Random life...
So my life has pretty much slowed down to halt for the past few days.
I can't even make any exaggerations for my blog anymore. It's just so bland that any exaggerations of my life would appear so normal for people.
Every time I go online, I keep repeating the same routine over and over again. Like checking my e-mail, then going online on AIM Express, lack of my-own-computer prevent me from having the normal kind, reading up on gossip about celebrities whom I really don't give a crap about, chatting with the Guy for hours and hours on end.
Actually, pretty much the only highlight of my day is when I'm talking to the Guy. It actually feels really great just talking to him and listening to his voice. In April, it's gonna be a
one year relationship. Actually March we pretty much started, but it was in April that we became officially official.
With the Used-to-be, I think we broke the one year barrier, but not really because we were already fighting a lot then. It was like on and off and on and off again, like a twisted cycle of bunnies making baby bunnies and eating them and making them again and eating them again. Totally twisted if you ask me.
But you know... ever since the Used-to-be, caused by some twisted twist of fate and cosmo-ish imbalance, I've been getting some really weird attention from the male version of my species. I mean I know I ain't that pretty. I can blame mutation, radiation, uranium, freak accident, aquarium and accidentally falling into a vat of green glowing stuff, but it's not gonna change the fact that I'm still not-so-pretty compared to my peers swarming all around me.
Add my twisted sense of humor, my ever-lowering IQ, my fear of being-robbed-because-of-bulge-in-my-pants-which-shows-the-exact-location-of-my-wallet-and-phone and therefore resulting in dressing/acting/looking-like-a-guy-who-can-punch-your-face-off-even-though-I'd-probably-just-run for-dear-life-the minute-anyone-tries-to-make-a-grab-at-me-because-honestly-even-though-I-
carry-rusty-scissors-that-is-not-gonna-help-when-I'm-faced-against-a-freaking-gun!-except-they-considering-that-they-can-actually-shoot-me-when-I-start-to-run-so-either-way-I'm-still-dead, add all of that you get a not-so-pretty-girl who can't even act like a normal girl.
So why are a few guys suddenly getting this weird attraction thing going on with me? The Guy? The other upperclassman in my college? Another guy? I mean, did someone pour a vat of no-scent-love-potion on me or something?
I mean it's kinda cool you know, being liked in
that way, instead of always being the-girl-who-is-my-friend deal. But, man where were you guys when I was in highschool?
Sure could have used you then.
Yeesh.
But honestly speaking, though it's pretty cool, I kinda want it to stop. I'm not used to it and plus the only affection I want is from the Guy cause... well it's uncomfortable being liked by someone you don't feel anything for.
Oh my gosh!
I can't believe it, I, Jana, the dumpee-candidate of highschool, actually has the chance of dumping someone. I know this is twisted but man, how cool is that?!
Ok, not cool for the guy who is the dumpee and I'm always nice when I do it, considering I've only done it like three times my entire life.
Three times in less than one year?
How totally twisted is that?
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, The Guy, The Used To Be
Eighteen and a day old...
Dear the Guy
I still love you.
Dear the Used-to-be,I still think of you.
Dear Brunei,I still miss you.
Dear Philippines,I still find it hard to call you home.
Dear family,I still can't wait to be with you again.
Dear friends,I still can't find people quite like you.
Dear me,I still wish you were different.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Philip Of Pines, The Guy, The Used To Be
This post shouldn't even be existing...
*sigh*
Due to an unfortunate event (
computer fecking lags and in a great show of protest dies sputteringly on me when I upload pictures) I won't be able to give you pictures of my party yet.
Bladdy earthquake in Taiwan. This is all your bladdy fault!
Ever since you happened, it takes me ages and ages just to get on
Blogger.com and I'm lucky when I actually can even get into my account.
And and and!!
When I do find a decent Internet connection, the computer is a fecking retard!
Ugh.When I meet the non-existent personified versions of Bladdy-earthquake-in-Taiwan and Computer-is-fecking-retard, I'm gonna rip out their non-existent genitals and feed them to my non-existent rabid monkeys.
Instead of posting a bum-load of pictures, here I am wishing to rip the genitals of some non-existent male (
because women would never do this to their fellow women-kind except maybe those who has something against a certain women of the kind, like she stole the boyfriend or something, or maybe the type who is just a total "beach" and hates all living creatures but all she needs is some kind of loving to warm her ice-cold-heart) who decided to get in the way of my creativity.
One day I'm gonna have my own computer and that computer is gonna kick-assh. It's gonna have a really good internet connection and it's never
ever gonna die.
