stares at the back of my neck, so I really should retire from this seat and just watch me some television.

From one eye-ruin-er to another, ey?

Lotsa love, Jana

It's Been a Summer

2009-04-30T23:20:00.002+08:00

This summer has been one painful event after another.

And is it just me, or is this cold weather abnormal for a summer vacation? Somebody needs to give me an explanation for this. Ever since I was a wee little child, the summer always meant hot weather, swimming, cold sodas and ice-cream. How am I supposed to have that with this abnormal weather? This is an injustice to all things routine and I ought to sue someone because somebody somewhere needs to pay something in order that I feel better, because life is just all about me.

And just when I tried to enjoy myself, just when I had declared that this summer vacation would be different, just when I was actually having fun, I was bombarded with all kinds of painful events that made drastic changes that will probably last into the long future.

I'm moving houses soon and even though I've grown to love this house and have had thoughts of actually inheriting this place when I'm all old and wrinkly, I can't stomach living here anymore. If it wasn't for certain vital activities I needed to attend to, I would have gotten out of here much sooner, but I can only leave the place by Saturday. One more day, one more day of enduring the spiteful words and the hidden agendas of this household. Just one more day, and I'm outta here.

It's kind of sad that I'm leaving this house though.

Though the people aren't anything to boast about, staying up at night here makes me believe that maybe fairy tales can come true.

I'll miss that the most.

Lotsa love, Jana

A Night Like Mine

2009-04-28T02:24:00.005+08:00

I feel like the night belongs to me.

When I'm up in the middle of the night like this, I feel like everything was made just for me. Like the stars where placed in the sky, so that I would have something to look at. That the trees whisper with the wind because they're trying to tell me something. Even if I was just sitting in one place, I feel like I'm being transported somewhere else. Somewhere magical; a place where fairy tales can actually exist, where the night sky had no boundaries, and flying unicorns and pretty fairies danced somewhere far, far, too far for me to see, but it's easier to believe their existence in the night like this.

Most of the time, it's the harsh cold light of day that jolts me from my lucid dream, hiding the stars from my view, forcing me to see that trees are really just trees with nothing to tell me. I never did like the day much. Daylight meant reality. Daylight means that I have to work instead of dream. Everyone is awake, so the day can't belong to me alone. No fairies can exist in the day cause the sun is too bright for them to show their sparkle, and unicorns can't fly during the day cause their wings would burn because of the hot, hot, heat of the son. Fairy tales, for me, can't exist in the day, because the day is filled with too many people, and too much noises.

So let me stay up just a little bit while longer.

Let me pretend that those lands I can't see, are not because they don't exist, but because they're too far, and I'll probably have to squint a little harder just to be able to catch a glimpse of sparkle of sorts or maybe the shiny horn of a unicorn flying up in the horizon.

Let this night be mine for a little while.

Lotsa love, Jana

Woosh Woosh, Superhero

2009-04-27T00:58:00.004+08:00

There is this one thing about being separated from your significant other that I might possibly like, and it's all the calls that he makes. Oh sure I'd trade all of that, just to see him and hang out with him and do all the normal things a normal couple will do on a normal date, but one must make due with what one has.

At least we live in the same country, right?

Anyway, during times of separation, he makes the cutest of calls, and he makes it all the time. He wakes me up every morning and bids me goodnight every night. He makes pouting noises every time I answer the phone after the fourth ring. He is such a goofball.

In the midst of all the stress, he is the one thing that relaxes me. When things get scary, he calms me. When things don't make sense, he makes it all clear. When I'm going crazy, he pulls me back down and sets me straight. He's my superhero.

I love him.

Goodnight, my superhero.

Lotsa love, Jana

Scared Now, Really

2009-04-25T17:23:00.005+08:00

Hmm.

Forget the drama, drama, drama, joke.

I might be for a moment right now, might be, well really really fecking scared out of my wits, to put it simple words that my brain might be able to comprehend. Why am I so fecking scared out of my wits, you my faithful, my one, my only, my non-existent fan, might ask?

Well, if you might remember my previous entry on how my life is just crazy? Well it has gotten much much scarier.

You see my uncle with the boxers in a knot? Well he strikes again, this time going from talking about someone owing someone some money, people who are not related to me or to any of my parents, he suddenly goes into insulting my parents. At first I was indignant, what the heck is wrong with that guy? And I talked to my parents about it, and I might be moving houses very very soon. So yay for that, right?

