Wednesday, December 06, 2006

As if...

I lied again.

My smile said one thing.

"Of course I'm alright. Look, I'm smiling. People smile when they're alright. And I am alright. See the smile! I'm smiling."

My brain screamed another.

"Oh leave me alone! I do not want to decorate no cottage! I do not want to look alive! I wish the whole play involved on blank faces! So that I don't have to smile! Because right now that's basically lying!"

I honestly feel so fecking botchy.

But it's the Christmas season.

Got to show the Christmas spirit.

Got to be Christmassy!

Even if the very least thing that I want to do right now, is to stand in front of tons of people and smile. As if, as if... nothing was wrong. As if, I felt like the happiest person in the world.

As if, Glen didn't hurt the bajeebers out of me.

As if, no one abused my trust or insulted me.

As if, I didn't miss my family back in Brunei. And basically Brunei as a whole.

As if, I am not over all greatly disappointed with humanity as a whole.

Lotsa love, Jana

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