Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Stuff like that...Students are walking past me one by one and I am suddenly struck with this nostalgic feeling of way back when I used to sit alone all by myself thinking and feeling sorry for myself. Lonely, alone, cold, fear, those were words I used to scribble into my diary trying to find ways to express how darn it I am alone pay attention to me already! and I would cry to myself and it has never really worked you know. People didn't come rushing to me as soon as the tears fall. People won't walk over whenever I am alone and in need of some company.
I guess I'm just feeling happy for all the good results that I've been having this past few days, but I'm looking at myself back then and the words moronic idiot comes into mind.
A student just walked by and greeted me, "Jana girl", pointing to the fact that yes I am somewhat of a female being and I realize, back then that would never really happen. When I'm alone people would just walk past and even though I'm crying my eyes out without wiping my tears, screaming for attention, no would greet me way back when.
A lot of things has changed, both within me and outwards of me (dude did that even make sense?) and I realize that I no longer do those crying episodes of wanting attention. Oh I still cry, and I cry a lot for I am still the emotional human being that was born in the Philip of Pines and raised in Brunei and now studying in the country of my birth, that loves to write and use words to express herself, that still cries over everything; i.e. I cry when I'm really happy, I cry when I'm really sad, I cry when I'm really angry, etc.; that's all still me.
Except now when I'm alone it's because I want to be. Maybe I've finally accepted my fate of being somewhat of a loner. Maybe I've finally received the attention that I've so longed for and realized it wasn't all that amazing as it looked from afar off. Maybe I'm really changing into someone else. Maybe I'm growing up.
Oh Em Geee! I am like so totally growing up. I'm like so totally mature and old and wise and stuff. Y'all bow down to the new and improved growing up Jana, cause she's like mature and stuff now. Who woulda thunk it?
Ah never mind.
Lotsa love, Jana