Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Waiting for Barney to appear...A letter to those who care.
It's been a while since I've gotten into this very deep and pensive mood. I mean all of my previous entries have been either just a plain update or corn-induced-hyperness. Well, now I want to stop sounding like a moron and sound smart, if only for a short while.
I'm sitting in front of the computer for at least an hour plus now and I want to type something, anything that comes into my mind. I keep coming up with you, over and over, but I always push it away into the back of my mind.
I've tried coming up with sentences that I can put together that would make me laugh or even make me cry. Or at least feel like it. I wanted to come up with words put together that would be worth to read over and over. Words that everyone would think about after they read it. But no sentence come besides those that has to do with you.
I wanted to talk about topics that might make a difference in other people's lives as they read it. Topics that would touch a person. Topics that would reach out and just squeeze someone's heart, or maybe even their funny bone. Certainly topics about you wouldn't do that. Topics about you affected only me.
After repeated typing and deletion, I kept coming up with a blank. Well not really a blank. I still had you in the back of my mind. And in front. And basically everywhere in my brain. So I gave up my stubborness and decided, why not?
This is my blog after all. If I wanted to talk about a mammal dying in my room, I'll do it. If I wanted to talk about my achievement of reaching two months without losing the feeling of update, I'll do it. If I wanted to talk about a change of e-mails, I'll do it. The readers of my blog will get just what I feel like talking about.
They don't like me talking about you? Tough. I'm going to talk about you.
I'm going to talk about how even though we don't see each other, you're always a part of my day. How you're always on my mind. How sometimes I stay up and wonder what you're doing. How just after I woke up, you would just be one of the few things I think first.
There are stuff that makes me afraid. I'm afraid that one day, you'll wake up and hey, you'll realize that I'm not the one you want after all. It has happened before to me. It can happen again. I'm afraid. What's worse, I'm afraid that'll happen to me.
To hurt someone I care about. That's something I fear almost as much as being alone. Maybe even more.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a movie or in a show where everything that happens doesn't usually happen to normal people, on a normal day. Actually it's more like a dream and I fear that one day, I'll wake up and I realize that everything never happened.
Except this dream feels real. Except if I wake up from this dream, I know I'm gonna cry. If this really was a dream, as the old cliche goes, I'd never want to wake up.
Plus, I always have Barney the Purple dinosaur in my dreams. Don't ask. He's just always in there.
I guess I'll just wait to see what the future will bring when it comes to us. Or I can wait until wake up and see that we never existed.
Lotsa love, Jana