Friday, July 28, 2006

I'm tired...

[Warning: I'm really depressed.]

Don't you hate it when you make a mistake.

I do. I really do.

Sometimes, I take it so hard that I can't look at myself anymore. I turn the lights off in my room because I don't want to see any part of me. Not anything. With the lights off, I can pretend, at least for a little while, that I didn't do anything wrong.

But the only way that can really last long, is if I ceased to exist.

I used to pray everyday that I won't wake up anymore. That God would take me. If I'm going to live and keep failing, then I might as well not be here anymore. That makes sense right?

I'm so tired of being wrong. Of being weak. Of falling. I just want to stop it. So I pray that somehow, someway... it would end. That's the reason why I want to die young and not grow old.

Formula of My Life
Grow old = more time.
More time = More mistakes.
More mistakes = More-lonely-sad-in-the-dark-nights.

Yet, everytime I convince myself that I can stand up again. That maybe I can make it after all.

I fall.


On my face.

Unable to get up.


It's like a weird and twisted circle that I can't get out. Watch out when you're feeling happy, a bomb is going to drop and...

The next thing you know, you're in your room. Lights off. Cheeks wet. Complete and utter silence except for the seemingly-never-ending-sobbing here and there.

It gets tiring.

Lotsa love, Jana



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