Hey, I'm Actually Still Alive
When I was leaving for Korea, I had this feeling.
It's a feeling that's hard to describe in one word, so let me try a couple of run-on sentences. I felt like I was happy, so very happy, so very excited, like I couldn't possibly be flying to Korea now could I? Like is this really happening, like is this for real because this cannot be for real, because not once in my life have I ever thought I would fly to somewhere so far away, where I would be able to experience things that I have never experienced before, and everything is so new and pretty, and PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES. But at the same time, there's also this extreme sadness in my heart. Like am I really leaving everything I ever knew behind for a long time, is this really happening, is this really going to last for three years, and can I just get off the plane now? Can't I just go home now?
It's a mixture of heightened expectations of new experiences and a depression so deep that I didn't know my heart could reach that far.
I went on this new journey because I wanted to see who I was, who I truly was, when I was stripped away from everything that was ever used to define me. I was excited to learn new things, experience new things, build new friendships, and just have a wonderful time discovering who I am.
But then, there's this sadness of everything I have left behind. It's like my friends are purposely deciding to get married, graduate, have babies, etc. on the days I won't be there with them. And it sucks, because I want to be there. I want to see them.
More than even that is my family.
See, unlike a lot of teenagers and young adults I have met online, I'm actually really close with my family. I tell my mother everything, including things I probably shouldn't be sharing on a regular basis. If I suddenly disappear and you need to find me but NO ONE knows how to, you can ask my mother. Though I doubt she'll tell you. My brother is my best friend, and we agree on everything. Do you have this ginormous crush on my personality, but can't have me because I'm already taken? Here, have my brother, it's like having me, but as a guy. And my father? He is my king. He is kind and loving, and caring, and rules with an iron fist of love. He is goofy and quiet all the same time. He is mystery wrapped in enigma. He is my father.
And I love them so much.
And I miss them so much.
And even then there's my Turtle. The love of my life, and my partner-in-crime. He is my opposite in every way, so we mesh in every possible way as well. He is the silent type and I am so loud I can speak your ears off. He is the strong foundation, and I'm the... well maybe I'm the curtains in the window that blows flimsily, every which way. He grounds me, and I make sure he has adventures every now and then.
And can I just go home now?
But I know I can't. I know that there was a reason I left. I wanted to learn to become independent. To be on my own and to be strong enough. I wanted to learn to be complete on my own and to know what it's like to only rely on myself (and God of course, duh). And yeah it's hard. Is anything worthy ever really easy?
So I'm going to suck it in, and push forward.
It is just the third day after all, and I'm probably going to enjoy as much as I possibly can. In the end, three years will be over, and I'll come home permanently.
Till then, I can't wait.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est
Opinions on Shamcey Supsup, Amongst Other Things Which Are Kind of Important Too.
I love her answer.
I also expected third place.
I still wouldn't want to change her answer.
We're living in a world where expressing your individuality warrants getting crushed. Where believing strongly in one thing and not the other forces people to ostracize you. Especially when it comes to religion. The popular notion is that all roads lead to heaven, and express anything otherwise is to earn the scorn of your peers. "How dare you think that yours is the only way? How dare you consider your religion superior than mine? Why can't my way be the way too?"
Why do you think Christianity is hated so much by the world? It's because of its claims to be the only way. The only path to salvation. That's why people can't stand it. It's no wonder really why she got third place. (Sidebar: Muslims claim it too, but people usually don't say much out of fear. Even though most Muslims that I know are lovely people, the overwhelming notion of other people who do not know them equate them to scary monsters - all untrue of course). But that's what Christianity is, it's exclusive.
That's what Christianity is all about, being the only way, the only path to salvation. That's why if you choose to be a Christian, you better be in it for the long haul. Because even though it has great rewards in the end, the path that you chose isn't going to be easy.
When Shamcey said those words, I whooped inside because I wouldn't have answered any differently. But at least let me try my hand at it? Ahem, ahem.
Miss Macabali, would you change your religious beliefs to marry the man you love? Why or why not?
No, I would not change them because even though I can love a man who does not share my religious beliefs, I could never be with him because he does not love my God. I would rather choose to be alone than to be with someone who cannot share my passion for my God, for my Christ, for my Savior. My faith is an integral part of who I am, and if he does not share my faith then he cannot have me at all, at least not in that way. We're still good when it comes to remaining as friends though.