However after I consulted with my parents, among other relatives, it seems my uncle might be... well dysfunctional in the he's on drugs dysfunctional way. And I've heard stories. Scary stories. Scary freaking me out of my wits scary stories.

So, you know if you never hear from me after this, it might be because I'm buried somewhere in our backyard or something. Don't worry, though, my lonesome non-existent fan, I'll leave this blog to be updated by someone who is as crazy as me so you won't be lonely.

Ciao, y'all, and do pray for my safety.

Lotsa love, Jana

Just Crazy

2009-04-22T13:41:00.006+08:00

Drama, drama, drama

It's like someone pulled me out of my life and decided to place me in one of those asian dramas that I watch until the wee hours of the morning. Good thing I still have my leading man, because if I hadn't, I would have thrown myself over the nearest bridge, which really I do not want to have to do because have you seen the garbage-filled rivers that are in the city, here in the Philippines? I think I'd die of bacteria infection instead of actual drowning.

Drama #1
An old ex-friend decides to show up after several months of hiatus. The last time we spoke consisted of screaming and shouting and would have to be rendered into exclamation marks and capital letters in order to do it justice if I were to type about that here.

And then suddenly out of the blue, he makes a comeback, claiming to be all nice and claiming that no more whining, no more complaining, no more insulting, he swears. And I think, why the heck not? I'm one who likes to give second, third, twentieth chances, so I give him another chance. First few weeks, he was alright.

Then suddenly he explodes!

And we get into another exclamation capital letters he insults me and I am so pissed off fight. He starts complaining, whining and bloody heck I just wanted to go blind and deaf right then and there. After a lot of arguing (!!!) and shouting (OH EM GEE), I finally made my decision.

And so I told him to stay away from me now.

Drama #2
At the college I have three best girl friends, and recently someone's been attacking my little oasis of girl friendship happiness.

On of my friends has an ex, who now seems to have a budding relationship with Ms. Attacking Other People's Oasis of Girl Friendship Happiness. And this girl suddenly out of nowhere, sends a message of threat claiming so many things that cannot all be true. And she's trying to break us apart with her weird claims, and that it was someone within the our group who have said nasty things about my friend with the ex, and and and I so totally bet that it's her overall jealousy of the beautiful friendship that we share that is making her resort to these kind of underhanded methods. I mean like we really care who the ex of my friend ends up with.

A girl-cat fight? What is this, high school?

Drama #3
Here's a little background

You know how some families are so dysfunctional? The father is an alcoholic, the mother spends too much money, the older brother has some girl pregnant, the older sister is on cocaine and the youngest is a genius but no one appreciates her because they give much more care to the TV than to their budding genius of a daughter - that kind of family?

Well, I thank God that my immediate family is so far removed from that, however my extended family are, to borrow a phrase, weird beyond comprehension. Like completely, one hundred percent, out there. Someone must have decided to use up all of life's weirdness and poured them out on my aunts and uncles and cousins.

My father's side are too busy to give a care about you and my mother's side are all in your face because they've got nothing better too. Both sides are dysfunctional personified.

Enough of the background.

Yesterday, an uncle exploded because I forgot to turn off the light after using the bathroom. He literally freaking exploded. From bathroom lights, he went and insulted my heritage, and said that I was a spoiled brat, that I was a weird hybrid of a pig, that I was going to burn, and that my parents didn't know what they were doing when they raised me and my brother. Then he just went on to random curses and swearing.

All the time I was sitting there, and I was thinking,

WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

It was a freaking light bulb, no need to get your boxers in a knot. Well I am sorry if I'm forgetful, but dude? Seriously, for a freaking light bulb, you insult my heritage, which may I just point out is your heritage too?

Gyaaaaaah..(insert an hour's worth of pissed off scream here)..ah

End of Drama Count

And all of these? They all happened within the span of a couple of days. Whoopdeedoo, I guess I can say my summer vacation has been spectacular, huh? I can hardly say it's boring.

As I've mentioned earlier, thank God, thank you so much Je, that I still have my leading man, the Turtle, because I'd have given up a long time ago if the Turtle wasn't there to support me every step of the long and winding dialogue.

I just hope we defy the current tradition of some dramas, where they're going to be separated and then after two years, I have changed into a gorgeous lady, and he still needs me and does everything to woo me back. Though as much as I like the gorgeous part and the wooing especially, I think I'd die if I was truly separated from him, and I wouldn't know if I would see him again or not.

Hmm, I wonder if we would have a title for my drama?

