Monday, September 11, 2006

I love you, Lola...

I am not going to cry.

No. I'm gonna be strong for everyone. I'm going to laugh and joke around because if I cry, then what's that going to do to help anyone? Nothing.

I am going to ignore the fact that you hardly talk anymore. It was so long since I shared a proper conversation with you. You used to tell me wonderful stories about the past. The monsters you faced, the journey you had to go through, the house you once lived in, the movies and shows on tv that you watched.

I am not going to think about missing our talks.

I am going to forget the hours that I spent inside your room. Grinning and laughing, even during the nights where there was no electricity, because the-provider-of-electricity-in-Pampanga basically sucks. I didn't care how hot it was. You always made me forget about it anyway. My childhood in the Philippines spent with you was one of the things I can never forget.

Now there is no reason to go into your room no matter how cool it can get.

What's the point? You're not there.

I'm not even going to think about all those time I watched you playing cards by yourself. How you were just so content and patient to just play solitaire. I'm not even to remember that you were the first person who taught me how to play that game.

I can't even play cards by myself anymore because I miss you playing right beside me.

Or just watching me play.

I'm gonna pretend that what I am seeing, how you're deteriorating right in front of my eyes and how I can't seem to do anything about it. How everytime I see you lying in that hospital bed with all that stuff stuck in your arm. How you seem so different from the person that I grew up with. I'm gonna pretend that all those things... don't exist.

I'm gonna laugh and make a fool of myself. Joke around because I want to help.

Then I'm gonna cry by myself because I miss my Grandma.

Lotsa love, Jana



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