(Sidebar: Miss Macabali as a Miss Universe contestant? Stop dreaming Jana, dearest. It's never gonna happen. Ever.)
You want to be a Christian? Then you got to be willing to pay the price. It's not about being rich, or being satisfied in this world. It's about being presented with a choice: this world or Christ. This path that the world gives, or the path where Christ saves.
I chose my Christ, and I've never once regretted it.
Labels: Je, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est
Greetings to All
I'd like to take this opportunity, in between spoonfuls of food and bonding time with my brother and all the movies I've accumulated through the years, and say Merry Christmas to some very special people in my life.
To my batchmates, Aletheia:
I love you guys. We've been through so many crap together that we actually have no choice but to get close to one another. You made my stay here in the Philippines so much more meaningful, and my stay at the College more than bearable.
To the people over the seas:
My unnies, my Bruneian buddies, my RP pals, my Canadian brothers, and this one British dude who I love with all my heart. It's hard to see you guys, like literally, but you've become people that even though miles away I can trust to be with me when I'm depressed and down and out. So thank you for that.
To my partners-in-crime:
To Jam, Nadie, Paola, Carla, Keiti, So Yummy, Friend Ko and Baks. You know everything there is to know about me, and you know with just one look whether I'm happy or not. It's been proven over and over again, that even though we stop speaking for longest period of time, we can still talk nonstop about anything under the sun. You guys are my sisters and my... well sisters (I'm kidding, Baks), not in the flesh, but every bit the spirit of it.
To my family:
To my Dad, my Mom and my brother, you guys are the best. The best group of people that I was blessed to spend most of my life with. You guys are awesome. I'm thankful for every single bit of good thing about me, and my personality, because every single bit of it comes from you guys.
To my boyfriend:
Heehee. Aww, you know I still can't believe that we're together, right? I'm so blessed to have you. You know you're lucky to have me, right? *wink* hehehehehe. I'm kidding, but joking aside I'm so thankful that you're willing to take me as I am, with all of my shortcomings and all of my mistakes.
To the most awesome Person ever:
Jesus Christ. Happy Birthday. Thanks for saving me and choosing me to be Yours. Thanks for coming down and though Your stay here wasn't that much fun, I know You loved it and it was worth it for You. With all of my heart, I love You.
Merry Christmas!!!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est
Knight and Prince
Warning: This will be cheesy.
Every Sunday we see each other.
Even though I ought to be used to it by now, I still miss you every time Sunday ends, and from Monday to Saturday, I look forward to seeing your smile at seeing me walking down those steps. I don't know if you notice but I pretend that I'm not looking at you as I walk down, so that you won't feel awkward because your smile is as cheesy, as cheesy can be. It feels nice to know that someone is looking forward to you arriving so much that his face literally brightens when he sees you.
This Sunday, though, you were late. I was surprised because I was the one that was usually about ten to fifteen minutes late, and this time I was around thirty minutes late. In my head I was already preparing all the different ways I was going to apologize, but when I came down those steps, you weren't there.
I waited for five minutes, and you came running. I'm sorry to say this, and quite ashamed about it too, but I pretended to be really annoyed with you. In my head I was thinking what if I came early, and I waited for about... thirty-five minutes? But good thing, I didn't drag it too much. Plus you were sweet on the bus, baby you were giggling with me, that I just had to smile.
We ate dinner at a nearby McDonalds.
Call it creepy, but every time I took a spoon (forkful?) of spaghetti into my mouth, I took tiny glimpses of you. After three years, seven months and twenty-three days, I still could no believe that we're together. I still can't believe that looking at you still makes me smile, and that you looking at me and smiling still makes agitated butterflies in my stomach.
Darling, you are apparently still my prince.
My knight in shining armor.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
Where I Dream About Falcons and Dinosaurs
I woke up from a good nightmare today.
It had felt so real that the moment I woke up, I thought about it, and I cried about it for a little while. It was lame, and emotional, and blame it on the monthly visitor of blood, so yeah I cried about a stupid dream.
In my dream that was so real like, I'm in this loving relationship with my significant other, the Turtle. He was a falcon god (because nothing is more real than the love of your life turning into a bird every now and then, flying off to do important missions for the greater good of mankind). And we were happy.