Jana's Crazy Life?

Hmm, maybe Just Crazy?

Lotsa love, Jana

Just Go

2009-04-18T21:02:00.004+08:00

...

You know I'm never going to believe you again right?

You said you were going to be nice. What in the world was I thinking, allowing you to be in my presence once again? You said you were not going to be a whiny, annoying, jerk-off and I believed you. I am such an idiot. I should have known that you were never ever going to change. Your kind hardly ever do.

Stay away from my her.

If you take another step toward her, I swear I will punch you. I may not have had any practice after all these years, and I may be a weakling now, but I will still punch you. After that I'll call on the Turtle to pummel you to ground. He's a pacifist, but he's a really really really strong pacifist, with humongous muscles, so I'd still be afraid if I were you.

I hope this is the last time I'll say this: Go away.

And don't whine your way back to me. It may have worked a couple of years back, but you already used up your quota of my patience and if I hear one more word, I really will shove my pencil in my ear, if only I never hear from you again.

...

When the Dinosause Swore

2009-04-12T21:04:00.004+08:00

I blame it on my dying brain, as well as boredom.

After lunch I decided to catch a little snooze, so that I'd have enough strength for an all-night watching-slash-reading anime-slash-manga again tonight, because I woke up early today instead of sleeping in. And so sleep I did.

Too bad I had a really weird nightmare, or rather afternoon-mare.

I was making some calls with my phone outside my house when suddenly out of the blue, this big guy appears, except he looks like Barney, except he doesn't really, but I know him as Barney, and I hope this sentence makes sense. Anyway Barney the Purple Dinosaur was there, and I was making some calls, and he walks past me.

Suddenly, he turns and gives me another look and he starts grabbing my hand. And I'm like what? And he suddenly says, with his Barney voice but in a very made to scare people type of tone..

"Give me your phone!"

And I'm like, what? No way! Let go!

And he starts twisting my arm, and making grabs at my phone, and I start screaming my head off, like asking for help. All the neighbors start pouring out and hitting him, saying stuff like: You think you can pull this off here, huh, punk?! It was kind of funny cause my neighbors are old. Kind of reminds me of that old lady that beat the crap out of Alex the Lion in Madagascar.

Barney finally let go of my hand, and said in his angry tone:

"You haven't seen the last of me, @#$%#!"

Instead of being afraid, the first thing I thought of after that was, dude Barney the Purple Dinosaur? Well, he just assaulted me! I am so blogging about this!

And then I woke up.

I also blame it on sleeping too much.

Lotsa love, Jana

Summer Sleep

2009-04-09T15:11:00.003+08:00

After spending the past two weeks staying up into the wee hours of the morning and sleeping for only four hours because I have work and class the next day, my body brutally forced itself to sleep, to make up for the torture it's been through because of me, and therefore I had slept for thirteen hours, something that I was not used to and in fact it gave me a whopper of a headache, like I was drunk all of last night and now I'm having a hangover, something which is impossible because I have never, never, been drunk my entire life.

And that was a long sentence.

Why have I been staying up for these past two weeks?

It may be because of my summer class, considering it's supposedly a four month class crammed in a nutshell and forced to be taken in three weeks. Anyone can be sufficiently stressed over that, including yours truly, and that could be the reason why I haven't slept properly for two weeks. Except I haven't been really studying at all either, cause it's a sort of subject that is easily done without spending hours and hours on understanding it.

It could be more likely because I've spent those nights either watching some Korean, Taiwanese, Japanese drama, that has almost the same plot but the guys are hot so I still watch them anyway; or reading some other romantic comedy that I borrowed-slash-bought recently. I, being a hopeless romantic, could not help but devour scene by scene, page by page. Tee Hee.

Another reason might be the fact that most of the nights, I've been waiting for the Turtle to call and text me. He's been staying up late most of the time too, so we text and sometimes he would call me, and sometimes we'd do it for hours.

Reasons why I've been staying up are all really bollocks (except maybe the one about the Turtle, he is always an important excuse to torture myself), it's no wonder why my body hates me.

In other news, man is today hot or what?

Lotsa love, Jana

For Nadie

2009-04-08T00:00:00.001+08:00

On the 5th of April, I was panicking because I realized that I forgot something. How could I have forgotten, and she is going to kill me, were the thoughts that were going through my head. I checked her blogs and there were a bunch of people going Happy Birthday! And I'm thinking, oh no... she really is going to kill me. And so I started to think of something, anything to make sure that her anger will ebb away, because she has never forgotten my birthday, and damn it, I really try my hardest not to forget hers. I think of excuses, anything, that might prevent her from turning me into a burger and devouring me.

