Whoa! I Am Actually Alive!
It has been ages since I last updated my blog.
To be exact, it has been a year and four days since I last updated. The first thing I did was delete all of the spam comments, and there were many. Mostly just some people who pretended to be interested in what I said several years ago, but really just wanted me to click on links that had to do with some enlargement of some part of the body that I either didn't have or is already big enough.
Let me wink at you suggestively: [winks suggestively].
But I did miss writing.
I missed sitting down in front of a laptop, trying to write words that made sense in my head but when written down seems like a stupid anecdote but whatever I found it funny, so like you know, shut up.
I make no promises, but I will try and catch up you all up on my life. I should also probably edit some pages here and there of this blog, to keep it updated on what has happened in a year.
A lot has happened in a year
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
The End of The World?
Warning: I shall be ranting.
It's May 21 and it's 8 pm. The world is not ending, and I never believed it in the first place anyway. I wonder how Camping and his people are going to worm their way out of this one. I know they'll make some lame excuse, that people will believe it because that's just how they roll, and they'll still say that what Camping said was valid.
I don't really care, and I don't really want to spend my time bashing against these people. They believe what they believe, it's their prerogative. Personally, I think they're sincere, but sincerely wrong.
My problem is with these people making a spectacle of my religious beliefs, because they refuse to study the Bible on their own. That includes these people, and those who choose to make fun of us because of them.
I've always been respectful of other people's beliefs, but what I can't understand is that why can't these same people afford me that right? Humility aside, but I'm one smart kid. I'm not an idiot who just believes whatever is placed in front of me. I do study and weigh my options before I make my life choices.
So, don't insult me.
You want to believe in evolution, that we're created by chance, and that we have no purpose in life than to just have sex, eat and die, then that's your choice, that's your bias.
And you know what else? Atheists claiming they have no bias really piss me off. They do. No one has no bias, that's just ridiculous. Everything, even science takes basic assumptions, (you know those things that they claim to be true even without proof, in other words faith, duh) and no one can prove everything. Just admit it already, and stop acting like you're better than everyone else.
You're not.
Another thing that pisses me off? These people spouting off "proofs" that the Bible isn't real, quotes and verses, taken and out of context and twisted to appear that it's wrong. If you're going to make fun of the Bible at least make sure you know what the heck you're talking about.
Most of these people haven't even read the Bible. Do your research, study what you're trying to discredit because there's a reason why there are a lot of us in this world, you know? I think it's pretty jerky of you to think us all blind idiots, don't you think?
Blah.
End of rant.
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
My Fair Lady
Click on the picture to see it in it's original size
I made this while watching My Fair Lady.
It was for my
tumblr blog, but I thought I'd share it here as well. I'm really enjoying this drama, except I'm a little frustrated that it took a whole of twelve episodes for them to finally get together.
So glad that they got together now :)
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Lo this deserves no category
Tired Now
Juggling with insecurity and pride is exhausting.
At one point you're proud. You boast and you want the whole word to know how awesome you are. You get disappointed when you're not placed in the limelight. You want to be the center of attraction so you do things a little crazy. Sometimes because you're actually crazy, but at other times you just want people to look at you, because people remember the crazy ones. You say something funny, but no one hears, darling repeat until someone laughs. Something moving, and crying and no one hears? Same thing and make sure you have a tissue around for them to think you're such a nice girl too.
At the other end, you're so insecure. There are so many things that you're afraid to do because you look at yourself and you know you're lacking. No matter how much you're encouraged by others that you can do it, you really can, but you know deep in your heart you could never do it. You could never lead people, you could never be the very thing you want people to think that you are. You can never be special, not as special as you tell people that you are.
You're struggling, juggling with both insecurity and pride, so fast both balls seem to become as one and heavy. Oh and they're both such heavy things. You want to drop it, and just live normally, but like the idiot that you are, you still reach for them every chance you get.
Why? Because you're an idiot.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
A Failed Attempt
Intelligent musings?
Now, unfortunately, if you came here looking for that, I have none to offer. I have dreams about Barney, fangirling nonsense for drawn anime men, and your regular what-happened-to-me-today type of entries, but intelligent musings. No, no, none of that here.
I envy those who can write things like that, it seems when God was showering that type of blessing to people, I was under an umbrella. I can't even make a proper musing without ruining it with nonsense upon nonsense.
So now that you know, you may go and look somewhere else. Somewhere, somewhere else for you will not find anything of the type that you're looking for. No, not here. Somewhere else, but never here.
Here is where plans remain as plans and dreams forever never meet reality.
Lotsa love, Jana
P.S. What exactly have I been smoking?
Even I do not know.