But then I met a friend's brother. He was cute, and he was funny, and he made me smile all the time. In fact whenever my falcon god would fly away on his mission, he would always be there to accompany me. Always be there to make me feel awesome, when I missed the Turtle.
Soon enough, I felt myself falling for this friend's brother (who, for the life of me, I can't remember how he looked like, and even whose friend's brother he was supposed to be. All that was clear was that he had a slightly cute goatee). At a sleep over he pecked me on the cheek and told me he loved me.
Then a unlikely mailman came (well hello, Barney the Purple Dinosaur from my imagination, I should have realized I was dreaming when I saw you deliver that letter), with a letter shaped like a falcon, don't ask how, it was just falcon shaped. The letter only had four words:
"I love you more."
But the dream me knew that I loved someone else. It was no longer the falcon god. It was my friend's brother. And we, lamely, walked toward the sunset walking hands, while a falcon lay on the road behind us, crying in pain because of a broken heart.
I woke up.
And I thought about it.
I felt good during the dream.
But I felt good for all the wrong reasons.
I cried, mostly because I'm hormonally unhinged during the first two days of my monthly visitor, but partly because I hated my dream self for feeling good at cheating on the one person I love. I thought could this be possible? Would I ever actually do this to him? I hated the very thought of it.
As I cried, he called me.
Not the friend's brother, my falcon god called me, but this time he was just my normal significant other. And he proceeded to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh till my tears were no longer there and all I felt was contentment. No friend's brother could ever give me the kind of love my falcon god could give.
Any good dream that ends with me hurting my falcon god is never a dream worth repeating. It is nothing but a nightmare worth forgetting.
I love you my falcon god.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
The One With a lot of Entries
It's been a while.
I have so much to tell you, pumpkin pies, that it is just so unbelievable that I haven't said anything yet. Okay, actually it is believable since I have no stable internet connection since the vacation started, but let me make up for it by boring you with entries, upon entries of boring updates about me, yay!
Boring Entry #1
A.K.A. The One Where I Talk About a Happy Valentine's Date with the Turtle!
Or rather just show it to you with two pictures:
This was what we looked like four years ago during Valentine's day. We weren't dating then, but he and I already had... this weird thing for each other, and besides I couldn't find a picture of what we looked like during the Valentine's we were together... except for you know... this year:
Yeah I know we gained a ton of weight, and we've changed a whole lot since then, but one thing remains the same, and I know it will never change:
You will always be my valentine.
Boring Entry #2
A.K.A. The One Where I Talk About My Much Awaited and Much Postponed Anniversary Date with the Turtle!
It's been exactly three years, and sixteen days, since he first told me he loved me and I realized I couldn't possibly love anyone else.
Okay, so the anniversary had to be postponed because we were at the College then, and it was the year end week filled with year end activities, therefore we couldn't really date or anything.
Anyway, on our date, he bought me this really nice silver necklace with a tiny cross for a pendant, and it was gorgeous. I bought him a pair of shorts. Personally, I think he got the short end of the stick, but seriously he really liked the pair of shorts that I got him, and I was like oookaaay, if that's what you really want.
We're both happy, and though he didn't cook for me this year, we had a blast on our late third anniversary date.
I love him just as much I did three years ago, maybe even more; true story.
Boring Entry #3
A.K.A. The One Where I Don't Mention the Turtle in Any Other Sentence Besides This!
I got this sweet new Vaio Netbook:
If it was ever possible to be in love with a gadget, I would propose and elope with this baby in a land far, far away. It is gorgeous in pictures and it is just as gorgeous when you're cradling it on your own palms.
Her name is Princess Vaiola; once again, true story.
Boring Entry #4
A.K.A. The One Where I Try Really Hard Not To Talk About the Turtle Again, and Fail!
Dude!
I am like so unbelievably excited for our 3 week trip to Brunei, where I spend said three weeks, with family, old Brunei friends and (especially happy about this one) the Turtle!
Three whole weeks!
It's the first time we get to travel abroad together, it's his first time to ever get to ride a plane, and it's the first time I get to spend three whole weeks together with him!
Can you feel me bursting with joy and energy here?
...
And that's all folks!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est, Olden days, Schoolingness
Valentine Every Day
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Two days late, but happy hearts day to all!