"I was stuck on a mountain, and I swear they had no signal there, so how could I have greeted you. But seriously I was thinking of you yesterday"

"I'm really sorry my brain just died, that's why I forgot about it, I mean duh, I don't even know my name at the moment, so yeah it's a big step for me to be able to greet you a belated right?"

I decided to go with the mountain.

And so I spammed her with several belated birthday greetings. After being satisfied and praying to the fairies that she won't be too pissed off about it, I casually glance at her blog one more time.

"Happy birthday baby rockstar!"

Wait what?

Baby rockstar??? Isn't baby rockstar her boyfriend?? It's his birthday too? Hmmm... What a loving coincidence. Then something hits me like a brick; the way I remember her birthday was through her e-mail, and I quickly checked it to realize that dude her birthday isn't on the fourth of april, it was on the eighth.

Why did I think 408??? It was 804! Gosh darn it!

And so I spammed her some more about my huge mistake and I felt slightly sorry about losing the whole mountain excuse because I can't use that excuse anymore when I actually really forget her birthday. And the mountain wasn't a pretty bad excuse at all.

And so to make it up for the mistake, I have decided to post this blog post on 12:00 AM, on the 8th of April, 2008 to commemorate the day she takes an annual step closer to her death. Yay!

With our high school picture from graduation, I would like to express the happiest of birthdays to the one, the only, NADIE-DODO!

The only girl I would choose to pursue, if I were actually either a guy, or a lesbian.

Happy Birthday Nadie, I love you and I miss you so very mucho.

Lotsa love, Jana

Engulfing is Such a Cool Word

2009-04-06T01:10:00.003+08:00

There's this need to spew words and yet the topics that I want to discuss seem to evade me like rabid bunnies showing their tails and winking at me and then running down the their hole to hide from me when I approach them.

Darn bunnies.

...

Type. Type. Type, type, type, type. Erase, erase, type type, erase. Type type type, erase, type. Erase, erase, erase, erase, erase, erase, erase, erase. Type.

Empty white screen.

The empty white screen is engulfing me.

Must say something. Must do something. Must blurt out something, anything to get rid of the appalling white screen of engulfing-ness.

...

Jana.

Staying up in the middle of the night and typing useless crap that makes no sense, how old are you? You're already twenty, can't you think of more things with depth and imagination and meaning, instead of the immature things that you write that people are never going to purposely read out of their own free will, because hello, who would choose to poison their mind with your drivel?

...

But sometimes, words are all I've got. When I'm down and out, when I'm restless, when I'm happy, when I'm bored, when I'm busy, when I need to explode, when I need to share, when I'm disturbed, when I'm scared. Sometimes, words are all I've got to give.

...

Pensive thoughts, think pensive-tivity!

...

You know what's lacking in this entry? Relevant content. There's actually nothing for me to say because nothing has really happened recently that has grabbed my attention enough to exaggerate and blog about it. The lack of nothing significant is so ridiculous that I cannot find the words suitable to exaggerate the lack-ness of significant happenings, but bravely enough I shall give it a shot:

My life at the moment is like watching the grass grow, and it's all a bunch of slow growing grass, and there's no snakes or bugs or anything around to make this slow growing grass interesting.

...

Well that was a lame attempt.

Let me distract you with more dots, and when you're sufficiently distracted by the distracting dots that I have employed to purposely distract you, I shall make my escape when you are efficiently distracted.

...

Lotsa love, Jana

Edited
Ignore me and this bullocks of an entry. If it's possible to be intoxicated from drinking too much grape-juice, then you can blame this useless entry on the account of me being drunk on grape juice.

I Introduce You to Another Stupidity Syndrome

2009-03-29T20:04:00.004+08:00

I've mentioned this a ton of times before, and I think I'm running out of ways to express it and I believe I should just get over it by now, but I can't help it. Every time I try to get used to it, it hits me harder than a truck driven by a drunk driver on steroids: I am leading a completely different life here than the one I used to know in Brunei.

This week, this realization came in a form of early breakfast with a bunch of guys back at the dorm. I have taken a summer class called Elementary Statistics, because I have not tortured myself enough during the school year, and so I thought that by voluntarily taking a mathematics subject it would probably be enough to do the trick of finally pushing me over the edge.