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Irony, Oh Bitter Irony
Words are lacking.
Ironically enough, though I say that, I can't seem to run out of words to say, type, shout and express the things that need to be said. Can't seem to describe what I'm feeling though.
I feel like I'm floating on a cloud, and it's not a good floating on a cloud feeling, but more of hanging, high up, in the air, just waiting, waiting, slowly, slowly, excruciatingly painful slowly waiting, till that final time the rain starts and the clouds can no longer hold me up and I fall, spiraling down, down, down into an abyss of darkness and fear, an ocean depth of tears.
Hmm, what do you know, I managed to describe it.
Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the people around me, but all of a sudden this week just blows. I can't wait till all of this is over, and I finally have the chance to leave [you] and all memories [of you] behind.
Sayonara!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Some Weird Feeling
I'm staring at a blank screen.
I don't know whether I ought to be sad or happy or annoyed or whatever really in general. Things haven't spiraled out of control just yet, but I'm not exactly doing cartwheels either. It's just everything seems to be at a standstill. I'm expecting something, but nothing is coming. It's like the only new things that are popping about are things to watch for me, but other than that... has it been so pathetic that the only thing new in my life are new episodes of shows to download and watch? Is this all I have now?
I'm probably just depressed at the moment, because I know that the moment I wake up tomorrow, I'll feel bright and chipper, and happy at the prospect of having something new to watch. But tonight, can I just be me, and be just a little down and out? Can I just lock myself up somewhere, crawl into a small corner and just weep?
Can I just do all of that even if I don't know why I want to?
See you on the other side.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Just A Thought
I do not like Avatar.
Yes, that 3D movie everyone is raving about? With the great graphics that would blow someone's mind out? Yes, that's the one. I do not like that movie.
Why?
Because it's predictable.
And the one typing this entry is shot with a realization.
Wow, it's the first time in my entire life I've ever admitted not liking the predictable. How could this possibly be? I, the one who claims that the reason why said one runs from realism (and slightly unpredictable story lines), the one who when buying a book, immediately goes to the last page so said one could know exactly how it ended before further reading. That one and the same "I" is now saying that I hate a movie because it's predictable?
Unbelievable.
...
I do not know where this entry is heading.
...
Ah, heck.
...
Goodbye.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
To Whom It May Concern
Do you know how it feels?
No really, I bet you have no idea how it feels whenever you find out that one person you've trusted is actually not someone worth trusting, because honestly if you actually did know how that feels, then you would not have the energy or the emotion, or whatever it is you need, to betray someone who really trusted you.
What am I saying?
Well this is what I'm saying and read this words because I know you read this. You've never really trusted anyone, and because of that people have never really trusted you, or even if they actually did, you're lack of loyalty to anyone but yourself makes sure that it does not last long. You are the most selfish human being I have ever met, and for once in your life, can you just stuff it, and leave everyone alone? Just because you're not having fun, does not mean you can force everyone else to fall, you twisted, selfish, coward of a person.
And I will not take those words back.
Ever.
No love whatsoever, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
A Rant - I Be The Duck
I am going to rant and spew angry thoughts unto a guy who ruined my friend's life by seducing her and now they've eloped, with the girl's family broken-hearted, and she had such a wonderful future ahead of her, and if the guy really loved the girl, why did he ruin her life like this? He could have waited and now what? If he really loved her, then he would have made sure that she finished college first, he would have gotten a job to be able to provide for her, and please don't tell me that's love, giving up everything blah blah, that's not love, they gave in to lust and not love, and what are they going to do now? Seriously. And yeah I know the girl is at fault too for being an idiot, but I can honestly say that I hate the guy more. He is a complete ass-wipe. I mean elopement?! Come on, that is such an idiotic thing to do, and Mr. Ass-wipe better not show his face and general body mass around me because he is going to get his ass kicked. Hard. Really, really, hard.
And I end this post with this picture.
By sglider12.Because the duck kicks ass.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Ondoy
I'm pretty sure no one's ever going to forget that name.
At least no one here in the Philippines will.
The reason why I haven't blogged about my experience with the... thing... that owns that name is because I was scared that I'd make a great big joke out of it, as I do with most things that scare me.
And I didn't want that.
What I want is to respect the death of hundreds of people in our country and to remember it, not as a joke, but for the terrible thing that it was.
And terrible it was.
I was stranded in a bus, for more than eighteen hours, because of the rain. I had to walk through floods and I was soaked right through. I was scared, and though I was with friends, I was worried that I might not see my family, the Turtle, ever again. My phone was already dead and I couldn't tell anyone where I was.
But it wasn't really that, that scared me.
It was the dead bodies that I saw.
