Thursday, April 06, 2006

Three is too many choices to make...

I'm sitting on my ass again and still thinking of what I should do. I don't know what I'm going to do, it's so hard to decide. Does this change anything? I hope not, but I still have this immense feeling somewhere deep inside of me, that it will and in fact it already has changed a lot of things. I don't know what I should do. Should I do the easiest thing and run away? Probably. What else is new? I've always been running away, why change now right?

Except this time, it affects other people besides me. Plus, if I run away, I'm gonna suffer the most. I'm just not up for suffering at the moment. I'm tired of running away from my problems. Well, maybe I can still run away, but not from this problem. What should I do? What should I say? How am I supposed to face up to this? I could always just say it's over, say that I don't want to be a part of this anymore. But that would hurt a lot for me and for a couple of other people who are part of this as well. Plus, I did give my word to stick with it.

I could always just stick with it as well. I mean, stand strong and all that whatever. Stick with what I started with in the first place. But the guilt is going to eat me alive. I can barely take it now, and it is just beginning. I can't imagine the overwhelming flood if guilt that is going to flow and drown me in tears. Which of course is never good.

So there are three options to take. One run away from the problem. Ignore it exists in the first place and pretend that things are alright. Two, I could end it and just wash my hands completely from this whole thing. Or three, stick with it. Who knows what the future could hold for all of us involved in all of this? Three things I could do.

Which one, which one? It's hard to think when you feel tides of depression overtaking you. Je, I need your hand to guide me and your strength to keep me standing after the pain that will eventually happen for the decisions that refuse to stop haunting me to this day.

On a lighter note, I've started collecting the nice and pretty hair pin/stick thing with pretty designs. I love them! I mean they're like earrings now, you know! They're so pretty. Since I've only started quite recently, I only have two at the moment, but I adore both the designs because they're so nice and pretty. One of them was blue and the design of a really pretty butterfly and the other one was purple and the designs was like clumped purple hearts together. They're so pretty. At least they're cheering me up. They're just so cute that I have to stop my depressive ranting and mention them! Yes, they're that cute and pretty!

Lotsa love, Jana

Labels: Lying broken in pieces, Olden days

by jana at 10:36 AM |