And then I'm gonna kick the non-existent personified version of Bladdy-earthquake-in-Taiwan and Computer-is-a-fecking-retard in their non-existent groins and watch them squirm and suffer.
Then I'm gonna say sorry and I'm gonna send them over to The Used-to-be and Dearest Abigail, so that they can terrorize those two too.
Because if they can't terrorize someone they'd lose all purpose in life and I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone you know.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, The Used To Be
Before the happy comes the angry...
Dear The Used-To-Be,
Screw you.
How dare you make me feel like I'm the only one at wrong here? How dare you make me hate myself even more? How dare you fecking make me feel like everything ended because of me?
I wasn't the one who pushed you away! I wasn't the one who wasn't satisfied with what we had! I wasn't the one who admitted that I wanted the other to move on! I wasn't the one who had another person who affects me more than you!
That was all you.
How dare you try to put all the blame on me?
You know what screw being nice. Screw trying to find closure with you because you know what everytime I try to do so, you have guts to shove it all in my face and open the scabs and make an even deeper wound than before.
Just because you were the first guy who made me feel good about being me; just because you were the first guy who can make me smile for days and days on end because of what you just said. It doesn't mean you had the fecking right to turn it all around and make me hate myself more than I did before I met you.
Well, you know what? Here's
the big middle finger flapping in your face.You used to make me smile. There were times I just talk to you and you can say the simplest things and I would smile. I'd smile because it was thoughtful, or funny, or caring.
Suddenly you started getting colder and colder. I try to get in but you keep pushing me out. You used to tell me things, now if I ask I'm accused as a nosy brat.
What happened?
You meant the world to me. I would have done anything, absolutely anything for you.
Maybe that's why you never really needed me in the first place. Because I was too fecking available for you, unlike her. Dearest too goodness Abigail whom you can never predict whether she likes you or not. Whether you guys are friends or barely talking.
Maybe I should have been like that with you, huh?
Maybe then you would have treated me more than just a personal lackey who comes at your beck and call.
See this middle finger? Well here it goes,
flapping in your face again.You know what else?! You can die for all I care. I shared the gospel with you already, and it's your fault whether you want to believe in it or not. I don't care.
Alright, I do care. Maybe just a little, but that doesn't mean anything ok?
So maybe I'll pray that someone out there might actually make a successful attempt at saving your soul before you die, but that doesn't mean it's gonna be me.
Because I want to have nothing to do with you.
I hate you.
For the first time in my entire life, you made me hate someone.
[Insert The Used-To-Be's full name], I fecking hate you and I never ever want to see you again. I never want to have anything to do with you. I hate your guts and I hope you and dearest Abigail, who may I say is so bipolar that you'd definitely suit each other anyway, have a happy unpredictable miserable life together.
It's too bad you're never gonna read this because you see, you're ex-girlfriend, if you can even call her that, is nothing but scared insecure girl, which may I just point out
you helped me become like this.You weren't satisfied with just dumping me the moment you got whatever it is you wanted from me, you had to mess with my mind. Crush my already shattered self-esteem and make me feel lower than I ever could. No, you weren't satisfied with just leaving me when I needed you the most, you had to blame it all on me. No, no, none of this is your fault. It's all me.
Well, fuck you.- Jana
Labels: Lying broken in pieces, The Used To Be
Rain outside, tears inside...
It's raining.
I'm hugging my legs on my bed.
The lights are off and my tears won't stop falling.
My mind is blank as I watch drops of rain on my window devouring one another until it becomes to heavy and splashes to it's demise at the very edge of said window.
"Haha, they're playing a deadly game of tag."
It was my first coherent thought and then I started crying again.
Then streams of thoughts entered my mind. This time, they made better sense than the blurred and shattered pictures I keep getting.
They were words.
I can't believe you made me cry again.
You're such a jerk.
But it's my fault in the first place. I was the one who let you back in. I
was the one who believed in you again. I was the one who started it all
again.
Get the feck away from me.
Before I bash your face in.Then I stopped thinking all together and decided to stand up. I left my room and sat outside, letting the hard rain soak me through and through.
Hey at least nobody would notice the difference between the hot tears and the cold rain drops right?
They look the same anyway.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lying broken in pieces, The Used To Be
Then she said "ah well"...
The Guy is going to get his wisdom teeth removed tomorrow.
I don't know why, but I'm kind of scared for him. Surgery of any kind, if it's on me, I can take it. And hey I have done it before. But, surgery for someone else, freaks me out. I keep getting all this weird, horrific ideas that scares the heck out of me. Like somehow he would bleed to death because of the wound in his mouth.
