Thursday, March 30, 2006

Bit down since last night...

I don't know, I guess when the dance-people came, I got a little bit cheered up. But then I had to go home, and I realized how much down in the dumps I truly am. It's like, I couldn't face anyone at all. The moment I got home, I locked myself in the room and I did the only thing I can do to make me forget the deep sadness that is inside of me.

No, I didn't cut myself. I promised I wouldn't do that anymore. What I did was sleep till the next day. So basically, I feel much awake now and very much more down.

That's the problem with sleep. When you wake up, it all comes crashing down. Well it is the same for most runaway-from-your-problems-technique there is hanging around. But with sleep, it just feels so much more. It's not fun when the moment you wake up, BAM, it hits you. You're still in the same place you were in when you fell asleep. You can have good dreams but, when you wake up it's going to suck more because those great and beautiful dreams that made you feel amazing were not true. It was just a figment of your freaking imagination.

Plus, last night catalysed a whole lot of other things. I am very very angry with my self right now. Also there is a lot of old hatred waking up in me, directed at me. When will I ever learn. I'm always going to be screwing up, especially on the things that really matter. I can never be trusted with anything important because I will always and I so mean always end up making a mess of things. Maybe that's why no one wants to be with me because I drive everyone crazy, including myself. The anger monkey needs a banana.

*head hits desk*

I can't even be angry with myself without joking about it. I am such a freak. Maybe I should just go away. Start somewhere new. Somewhere fresh. Where no one knows who I am, what I've done, who I've been. I want a clean slate.

I'm tired. Well, today is a brand new day. Might as well start acting happy again. At least that will get me through the rest of the day, until I get home and get some much needed sleep.

Lotsa love, Jana

Labels: Lying broken in pieces, Olden days

by jana at 9:07 AM |