So anyway, breakfast with a bunch guys reads that I had to wake up early to study and do assignments with my guy friends who also decided to torture themselves with the subject. There we were: unbathed, smelly, eye-bagged, ready to hit those darn fecking books to finish an assignment and to study for a quiz, when I just realized something.

These guys, they're looking to me for help. They're depending on me. How absolutely wickedly cool is that?! And I realized that back in high school, during those dark dark ages, I had ruined absolutely any chance I could ever have of having normal friendships with the male species. Why? Because every male friend I had, there was always this color of maybe this guy would end up liking me too and maybe I like this guy too and maybe we could be a great couple and end up together and have a wonderful marriage with kids and flowers and a backyard and front yard and a pool. This is something I'd like to call guy friendship ruined because of stupidity syndrome.

But here, here in the great Philip of Pines, it seemed I was capable of getting friendships without ruining it because of that stupidity of mine. And now, I have close guy friends with whom I could be weird and funky and smelly and unbathed and they wouldn't care because we're friends and there would be no color of maybe we're meant to be because I would know them too well; well enough to realize that dude, I want that house, and that backyard, and that front yard, and that pool, and marriage, with babies with someone else because you and me, we're only good as friends.

And that moment felt so good, because I've never had normal male friends before and suddenly I have a group of idiots with whom I can be idiotic with. Guys who can be the older brother figure that I've always been looking for. Guys I could go cross-country with and there would be no issue, or awkwardness at all because we're just a bunch of friends hanging out.

And so I spent most of the morning doing our assignments together and studying for a quiz and them throwing hints that I smelled bad, and me saying that at least I looked prettier than them. They're smelly and more, I'm just smelly.

Here ends my discovery on how my life now isn't the same as before.

Tralalala

Lotsa love, Jana

The Thing That Goes on in My Head

2009-03-20T18:26:00.005+08:00

From the table of my imaginary psychiatrist who can read my mind:

Subject: Jana, aka The Crazy
Age: 20

Observations on Day 54

The subject has decided that though the two weeks she has spent in front of the TV, going numb using the computer and sleeping in her bed past lunchtime have been fun and all, but it is time now to pull up her socks and kick into high gear and work her butt off again for some more mind numbing experience called summer classes, and a summer job.

So on this day, she woke up early, took a nice shower and left the house early.

And so then started her crazy day, made crazy only because said subject is crazy. She took a jeep that would take her to the same stop she has been taking for about two years now, and the subject has been doing this, to be redundant and repetitive and therefore emphasizing the fact, for two years. The amazing thing is that though she has been doing this same thing for two years, she gets lost.

Which is a proof in itself that the subject, the Crazy, has no sense, nada, none at all, as in complete zero, sense of direction and should be forever banned from driving a car because the said subject would get lost immediately after approximately five minutes.

After asking a guard and looking like the retard that she is, she finally finds her original stop, which is the train station and gets on the train, nothing special here as the subject displayed normal behavior for a human being, so let's move on to the her next stop which is the bus stop, and she finally gets on the bus.

While on the bus, a bald guy with tattoos all over his arms sat next to the subject. Instead of getting scared of the big scary man with tattoos, the subject indulged herself into daydreams about her being the kind and gracious lady that she thinks she is and taking this bad boy under her wing and making him realize the error of his ways and turning him into a good boy. Daydream also included a proposal from Mr. Bad Turned Good Boy By Gracious Lady, which the subject did not accept because she was in love with someone else, and this is all happening in her head.

The subject's daydream was cut short when she noticed the size of the guy's arms and promptly became scared; a normal human reaction that came too late. Subject maybe suffering from delayed emotional response to stimuli. Note: Must remember to list that among her many defects. So after the subject realized that she is scared stiff that this guy might decide to kill her with his bare hands, because he definitely seems capable to do so, she starts repeating the chant that she has coined in times of distress: OH GOSH, PLEASE DO NOT KILL ME, I AM BEGGING YOU DO NOT KILL ME, even though at the back of her mind, there is this lingering thought that he probably will not hurt her as she is of course the gracious lady, he'll be moved before he even takes the swing, but the subject decides to still chant, just in case. After chanting several times, Mr. Bald Bad Guy moves a few seats in front of her.

He sits next another girl and promptly plays a sort of mini-war with her about the aircon-thing and who gets to have it. The subject laughs to herself and thanks her lucky stars that that very capable bald dude did not tear her apart with his bear hands and also the whole war thing was kind of cute. Subject seems to swing from daydreams to paranoia to delirious happy thoughts all in an hour. The Crazy is truly, as her alias suggests, crazy.

