Sunday, August 05, 2007
It was a night that I could never forget.
It didn't happen at some concert where everyone was jumping and singing for You. No one was around me, raising their hands or falling on their knees. There were no crying or shouting. In fact it was really quiet and I was pretty much alone then.
It didn't happen at some preaching deal where there was a pastor who was stirring our hearts for You. No one was standing up with their eyes closed or walking toward the altar to lay their lives for you. There were no humbled prayers or silent sniffles. In fact there was no altar and there was no pastor.
It happened quietly. I didn't raise my hands, but I did raise my heart. I didn't fall on my knees but I did let my pride fall. I wasn't shouting but I was definitely crying. Though it was quiet and I was alone, I knew You were right there.
It happened in my room. I wasn't standing up with my eyes closed, but I was at Your throne anyway. I wasn't walking to any altar but I was definitely laying my life for You again. I wasn't sniffling but I was definitely humbled. Though there was no altar and no pastor, I knew You were right there.
I'm sorry I hurt You. I'm sorry things haven't been going the way You want in my life. I'm sorry for so many things that I have done that have probably severely disappointed You. I'm sorry for the things I did, for the broken promises, for saying one thing and doing something completely different.
I know You still love me and You will never leave me alone, which You know I cannot comprehend at all since I did pretty much got You killed and all. If I were You, I'd probably let me rot in hell. But You're still here for me and well... You still hold me in Your arms.
I just am sorry.
For letting myself drift away from You. For committing something so horrendous against Your holiness and Your purity. I don't know what to do and I feel myself slowly slowly sinking into the very grave that I have once again dug for myself. The same grave You once saved me from.
Lotsa love, Jana