Of course, I did not mention this to Guy. I don't want him to start freaking out... Ok, ok, I didn't want him to think that I'm a freak who sees her guy bleeding to death through the mouth.
It's just freak ok?!
Well the Used To Be still refuses to talk in a civil manner to me.
Or he doesn't bother talking at all. Well looks like the first initiation of a conversation isn't going to be happening in a while. Maybe I should wait for a couple of months... or maybe another year before that happens again.
Ah well.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, The Guy, The Used To Be
The weirdness of love...
So this weekend has been interesting.
From now on, I shall refer to the guy who I once was so head over heels in love with, but somehow that relationship ended up really hurting me. He shall be referred to as the Used To Be. Reasons? Because I used to be so in love with the guy and two, I was listening the band called The Used when I was thinking up of the nickname.
Anyway, on to the interesting things.
The Guy and I are well doing good. I mean, things are going great on us. He is sweet and he treats me right. He is even willing to let me choose our song. Which is really sweet. Also! My mom knows about him and she likes him. So basically, things with the Guy is going very good.
The Used To Be talked to me yesterday. For the first time since we first talked, he initiated the conversation. Those who know the Used To Be, that is a very rare incident, close to a miracle. All the time we were together, and that was more or less a year, he only did that three times.
First was when he first expressed interest in me.
Second was when he told me about a song he heard that reminded him of my nickname.
Third was now.
What did he say?
[The Used To Be = "utb"] [Me = "me"]
utb: Do you believe I still love you?
me: ... Well you haven't said that in a while... so I thought maybe... you didn't.
utb: I thought that isn't something just friends tell each other.
me: ... do you?
utb: I do.
me: ... you still love me.
utb: Very much so.
That well... shocked me very much. It was such a shocking news. It shocked me.
I was shocked.
Anyway, I'm kind of confused at the moment. Not because I don't know who to choose, but because I don't know how to tell the Used To Be, that I moved on.
I mean, two to three months ago, I would have totally appreciated that. I would have jumped at the opportunity to run back to him. But, I can't. I love someone else. I love the Guy. I haven't told the Used To Be yet, but I will when I have the chance. It's better if we just stay friends now.
Not because I have the Guy now. No, but because, there is just so much baggage between me and the Used To Be, that we can't get back into any relationship at all. I moved on.
I love the him, he was the first person I gave my heart to and I'll never stop loving him. That's the truth, but I can't be with him. I moved on.
On a lighter note, I went to church today and oh my gosh. I met my old, long long ago, classmate... and according to my mom, my childhood sweetheart.
By that I mean, CHILDhood. We were kids and we were close, then I moved to Brunei. I cannot believe I saw Mr. Miranda again. After all this years... I saw him again.
I even have a picture of the guy and me holding hands.
I was seven the last time I saw him.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Love at its janajee-est, The Guy, The Used To Be
The things that people do...
There was once a girl who decided that she wanted someone who would keep her heart. Who would take care of it, as if it was his own. She saw many people willing to take care of each other's hearts and she wanted that with someone too.
So she went around, advertising her heart. She showed it to everyone, whether they were interested or not. She did everything she could so that someone would be interested in holding on to her heart.
She tried being the willing to do anything type. But everyone she turned to just wanted to use her. Her trust was abused each and every time. They took her heart and trampled it to the ground.
She tried being the independent girl. Maybe if she gave off vibes that said, don't take care of me. Maybe, just maybe someone out there would consider it as a challenge to take care of her.
But every time someone took on the challenge, she would revert back to her willing to do anything persona. Her trust was abused each and every time. They also took her heart and trampled it to the ground.
She thought maybe it's time to make people actually like her. She decided to be funny. To be friendly. She found her friends. She met great people. Yet, no one was interested in taking care of her heart. No they were only interested in her friendship.
Her heart it seemed was too much of a bother for anyone to take care of. No, they were not interested in her heart.
Then she met someone. He seemed interested in taking care of her heart. Cautiously, she approached him.
"Will you take care of my heart?"
He looked down and saw her holding out her precious heart, that has suffered so many bruises from being trampled to the ground.
"Sure," he said. "I'll take care of your heart."
She asked if she could take care of his heart. He shook his head. He said, he has been hurt too much. Give him time he said and he'll give it to her when he was ready.
Weeks, months, until a year later. He still wasn't ready to share his heart to her.
It turns out, he only took her heart because it looked a whole lot like the heart of someone else. It looked like the heart of the one person whom he once gave his own heart to. The girl who trampled his heart to the ground. This girl was the only one he wanted to share his heart to.