Nothing much occurs when she arrives at the college, except for enrollment for another mathematics subject. The subject however did curse whoever decided to create mathematics in the first place, and also the person who decided that it should be imposed upon innocent students such as she claims herself to be.

When the subject takes the train home, she notices a little old lady standing while all males in the near vicinity are either pretending to not notice her or sleeping. The subject decides to be gentleman, or rather gentle-lady, enough for those male dorks, and stands for the little old lady. The subject smiles and encourages the little old lady to sit down in her place but the little old lady only smiled and refused. The subject insists only to be refused again, and so she sits down and thinks, dude, what the heck happened?? because that was slightly embarrassing. And then she notices that when a male finally stood for the little old lady, Ms. Little Old Lady sat down without so much as a second look.

The subject has asked whether the old lady was just being nice to her, or whether this is a form of sexism in itself, and I was unable to give any form of answer. I apologize. It seemed the subject was greatly disturbed by this because for the first time ever since she has been taking the train, she missed her stop, and had to take another station back. Stupid subject.

Finally after all of the traveling was said and done, it was time to walk the few meters back home, and it was during this few meters that the subject has realized something about her body. It seems that every time she would take a step, she'd feel a slight stabbing pain to her knee joints. Subject is slightly pissed off at the revelation. Note: Subject seems to suffer from juvenile rheumatism at the age of twenty.

Final comments:

The subject is still obviously out of her mind and this entails that she must be kept under constant observation because who knows what she'll do to harm herself and the those that surround her.

...

Well that was woozy day.

Lotsa love, Jana

Why I Want to Go to Taiwan

2009-03-19T17:29:00.007+08:00

I've been watching a lot of Taiwanese Drama lately, to pass the summer vacation time. And may I just exaggerate, I am so totally enjoying and am now on the verge of begging anyone to teach me Taiwanese, somebody kidnap me, I want to go to Taiwan. I've already finished watching Fated to Love You twice and have immensely enjoyed it, and now I'm giving Hot Shot a shot, and so far it's pretty good and funny. Reminds me of my Slam Dunk addiction days.

Though it's mostly fun and games, there has been some serious pensive thoughts that came about while watching these shows. It just goes to show that TV does not, according to those boring adults, rot your mind, because it even gives you valuable lessons about yourself. [Insert childish dance with nyeh-nyeh-ness].

Fated to Love You is definitely one of my most favorite dramas of all time. It definitely deserves the title as one of the highest rating drama in Taiwan. It does have a serious tune to it, so I'm sure those who demand reality to be mixed with a fiction show should like it too. Also it is the first drama that has made me cry which did not result into me swearing to never watch it again because I have a habit of choosing never to watch tear-jerkers more than once.

But I've already watched this show twice and I wouldn't mind watching it again. Why? Because it is one darn heck of a funny show. All the characters are amazing and they have their own touch of comedy in them!

Especially Ji Cun Xi, played by Ethan. He is my most favorite leading man of all time. He is funny and amazing, and generous and totally cute. And I think Chen Xin Yi made no mistake of choosing him over Dylan because Cun Xi is the best! [Insert fangirl squeals].

Apologies to those who did not understand the previous paragraph, but really it's all your fault for not watching the greatness such as contained in Fated to Love You.

As for Hot Shot, so far it's funny and I already have my favorite leading man from this series as well: Da Ying, played by Show Lo.

From the very first look, you can see that he is one stand-up funny guy. And watching the show and his antics has already made me fall madly in love with Da Ying.

Now before I lose myself in my fangirl crazy mode, which is a totally different form of crazy than the usual abnormal Jana crazy, there is a point to all of these plugging. I have realized that having laughter in a relationship is important.

Woah! Were you shocked by that revelation?

What I'm trying to say is, I am so thankful to have the Turtle because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'm glad that only he can me make me laugh like no other. And that he is the best leading man that the Crazy could ever ask for, even when she's in crazy fangirl mode.

Bet you didn't see that one coming!

Lotsa love, Jana

Drama, Drama, Drama

2009-03-13T23:57:00.008+08:00

"EEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH"

Here I was watching TV, when suddenly, out of the blue, some of neighbors started screaming bloody murder outside. It really was like a murder was happening right outside my house. I know I should have been scared, which was the normal Jana thing to do, but nothing ever happens at this house, and I think the novelty of the event caught me by surprise because I, immediately, turned off the TV and ran outside to see what was happening.

