Monday, November 13, 2006

Obviously it sucks...

I'm sitting here with my bum on a chair and wondering what the heck am I doing in this country?

Yes. I'm going through severe homesick-ening-ness again.

It's just everywhere I look and-I-so-mean-everywhere-darn-it I see people smiling, having fun, laughing, deep in pleasing conversations, running around and here I am, slowly sinking into the lonely hole that I have inevitably found myself in.

It sucks big time.

Like a strong sucking vaccum.


It sucks.

I'm feeling very bitter about having to live on my own without my immediate family to annoy and without my closest friends to be childish with.

I never thought being independent would be such a hassle. Somebody bring me someone strong and totally overprotective to lean on right now.

I hate having to be strong for everyone. I hate pretending that everything is alright. That I'm not lonely. That I don't feel alone. That I don't want to fecking go home.

Or maybe just-fecking-die.

At least when you're dead, you don't have anyone pushing you around. You don't have people hurting you. Most of all when you're dead, you won't hurt anyone anymore. No more mistakes. No more tears. No more pain.

Unless you're going to hell.

Which also sucks.

But hey, I know I'm not going to hell.

Why? Cause Jesus-loves-me-this-I-know-for-the-Bible-tells-me-so-blah-blah. I'm sure of heaven cause of Jesus ok.

Though I will go to hell if I kill myself, so that option is like totally out of the question.

Dear God,

Please don't let me wake up tomorrow.

I want to be dead.

Please make it fast?


PS. Oh wait! Not yet! I still want to turn eighteen first.

Then you can kill me off.

Lotsa love, Jana

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