Saturday, July 12, 2008

How could I have ignored all the signs...

I feel like I got shot in the stomach.

I just found out that someone very close to me is... well, gay. And I'm not homo-phobe or anything. I mean, I have gay friends and even though they know that I'm against being gay, me being a Christian and all and believing what the Bible says is true, I still do treat them like human beings and they do know about my stand and they know perfectly well that I wish they weren't gay, like how I wish some of my friends would stop smoking or drinking, but we don't let that get in the way of our friendship or anything.

It's just that, I never saw it coming.

Ok, wait, no. I did see it coming. I saw all the signs. He never had a girlfriend. He hangs out with really weird looking guys. And how he has male posters in his room, though I did sort of let that one go because you know it's usually calendars and stuff. One time he slept in the same room with a guy and the lights were off and when I tried to go in, he kicked me out and locked the door. And you know how he always has guys sending him text messages and you know for a guy that isn't really normal because have you ever met a straight guy with a lot of guy textmates?

I guess I just ignored all the signs and then finally I couldn't ignore it anymore. He is gay and I don't know why but it is scaring the heck out of me. And I don't want to handle this and I wish I didn't have to find out like this.

Maybe, actually the real reason why this is really scaring me is because I didn't find out from him and had to find out from someone or rather because of the use of something else is why this is making it really hard for me to just accept it.

And I still love the guy because you know he's a part of me and stuff, but the thing is, he sorta lied to me. I remember a couple of months back I asked him if he was gay and he looked sincerely offended enough that I really believed him and he said the only reason why he hasn't had a girlfriend yet is because he wants to save enough money so that when he does, he'll be ready for the responsibility and I really trusted him. I defended him from people when they talked about him behind his back on how he's all gay and how he's such a liar. I mean he is more than just my cousin, he's supposed to my friend.

I don't hate him for being gay. In fact I don't hate him at all. I just wish he didn't lie to me. I thought all those years we grew up together actually meant something and that he could trust me enough. And I had to find out in such a crude way, through someone asking him to do something really weird with something that no guy should share with another guy and still be considered straight and me overhearing everything that happened because I was too shocked to move after the first few syllables.

Worst is, he doesn't know I know.

And I don't know when I'll be able to face him properly without feeling really really bad deep down in my stomach.

I hate this.

Not so much with the love, Jana



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