I guess I should be thankful that the gate was already locked, because the whole drama was happening right in front of our house. Chairs were being thrown around and kids were crying. According to my sources, which consist of people speaking outside after the event and me crouching behind our gate trying to grasp at what happened, it really was not as serious as it sounded.

Ms. Screaming Bloody Murder was actually the one who started the whole thing, it seemed, because she kept going to Mr. Guy Throwing Chair's house to shout obscenities at Mr. Guy Throwing Chair and his family. Mr. Guy Throwing Chair of course got pissed off in the end and comes out and says something to the effect of "I'm going to punch you into pulpy juice", and Ms. Screaming Bloody Murder decides to scream bloody murder. Everyone comes out and pulls Mr. Guy Throwing Chair away before he hits Ms. Screaming Bloody Murder with the chair that he keeps throwing around. Ms. Screaming Bloody Murder was lucky though it seemed, because Mr. Guy Throwing Chair was really all bark but not bite. Mr. Guy Throwing Chair never really planned to hurt Ms. Screaming Bloody Murder, he just wanted to scare her, and she promptly displayed her fear by her multiple bloody murder screams. By doing so, Mr. Guy Throwing Chair, not only sacred Ms. Screaming Bloody Murder, but also just scared everybody else, including his own kids, hence the crowd of people and the crying children.

After hearing all this, Ms. Crouching Behind The Gate And Listening To All That Is Being Said (that's me by the way), decides that that was not so scary after all, and it was kind of a funny event too, and decides to go back into the house and watch TV again, and blog all about it later.

The second Friday the 13th of the year had a funny way of ending.

Lotsa love, Jana

Pensive-ity

2009-03-12T17:08:00.006+08:00

Silence sure is something, huh?

It can make you do things that you don't want to do because you either can't stand its presence or you just want to be in its presence. Sometimes, even though you're surrounded by sounds and noises and people, you still feel silence weighing on your heart. Sometimes even if the whole world is quiet, it doesn't mean that your world is silent.

I guess silence can be another form crazy.

Lotsa love, Jana

Past and Present

2009-03-10T19:26:00.008+08:00

Dear Kuya,

Two years ago, you said you loved me and I realized that I had already done what I swore I would never do, and, as the cliche goes, that's to fall in love with you.

I can't believe it's already two years since that day, and what I really want to ask you is, dude, how can you last this long in the presence of Crazy? Because honestly you're doing really well, lasting this long. I must congratulate you! For being a wonderful boyfriend with incredible patience and stamina to have been able to endure the stares, poking and the insanity of being with the Crazy personification.

Today was very special for me, and thank you for making it very special. Thank you for being easily coerced into giving me what I want on our second year. It was so easy to manipulate you to cook for me, even though you kept grumbling how you're not much of a cook, but honestly the fish was great. It was the best fish I had ever tasted in my entire life, because it was mixed with your magic particles that make me go awww inside.

...

It was a hot day.

I don't if was the make-up, or the heat, but I was itching, literally, to be finished with this studio picture moment. Being a first year student, this was the first time I was to be included in the annual yearbook that was produced, to be redundant, every year. I should be excited, really. But I never liked make-up, never liked the heat, but it was the long line of other students that took the cake on this bitchy day.

I was the third in line, and was sweating profusely. Two guys in front of me, one I knew and the other I barely noticed. So I decided to cajole the first guy to let me go first, cause I was itchy and tired and hot, and besides, he didn't have to wear make-up so I'm sure he isn't suffering as much as me. And so I cajoled, but then he said no, the selfish dork.

But you know the guy I didn't notice, he suddenly said out of the blue, that I could go in front of him in the line, and you know what...

That was the first time I noticed you.

Do you remember?

It wasn't much, but that was the first time I really realized your existence and from then on, you made me realize that without your existence, my existence would be quite a boring and somewhat meaningless one.

...

You said you loved me two years ago, and I'm glad that I didn't let myself be crazy for once and decided that the most sensible thing to do at this moment in time was to let myself fall in love with you.

Happy second anniversary, I love you.

Though he doesn't seem to be, he really is happy. Hahaha.

Lotsa love, Jana

The Master Rapper

2009-03-09T19:15:00.005+08:00

Francis M. recently passed away, as most Filipinos already know by now. He was a man to be remembered and to be respected by the Filipino community. He made the Filipinos proud.