Last year, I spent my Valentine's day with the Turtle, the first time ever I've spent with anyone. This year, we didn't get to meet because it just happened to have coincided on the day we were both busy on both ends of the Philippines, where meeting is impossible.
I could say I felt depressed, but I didn't.
He called me at 7 A.M. in the morning, and made sure I was side awake to hear him greet me, several times if I might add, happy valentines so that I won't forget and be angry with him for not greeting me.
The whole day was spent sending text messages filled with I love you's and I miss you's and what are you doing now and how you doing and all of that. I thought that he was being like this just because it's a special day, and I thought that was really sweet.
But then I realized something else.
He was like this, every single day, all the time. How could I only find it special on Valentines day? How could I? SRSLY? He treated every single day as Valentines day, and not in the excuse form of not treating me special, but in the great form of treating me special every single day.
That's why even though today is no longer Valentines day, I just want to say that I would love it if I could be your Valentines day, every single day of our lives together.
You never have to ask because the answer's always going to be yes.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
Thank You
"I would like to thank the Administration for this opportunity that they gave me to speak in the chapel in front of all of you..."
He isn't going to say it.
"Sir Tony, for always guiding me, and teaching me, and for being a good pastor..."
I tell myself to not expect anything at all.
"To my batch-mates, you guys are the best. Thanks for always being there for me. I know all of you guys so well already."
Of course, he has to play safe. He really can't expose himself like this. You can't expect him to be really sweet when he's only expressive when he's with you.
Don't expect.
"Russel, thank you for the shirt. James, thanks for the shoes and the pants,"
He really isn't going to say anything about me, isn't he? Not a single word about me. I should have expected it, but why does it--
"Of course. Thank you Jana,"
Applause.
There's the loud applause, and everyone is looking at me, and cheering at me. And I look up at him, and he's smiling at me. He didn't get to say much, because everyone was so loud with their cheers, and I think he was too shy to continue.
He thanked me, not with words, but with his smile. His smiled as if he was thanking me for making him smile all of the three years we were together. He thanked me, not with words, but with how he looked at me. He looked at me, as if he didn't want to look anywhere else.
Now you may say that how am I getting all of these from a single look and a single smile. And I guess all I can say is that, you'll know it when you see it, and at that moment I saw it.
He thanked with a smile and a look and it was enough.
"Thanks, Jana"
You are very welcome.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
It Was A Journey
A journey home.
Sometimes it takes years, sometimes just days, sometimes even hours, but if you're like me, a journey back home will always be hard if what you left behind are filled with broken promises and painful tears.
The first time I found home, I was ugly, broken, bitter, angry and in tears. I wasn't even really a child of that home to begin with. I didn't expect to be welcomed because honestly, if an ugly and dirty child matched with a crappy personality came up to you, it's going to be pretty hard to welcome her into a perfectly clean world. But He did. He welcomed me to His home, and He told me that it could be my home.
The first time I came home, I didn't think I'd have the gall to leave again. How could I leave and spit upon the kind Father who took me in? How could I slap in the face and say I needed something else?
But I did leave.
I left, and like a disobedient adopted daughter, I wasted away my life once more. What He made clean, I sullied and I dirtied. I spat upon Him, over and over again. Every single time I promised that I would come back, only to be tempted away again to my vices.
I left behind a broken promise.
How could I come back? How could I look upon His face again? How could I? After all those times, how could I even have the courage to come back? It was impossible, unthinkable. My sins were too big.
"My daughter I will always welcome you home,"
That's what He said when I finally had the courage to come back home. I thought He'd shout a little bit, or make me stand outside the rain. But He did none of that. He just looked me in the eye and said that He would always welcome me home.
Always.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Je, Love at its janajee-est
Shine
Note: I didn't write this, but I sure as heck wish I did.
Dull as dirt, you can't assert the kind of light that might persuade a strict dictator to retire. Fire the army; teach the poor origami. The truth is in, the proof is when, your heart starts asking: "What's my motivation?"
And try as you may, there isn't a way to explain the kind of change that would make an Eskimo renounce fur; that would make a vegetarian barbecue hamster (no hamsters were hurt at production of these words). Unless you can trace this about-face to a certain sign:
Shine, make 'em wonder what you got. Make 'em wish that they were not, on the outside looking bored. Shine, let it shine before all men. Let 'em see good works and then, let 'em glorify the Lord.
