Sunday, June 04, 2006

My tears and mine alone...

Though it was just a small part of the night.

That one small significant part, I will never forget.

I remember waking up to the pain all over my body. I remember seeing an unfamiliar ceiling for the first time. I remember feeling sleepy because of the drugs, yet in too much pain to go back to sleep. I remember hearing the beeping of a machine right next to my bed. I remember the overwhelming loneliness that seemed to weigh down on me so much that I find it hard to breathe. I remember being wrapped in bandages that I felt like every single part of my skin was covered, yet I still felt cold.

That's the one I remember the most.

The cold.

It was freezing in that room. I wanted to cry out and tell someone, anyone to please stop the cold from making it's way through me. I opened my mouth but words failed me. Even if they did come out, no one was there to hear me anyway. No other human being was there with me.

Though only a door separated me from other human beings, we could have been worlds apart.

Years have passed, more or less ten years to be a little bit accurate, yet I still have nightmares from that first night in the hospital.

I was seven. I was a little girl.

It wasn't the fact that I got burnt that hurt me the most. It wasn't that I got scars that makes me feel insecure. It wasn't that which once made me the biggest ass-kisser-on-the-face-of-the-planet-or-at-least-on-the-face-of-the-country-of-Brunei.

It was that night. That night of total and complete loneliness. Of complete coldness.

I would do anything and everything to never, ever feel that way ever again.

I just woke up from a nightmare.

I was alone. I was cold. Tears that fell from my eyes froze because of the cold wind that blew in my face. No matter how much I screamed, no one could hear me. No matter how much I tried to keep warm, the bitter cold bit every part of my skin.

It was so dark that it was as if my eyes were closed, even though I felt like they were open. I ran here and there, screaming as I went. Begging for someone, anyone to shine a light on me.

I woke up with tears in my eyes. Unfrozen, yet very real.

As I remember that dream that used to haunt me, I can't help but get scared once more. What will happen to me in the future?

Will I be cold and lonely again?

Lotsa love, Jana



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