I don't know why I'm typing something like this or why I even really care, but you see I do care. Just watching him and reading about him, Francis M., the Master Rapper of the Philippines, was really different from all those other deaths of celebrities that seemed to follow one after the other here in this country.

His death wasn't shrouded in mystery, and in hushed tones. His life wasn't much filled with different wives, and kids just sprouting from everywhere. His work was clean, and if you could say that about a guy, it was beautiful.

Even his memorial episodes on TV weren't the typical somber all people clad in black event, but everyone was in white and everyone, though of course mourning the loss of an important person, seemed lighthearted, as if everyone was just remembering the time they spent with the guy. Like a gathering of friends remembering that great guy that they knew.

That's why I care.

Because, selfishly as it may seem, I want people to remember me that way. Not with scandals and rumors, but as a gathering of friends remembering their crazy, weirdo friend and just lighthearted laughing about her and missing her. No hushed tones, no painful thoughts, no anger, no bitterness, no regrets.

Francis M., at 44, probably lived life to the fullest, and I, Jana Macabali, even at the mere age of 20, want to live life to the fullest too. I may not get famous or on TV, but I want those people who I am with, those people who know me, to be touched by my life.

And as someone said about him on TV, the Master Rapper has gone home to meet his Master. Rest in peace, Francis M. Your life has touched many, more than you have probably touched mine.

Enjoy heaven.

Lotsa love, Jana

Let it Begin

2009-03-08T23:38:00.005+08:00

I think I may have forgotten to mention earlier that the school year 2008-2009 is over and that I am now on vacation people!!

Woot-woot! To those who haven't yet noticed, I intend to make it as plain as possible that I am extremely happy that the summer vacation has started. I have so many ways and plans of relaxing that my fingers are tingling at the expectation of the joy of resting.

Yeah, yeah, I know, the sparkle of the vacation will probably disappear after a day or two, and I'll be bored and wishing it was over, but I plan for it to be different! I think I'm really going to enjoy this vacation. I have a feeling that the sparkle won't fade this time around. Maybe this feeling is because of this year, the third year at the college, which can be summarized in a single phrase: bugger off life, I'm busy.

Maybe now that I can afford the time to actually breathe whenever I feel like it, I'm actually thankful that I have the time to enjoy this vacation. Sure I'll probably be taking up some summer classes, and a summer job, but most of the time I'll still be resting. And I'll be resting the Jana way, which means watching TV, staying up, sleeping in, and using the computer nonstop. Woot-woot! No more neck-deep piles and piles of requirements. No more running here, running there, running everywhere. None of that, at least for a while.

Though of course, there is this one thing about the vacation that would be a tad bothersome to me. And it's the fact that I won't be able to see the Turtle everyday, as opposed to during school days, when I get to see him almost six times a week. I am dreadfully going to miss being attached to his arm, and the smiles he sends that melts me into little incoherent puddles of melted ooze.

He's the only thing I'm going to miss during the vacation. Curse the Philip of Pines for being such a large country that meeting up with your significant other takes more than five hours of travel.

Grr-ness.

Lotsa love, Jana

This Exists For a Reason

2009-03-07T23:19:00.001+08:00

A Disclaimer.

For the past few days, I've been terribly terribly terribly sick. I could not breathe through my nose, and forced to breathe through my mouth, I have had the pleasure of choking on my saliva several times per hour. My throat has also suffered, and therefore since they're right next to each other, my larynx, or voice box, or the thing that makes the noises in the mouth has also been affected.

I sound like a man, man!

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, though I said all those weird things in the previous entries, would it be alright for you to ignore it, pretend it never happened, and just forget all about it? I'm not one for deleting previous entries because it speaks of bad character and the like so it goes against the policies that exist within the realm of the Jana mind to delete them, so can we just pretend, like little boys and girls, that those entries were only a slip of the tongue forced by hormonal imbalance and big ugly case of the flu?

Honestly, I'm a happy banana! A really happy one!!!!!! (!!!!) - with added exclamation marks to show the happiness! This entry exists so that I could disclaim any form of coherent thinking from any of the previous entries and I am now hypnotizing you with the bold letters so that you will forget all about it.

But since I was never any good at that, I'll just go ahead and pretend that you fell for that and that I am not up in the middle of the night making useless and absolutely wasted entries.

In other news, the tenth of March is coming, so for those who care, watch this blog for an important update on the one of the best miracles that has ever happened in the Crazy's life.

A good night to all and to all a good night!

Lotsa love, Jana