Out of the shaker, onto the plate. It isn't Karma, it sure ain't fate, that would make a Deadhead sell his van, that would make a schizophrenic turn in his crayons. Oprah freaks, and science seeks a rationale that shall excuse
this strange behavior.
When you let it shine, you will inspire the kind of entire turnaround that would make a bouncer take ballet (even bouncers who aren't happy) but out of the glare with nowhere to turn, you ain't gonna learn it on "What's My Line?"
Shine, make 'em wonder what you got. Make 'em wish that they were not, on the outside looking bored. Shine, let it shine before all men. Let 'em see good works and then, let 'em glorify the Lord.
This little light of mine: I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
By: Newsboys with special participation of Veggie Tales.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Je, Love at its janajee-est
A Not So Simple Way To Say I Love You
Simple.
What is it about that word really? Isn't it ironic that I find something really special about the very word which when employed aims to deny the very special thing about anything?
Simply.
As in by itself, nothing spectacular. Nothing worth noting about. And yet it can be paired with words like amazing, wonderful, girnormous, and the person listening doesn't seem to mind the contradiction in the match up.
Simplicity.
Maybe the word isn't so... well, so simple after all, so to speak. Maybe it was originally used in that manner to explain the ordinary and useless matters of the world, till time got a hold of it and altered it to become what it is today. No matter the reason, simple, simply, and simplicity no longer convey the ordinary.
There is nothing ordinary in a simple love. There is absolutely nothing ordinary in the way a night can turn from just a night to suddenly becoming simply amazing. The simplicity of you and me, is a matter that only the special beating of the heart can understand.
It's simple really: I simply love the simplicity of us.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
Just Wanted To Say
Once upon a time a girl met a boy.The girl thought this boy seemed really nice, and he seemed really friendly too. As time passed, boy and girl started spending time together. Soon enough the girl soon started falling for the boy, and each day is categorized happy depending on whether she saw boy or not, with ecstatic if boy smiled at her.
When boy told girl that he loved her, girl got really scared.
Did boy tell girl he loved her because he found out that she liked him? Did boy really fall in love with girl because he truly loved her or because he decided that since he probably wanted a girl, girl would have to suffice? Consequently will boy love girl forever or would he leave her the moment some better girl comes along?
But what girl didn't know, and only realized until much much later, was that boy had always been looking at her from afar. Boy saw girl first, and boy made sure she would see him too.
And see she did.
She saw, and she fell in love.
HAPPY 28th BIRTHDAY!
To the Boy who loved me first
From the Girl who'll always love you back.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
The Day Before Christmas
Things I did on the day before Christmas:
1. Waited for about an hour outside a mall for my late date (tsk, tsk, it's alright baby, I forgive you already) to show up. It gave me time to snap some pictures while waiting.
Also it gave me time to write in our journal, which we decide about a couple of weeks ago to own and to write in alternately so that I won't miss him as much, and he'll some way of telling me that I'm being crazy without me blowing up at him for calling me crazy, even though at that moment in time, I really was, you know, crazy. It works: I read it when I miss him, and he no longer loses his voice due to continually pacifying me.
2. Date, date, date, date! We just walked around the mall the whole time, ate some cheap food so that we both could afford the gift that we would be buying for each other on that day as our Christmas gift!
I bought him this Converse T-Shirt because I remember whenever we went to a mall or a department store somewhere, he would make a bee-line to the place where they had the shoes and he would stare longingly at a bunch of Converse shoes, and I knew that he always wanted one of those. So I thought that maybe this Christmas I could get him one. Unfortunately, I realized that I had not saved enough because I sincerely thought that I would be able to afford it with my measly 1 thousand pesos. To my sincere shock, it was 2 thousand plus pesos. So in an effort to be funny, and still buy him something converse-y I bought him this:
He on the other hand bought me the best handbag in the entire world, partly because he's the best significant other in the entire world, and partly because th bag is so soft and cuddly and I think this is the first time I ever fell in love with a pretty bag.
3. Then we (me, my brother, and two others) went to a professor of mine's house to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning with them. We ate some heavy food and spent time with their kids, who are so adorable, like seriously seriously adorable.
