Sunday, April 23, 2006

Amazing what a couple of hours can mean...

Well, I'm so much happier today than I've been in a very long time. Haha, I know the last two entries have been really depressing on my side but hey, I'm ok now. Well I feel better now at least.

Sorry, I haven't been like posting for missing two days and stuff, but it's because I have not at all had the chance to go online. But I still blog about my life on my no-internet-access-laptop and upload it when I get the chance.

Now on to the day that I have missed...

Last Saturday, I had plans to go to YDM and I even woke up early especially for that. You know, getting ready and stuff. Taking an ealry shower and all that hooplah. After YDM I planned to go straight to the celebration service which was like walking distance to the YDM meeting place.

Anyways, as I was preparing to leave, me and my mom got into a humongous fight. As in one of our worst fights since. Well it's not as bad as the time when she pulled my hair (Don't worry, I deserved it. I was being really dumb and immature) but it was pretty bad.

Not really planning to reveal any thing else about the fight, because one, it's a family thing and I don't really want to talk about my family-things and two, I don't think anyone is interested about my family things.

Anyway, after the fight my mom decided, no I'm not going out anywhere tonight. I'm going to stay at home. I felt really horrible, so I went straight to my room and cried my heart out. Why? Because I felt like I was a useless screwup who couldn't anything right. On top of that, I was still sore about the-messing-up-the-transport-thing that happened the day before.

So all together, I kept cursing myself. I kept feeling like this useless piece of nothing that doesn't deserve to be trusted ever with anything.

Basically, I cried myself to sleep. Everytime I woke up, I cried and then I fell asleep again. Same thing over and over again, until dinner. I sat down and ate the dinner quietly and said nothing even though my dad and my brother were like joking around and stuff. When it was time to leave for the celebration service, my mom turned to me and indicated for me to get dressed.

I really didn't feel like going but I wasn't about to incur my mom's wrath on top of my head once more. So yeah, silently got dressed and the whole drive there, I was pretty quiet.

So anyway, during the singing, I suddenly started crying all over again. The feeling of uselessness started washing over me and the whole time I praying instead of singing. I was asking Je, "Are you sure that you want me to do what it is you trust me to do?" I mean, I keep screwing up things and I felt so bad.

After the singing was over and the announcements were up, I still was crying. Then Pastor Peter called me and Leonard up and started praying for us as we were about to leave the country soon for our studies. The whole time I was getting prayed for, I felt someone telling me, and I know it could only be my bestfriend, Je. He was saying "In your weakness, you will depend on Me. In Me, you will be strong. Just trust me. I'll take care of you, I promise."

After that, when we got back to our seats, we sang this malay song, and the only words that I understood was something about Jesus being my Dad. And whenever we sang that line, I cried. Because yeah, I was so touched. I mean, He is my Dad and my bestfriend.

So yeah, I felt like a big weight was lifted off of me. And I felt so much better.

The message that was being spoken over us was amazing. It was so cool and I loved it. It was like totally one of the most important messages that I can ever hear.

After that, was of course, refreshments!! Yay. Food.

Anyway, my youth leader, Ling walked over and hugged me. She said "You have such a sweet spirit, but don't ever let anyone take advantage of you. You are a Christian. You are the head and not the tail."

Of course, that was a great encouragement. And I went home feeling so much touched. It's amazing what a few hours can do. It really is great.

Lotsa love, Jana

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