Thursday, May 25, 2006

The butt monkey is done being the monkey...

I was staring at the ceiling earlier today and I couldn't help but think.

Staring at ceilings usually have that affect on me you know. It stimulates my brain to work an extra mile. To stretch to its limit. Yes, staring at the ceiling made me think.

There was once a time when I would do anything to get everyone's approval. I would say anything, be anything just so someone would look at me and say, "Hey, Jana, you're the cool/sweet/funny/adorable/fun/blah-blah-blah."

Anything would have been great. I would crawl on the ground, hit myself in the face, bang into a wall, lie a thousand lies, just so someone would say, "Hey, Jana, you're such a weirdo. I sorta like you, can you lick my shoes so they'll be shiny while you're at it?"

But then I grew up. From willing to do anything to be accepted, to acting like I didn't care at all what anybody said. I no longer wanted people to think I was vulnerable. That they could break me with their words.

It's not that I grew stronger, I just pretended I did. Instead of crying in public, I cried in my room. Instead of being independent, I pretended to be, just so no one can hurt me. Or at least, no one will realize that they have hurt me.

From being their butt monkey, I became the thick-faced girl. Not much of a difference, I still shamed myself, so that people won't see the real me. The me that I've been trying to hide. At least this time, I actually became someone people can like and look up to. By pretending not care, I got the respect that I craved for.

But it all changed once again. With Je's help, I became someone that I can be proud of. I became someone that He can be proud of. Finally, I knew that no matter what I do, there is only one opinion that really matters to me and forever will matter to me.

Je's opinion of me is what I'm living for now.

And Je gave me the Guy. So, yeah it works. Got someone to love me.

Lotsa love, Jana



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