4. And now I'm sitting here blogging all about it, and waiting for Christmas to come so that I can text my parents how much I miss them and how I wish I was spending Christmas with them. I want to reassure them that, yeah me and my brother are doing okay here in the Philip of Pines. It's not so bad, and that they shouldn't worry about us. I miss them with all my heart and my Christmas Wish this year is that they would have the best of time, and that even though we're far away, we'll still actually be more together than any other family in the world. I'll love you, Mom, Dad.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est, Philip Of Pines
Realization
This is a long overdue realization.
I have been fighting with Turtle a lot these past few weeks, and every time we fight, I'd be all emotional, and annoyed, and if I was allowed to swear, I'd probably be swearing at myself and sometimes at him too. Then I'd cool down and he would talk to me in his calming manner, and then I'd realize that it wasn't that big of a deal anymore and I'd prefer to end the day being ok with him, and he always makes sure we end the day like so.
Well, today, as I was talking to a bunch of my friends about how they treat their girlfriends. And they were sharing how they make sure their girlfriends are the ones to say sorry in a fight, and how they will never lower their pride because they're the male figure in the relationship, and how sometimes a girl just overreacts in so many little things that they will never tolerate, and when I listen to the very
valid reasons as to why the girl is angry at them, I think. And I start thinking really hard.
Then that's when I realized a very valuable thing; a valuable thing that I forget sometimes in the heat for an argument:
My Turtle is the best boyfriend in the entire world.
Do you know how thankful I am to have this man in my life? Sure, I say a bunch of stuff that hurt him, and there are a lot of times where I get unreasonable, and sometimes he really is at fault, however perfect for me he may be. However, and that's a pretty big however, I would never, ever trade my relationship with him, with any of the boys here at the college.
A guy friend once said that he and his girlfriend hardly ever fight, and I think but when they do fight it's usually never resolved, and it lasts for so long, and you know what? I think I prefer fighting all the time, and resolving it within an hour, because at least I know we resolve it.
Whatever did I do to deserve such Turtle as him for a boyfriend, I will never, ever know, and even if I did, I'd probably still think I am still the most blessed person on this world to ever have this guy as my future partner-in-crime for the rest of my life.
I love you with all my heart could afford to love.
Lovingly yours, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est, Schoolingness
Missing This
It's almost one in the morning.
And, obviously, I'm still wide-wide awake. I could blame it on the coffee that I drank at Starbucks today, which is weird because this is like the second time I've been to the place and it's always been a freebie, every time I come there. Someone always buys the coffee and the bread for me, because if it was just me, I'd just stick to hot chocolate please.
I could blame it on the free WiFi at the place where I'm sleeping tonight. I mean spending time typing and surfing the wonderful fairytale land called the Internet has always given me an energy boost that can make me run on steam for hours and hours more. I may have an addiction problem though, I'll have to get back to you pumpkin pies on that.
But I'd rather blame my general awake-ness with thoughts of him. Yes, pumpkin pies, I'm talking about the love of my life in the most cheesiest manner. I haven't been cheesy corny in a while so please bear with me. You see, I have been missing him a lot these past few weeks. Not because I haven't seen him that much but because since we both have such busy schedules it's so hard to just meet and talk.
And I guess without going through all the different motions. This running thoughts in my mind only seem to say one thing. Over and over again. Till all the words run together and become as one short sentence.
I miss you.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
Why Am I a Missionary?
I'm on my fourth year at this college.
I bet not many of those who accidentally read this know that I'm studying in a BIBLE college where I am training to become a missionary. Yes, yes, it's like training to become a nun, but we have different beliefs when it comes to our
theology and unlike those brave, self-controlled people, I am still allowed to fall in love and get married.
Though love and getting married is a great topic to rant about, this rant is not about the joys and pains of love. Nope, this is about my chosen path to take, the questions of why I chose it, if I ever regretted my choices, and what the heck am I still doing here?
Let's resume this rant, shall we?
When I was a wee bit little girl, having just graduated from high-school, there was this weird burning in my heart, not at all like heartburn, but something you can't explain without using those very words; burning of the heart or heartburn. I wanted to become a missionary. I wanted to learn about God, and I wanted to tell those who didn't get the chance to know about Jesus and to be given the choice. I don't care much for those who have rejected him already, because hey it's
your choice if you don't want to believe in my beliefs. What I do care about is bringing the choice to those who never had the chance to choose. For me, that's what it means to be a missionary.