By the end of the relationship, the heart of our protagonist, ended up being trampled to the ground once again.
"I don't want this anymore. I don't!"
On the floor, her tears overflowed. The only guy who took her heart and promised to take care of her, threw it away. He threw it away like a peace of meat that no longer served whatever purpose he once had for it.
No more. She kept her heart hidden from plain view. Smiling on the outside, yet growing cold on the inside. Nobody is going to take care of her heart, she told herself. No one.
She might as well get used to it.
Then, a guy walks by. Showing his heart to the world. He wanted his heart to be taken care of. She scoffed at him. Then she noticed that his heart was much more torn. Much more bruised.
Interested, she walked up to him.
"Why are you offering your heart around? Shouldn't you be used to the fact that no one wants it anymore? Don't you want to stop hurting?"
"Because I know somewhere out there, someone will take care of my heart. So no matter how bruised and broken it is, I know, that she will heal it."
She felt a soft tug inside her. She looked inside her, at her heart that she thought was too cold to be given to anyone anymore. It grew warm and she thought, maybe, she too would give it a shot. Maybe once more would do the trick.
"Would you take care of my heart?" She asked once again.
"Only if you take care of mine." He replied.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Love at its janajee-est, The Guy, The Used To Be
Not like you'll be reading this...
Once again, I'm thinking of you.
I stand back, this time and watch you fall. Instead of coming to your rescue, I try to walk away, but I don't go anywhere. I stand there and just watch you fall. I want to run to you and help you up, but I know that when I do I, in turn, will get hurt.
I will fall.
I know I should listen to them. I should just turn away and continue walking in a different direction. I should open my eyes, they say, to the fact that you don't need me. That you never needed me anyway. You never needed me at all.
It's not as if I still love you. It's not as if I'm not over you. I'm with someone else now and I'm very happy with him. But everytime I think about you.
It hurts.
The fact that hurts most is that, you said I was your everything, but you had no trouble walking away from me. You had no trouble turning your back on your-so-called-everything. You didn't even look back.
But when she left you. When she left you, you cried and you broke down. When we were together you said she was just a friend. Yet she made more impact with you than I ever could.
I don't love you now, but I did love you. One time in my life, you meant the world to me.
What was I to you? Chopped liver? That you can just throw me out of your life and you can turn away without giving a care? What?
Why do I even bother to help you? It's not as if you ever let me in, even when we were together, you never let me in your life.
Come to think of it, I was never your everything. She was. I just happened to be around to cover for her. Tell me, did you think about her when you were talking to me? Well, did you?
I wish I can say it serves you right that she left you. I wish I can say that's what you get for hurting me like you did. I wish I could do that. But I can't because I don't hate you. I don't. I still want to be a part of your life.
Yet, I know I can't. So from now on, please stay away from me. You've hurt me more than you could possibly imagine.
Though in fairness to her, she's very pretty. I understand why you want her. I never stood a chance against her.
Not even a little bit.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lying broken in pieces, The Used To Be
Tears that I didn't cry...
I've cried for them again. I can't help it. Everytime I see how they've ruined their lives, my heart breaks. I can't help it. I love them. They're my family. They're my friends. They're people I care about. They're people that needs something, anything to make them realize that, hey, there's something bigger than anything they could ever imagine.
And that something could be their reason to be live.
There have been nights when I can't sleep because I feel so hurt because of them. Not because they're hurting me, but because they are hurting themselves and I can't do anything about it. Because they're driving themselves to destruction and all I can do is watch them. I've had nightmares after nightmares that woke me up in tears. All because I couldn't do anything to save them.
I've screamed so loud, I've screamed for their attention. But no matter how hard I scream. No matter how hard I cry out to them, they hear nothing. They choose not to listen to anything but the sound of their own tears, the sound of their own anger, the sound of their own pain, the sound of their own screams.
I've tried to ignore it. I've tried to forget about it. I've tried to put my head in a box and pretend that everything is fine and dandy, that everything and everyone around me is alright. I've tried. It didn't work.
I still see them. I still hear them. I still feel them.
Even though I close my eyes, I still see them searching for an answer. An answer that if they open their eyes to see long enough, if they open their ears to hear long enough, they would have found it.
I've told myself that you can only help someone so much and you can't do anything if they don't want to be helped at all. But it feels like I'm making up excuses for myself. Like I failed them. Maybe I did fail them.
Maybe I did.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lying broken in pieces, The Used To Be
