Monday, May 08, 2006

Tears that I didn't cry...

I've cried for them again. I can't help it. Everytime I see how they've ruined their lives, my heart breaks. I can't help it. I love them. They're my family. They're my friends. They're people I care about. They're people that needs something, anything to make them realize that, hey, there's something bigger than anything they could ever imagine.

And that something could be their reason to be live.

There have been nights when I can't sleep because I feel so hurt because of them. Not because they're hurting me, but because they are hurting themselves and I can't do anything about it. Because they're driving themselves to destruction and all I can do is watch them. I've had nightmares after nightmares that woke me up in tears. All because I couldn't do anything to save them.

I've screamed so loud, I've screamed for their attention. But no matter how hard I scream. No matter how hard I cry out to them, they hear nothing. They choose not to listen to anything but the sound of their own tears, the sound of their own anger, the sound of their own pain, the sound of their own screams.

I've tried to ignore it. I've tried to forget about it. I've tried to put my head in a box and pretend that everything is fine and dandy, that everything and everyone around me is alright. I've tried. It didn't work.

I still see them. I still hear them. I still feel them.

Even though I close my eyes, I still see them searching for an answer. An answer that if they open their eyes to see long enough, if they open their ears to hear long enough, they would have found it.

I've told myself that you can only help someone so much and you can't do anything if they don't want to be helped at all. But it feels like I'm making up excuses for myself. Like I failed them. Maybe I did fail them.

Maybe I did.

Lotsa love, Jana

Labels: Lying broken in pieces, The Used To Be

by jana at 10:41 PM |