And that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
I could have been a journalist, what with my penchant for liking to write about whatever and giving insights to people who don't really want it, and I could have been
great at it. I could have been a lawyer, since I could argue till my face is red, then blue and then I would argue some more until you are forced to agree with me cause that's the only way you'll get me to
shut up.
But no.
I decided I wanted to become a missionary.
Was it the right choice?
Though my immediate family were nothing but supportive with my chosen future vocation, my extended family was not as kind. There were always snide remarks of me wasting my time, my future, my gifts at being essentially witty and sarcastic which people can mistake for some form of intelligence, and most of all, they all claim that not only am I wasting money on this endeavor, I was probably never going to get rich enough to help myself let alone my ever supportive immediate family when they need me, and I was probably going to rely on them for monetary support for the rest of my life. Encouraging, huh?
Did I ever regret my choice?
Sometimes, when people ask me what course I'm taking, something clogs up my throat, and instead of proudly telling them that I'm training to become a missionary, I mumble something about taking up theology, hoping that that is too big a word for them to actually know what it means, and that they're too proud enough to not bother asking what that means. Why? I could say it's because it gets tiring explaining all the how, why, and what the heck were you thinking questions that inevitably pops up. I refuse to say I am ashamed, so I won't. Not because the feeling doesn't come up every now and then, but because I refuse to even give it a foothold in my heart, so I just brush it aside and scrub it out of my brain.
So what am I still doing here?
Because that burning sensation in my heart? Yeah that heartburn that isn't heartburn at all? It's still there. And I want nothing more than to become a missionary, to serve God in any land far away where the choice to choose is not available to them. To this very day, even in the face of discouraging people, situations, questions, judgments, if I have known everything that I know now before I made my choice to become a missionary, I know deep in my gut that I would still choose to become one. Sure, I may have wondered what it would be like to be a famous writer, famous lawyer, famous person earning big bucks to support those whom I love, but I have never regretted my choice to become what I am training to be today.
I'd give up the whole world, my friends, my family, my fame, my pride, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my money, my name, God help me, even my boyfriend, if that's what it requires to become what God wants me to be.
Why am I a missionary?
Because that's the only kind of person I was meant to be.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Je, Kuya, Love at its janajee-est, Schoolingness
Daddy-kins
And Father's Day is almost over!
Everyone around the world is doing this whole, long, drawn out messages on how they love their fathers, on how they've forgiven all the mistakes, on how their so in sync with their fathers, etc.
But I shall make it simple.
You're the best Dad in the world, hands down! You are like the model that inspires me, and can you believe how much you are my true superhero?
In fact I look up to you so much that I have found a significant other which has your characteristics, your morals, your restraint, your sense of humor, heck even your nickname is exactly the same!
I love you Daddy-kins.
Thanks for loving us back.
Lotsa love, Jana
EditedConversation with my Mom
Mom: That's not fair!
Me: What isn't fair?
Mom: You have Daddy's picture on your blog and not mine! I demand that you place me in there too!
Me: But it's Father's Day
Mom: I didn't see a picture of me on Mother's Day!
Me: ...
And therefore, due to consistent request!
Tis my BEAUTIFUL mother!
You know I love you too, Mom.
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est
Woosh Woosh, Superhero
There is this one thing about being separated from your significant other that I might possibly like, and it's all the calls that he makes. Oh sure I'd trade all of that, just to see him and hang out with him and do all the normal things a normal couple will do on a normal date, but one must make due with what one has.
At least we live in the same country, right?
Anyway, during times of separation, he makes the cutest of calls, and he makes it all the time. He wakes me up every morning and bids me goodnight every night. He makes pouting noises every time I answer the phone after the fourth ring. He is such a goofball.
In the midst of all the stress, he is the one thing that relaxes me. When things get scary, he calms me. When things don't make sense, he makes it all clear. When I'm going crazy, he pulls me back down and sets me straight. He's my superhero.
I love him.
Goodnight, my superhero.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
Why I Want to Go to Taiwan
I've been watching a lot of Taiwanese Drama lately, to pass the summer vacation time. And may I just exaggerate,
I am so totally enjoying and am now on the verge of begging anyone to teach me Taiwanese, somebody kidnap me, I want to go to Taiwan. I've already finished watching
Fated to Love You twice and have immensely enjoyed it, and now I'm giving
Hot Shot a shot, and so far it's pretty good and funny. Reminds me of my
Slam Dunk addiction days.
Though it's mostly fun and games, there has been some serious pensive thoughts that came about while watching these shows. It just goes to show that TV does not, according to those boring adults, rot your mind, because it even gives you valuable lessons about yourself. [
Insert childish dance with nyeh-nyeh-ness].
Fated to Love You is definitely one of my most favorite dramas of all time. It definitely deserves the title as one of the highest rating drama in Taiwan. It does have a serious tune to it, so I'm sure those who demand reality to be mixed with a fiction show should like it too. Also it is the first drama that has made me cry which did not result into me swearing to never watch it again because I have a habit of choosing never to watch tear-jerkers more than once.
But I've already watched this show twice and I wouldn't mind watching it again. Why? Because it is one darn heck of a funny show. All the characters are amazing and they have their own touch of comedy in them!
Especially Ji Cun Xi, played by Ethan. He is my most favorite leading man of all time. He is funny and amazing, and generous and totally cute. And I think Chen Xin Yi made no mistake of choosing him over Dylan because Cun Xi is the best! [
Insert fangirl squeals].
Apologies to those who did not understand the previous paragraph, but really it's all
your fault for not watching the greatness such as contained in Fated to Love You.
As for Hot Shot, so far it's funny and I already have my favorite leading man from this series as well: Da Ying, played by Show Lo.
From the very first look, you can see that he is one stand-up funny guy. And watching the show and his antics has already made me fall madly in love with Da Ying.
Now before I lose myself in my fangirl crazy mode, which is a totally different form of crazy than the usual abnormal Jana crazy, there is a point to all of these plugging. I have realized that having laughter in a relationship is important.
Woah! Were you shocked by that revelation?What I'm trying to say is, I am so thankful to have the Turtle because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'm glad that only he can me make me laugh like no other. And that he is the best leading man that the Crazy could ever ask for, even when she's in crazy fangirl mode.
Bet you didn't see that one coming!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est
Past and Present
Dear Kuya,
Two years ago, you said you loved me and I realized that I had already done what I swore I would never do, and, as the cliche goes, that's to fall in love with you.
I can't believe it's already two years since that day, and what I really want to ask you is,
dude, how can you last this long in the presence of Crazy? Because honestly you're doing really well, lasting this long. I must congratulate you! For being a wonderful boyfriend with incredible patience and stamina to have been able to endure the stares, poking and the insanity of being with the Crazy personification.
Today was very special for me, and thank you for making it very special. Thank you for being easily coerced into giving me what I want on our second year. It was so easy to manipulate you to cook for me, even though you kept grumbling how you're not much of a cook, but honestly the fish was great. It was the best fish I had ever tasted in my entire life, because it was mixed with your magic particles that make me go
awww inside.
...
It was a hot day.
I don't if was the make-up, or the heat, but I was itching, literally, to be finished with this studio picture moment. Being a first year student, this was the first time I was to be included in the annual yearbook that was produced, to be redundant, every year. I should be excited, really. But I never liked make-up, never liked the heat, but it was the long line of other students that took the cake on this bitchy day.
I was the third in line, and was sweating profusely. Two guys in front of me, one I knew and the other I barely noticed. So I decided to cajole the first guy to let me go first, cause I was itchy and tired and hot, and besides, he didn't have to wear make-up so I'm sure he isn't suffering as much as me. And so I cajoled, but then he said no, the selfish dork.
But you know the guy I didn't notice, he suddenly said out of the blue, that I could go in front of him in the line, and you know what...
That was the first time I noticed you.
Do you remember?
It wasn't much, but that was the first time I really realized your existence and from then on, you made me realize that without your existence, my existence would be quite a boring and somewhat meaningless one.
...
You said you loved me two years ago, and I'm glad that I didn't let myself be crazy for once and decided that the most sensible thing to do at this moment in time was to let myself fall in love with you.
Happy second anniversary, I love you.
Though he doesn't seem to be, he really is happy. Hahaha.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
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