I wasn't scared in the I'm-scared-of-dead-people-way, but scared because we were so close to becoming just like them. Scared that I couldn't do anything to help anyone. Scared because they never had a chance against the flood.
I just was so... scared.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category, Philip Of Pines
Grumpy Lady and Crazy Uncle
It has been a while since I updated.
I apologize profusely for my lack of work here in this blog. Not that anybody really cares, except maybe you, my occasional pumpkin pie reader,
I love you, yes I do.
I blame it all on
Busy-ness, which I shall personify in this paragraph as a grumpy old lady who wants everything done perfectly in a perfect manner with every perfect detail in perfect order and perfect position and if anything is out of it's perfect design, then you can expect a perfectly horrid punishment, which will have long lasting repercussions that will burn into your mind the word:
Perfection.
So, I've been really busy.
Like unbelievably busy.
Like no one could possibly believe that this whole busy-ness of mind is possible but you have no choice but to believe it because it is possible and it has happened to me.
And today?
For half the day, I'm allowed to rest for about twelve hours, before I am once again beset by that grumpy old lady (see third paragraph) and I'm not allowed to take a breather until the semesteral break comes, and even then I may still be disallowed to have fun. She's a busy old lady that way.
Anyway.
I come here, all ready to get some rest, and what do I get?
I get none of that because even though I'm not thinking about anxious thoughts of school and my requirements, I am still thinking of several anxious thoughts regarding my slowly breaking apart uncle, who may I just point out is the same uncle who went
crazy in drama #3 and this is maybe
because he's on drugs.
Yep, the very same.
So not only have been incredibly busy this past... lifetimes... I'm not even allowed to get that half-day rest that I came here for because I'm scared out my wits that said crazy relative might suddenly throw a tantrum and literally start throwing stuff across the room.
So why do I type like I'm not scared?
Because, dear pumpkin pies, this is how I deal with stress. Talking nonsense until it all disappears from view. Sometimes it works, most of the time it puts me into more trouble, but it never fails to distract me from the fear.
Thank heavens that I am not alone.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Lo this deserves no category
Dust-ball
Warning: I am depressed therefore anything written in here is the content of a mind so depressed that anyone reading this would probably end up so depressed too that we can jump off that bridge together. If you do not want to jump of any bridges anytime today then I suggest you forget about reading this entry. To prove just how depressed this entry is, I've said depressed about five times.
So now what?
I keep realizing with every step that I take that I'm losing whatever identity that I had in this college. There goes the kind girl, lost with the nasty words spoken without thought. There goes the rule abiding girl, lost with all the lazy to heck with it attitude. And finally, there goes that study hard, study smart identity I've had, lost because I didn't study.
So, now what?
I feel like I'm such a useless human being, every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every single week, I keep becoming such a pathetic form, which is saying a lot because I'm already a pathetic shell of a human being.
And soon, so very soon, all I'm going to be is worthless little dust-ball that barely has enough moisture within it to keep holding itself together.
Sleep little dust-ball, sleep and ignore what lies ahead for a little while and completely forget what you left behind.
Sleep little dust-ball, sleep.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Winds and Fireworks
The wind is blowing faster and faster.
I wonder if it can just pick me up and throw me away. Away and away, further and further, until I'm no longer here. Until I'm no longer where I don't want to be, and I'm somewhere probably just as bad, but maybe it's better than being here.
Maybe.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Fangirling: Deadpool
I have just finished watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
And may I just say that I have found another collectible man-item for my fangirling fetishes. However it isn't Wolverine because even though Wolverine has some seriously mysterious appeal to me, he didn't really grab my attention in this one. It isn't even Gambit, my ultimate favorite X-Men member, who may I just say isn't even French in the movie, why is that??
My new collectible man-item would be Deadpool: The Merc with a Mouth. Especially as portrayed in the movie. He be hot, and he be funny and even though he gets all mutilated and uglified in the the end, he still be my hot, funny, Deadpool, Merc with a Mouth crushness.
And I am severely ecstatic that a Deadpool movie will be coming out and that Deadpool is still going to be played by Ryan Reynolds and that I am so going to watch it when it comes out here, then download it
illegally into my laptop so that I could watch it whenever I want, and
then when the original DVD with bonus features comes out, I am going to buy it so that there will be more Deadpool bonus-ness of love!
Teehee, ain't he funny?
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Bunny Bunny Bunny
Dear Self,
Well, hello.
It's been a while since I've made an appearance in the dark corners of your little world. Has is it been a couple of months? You seem to have gotten a lot thinner. Have you been eating? No? You should always take care of yourself because if you don't, who will?
Actually I'm a little sad today, which is really just weird if you ask me. I mean, nothing specifically bad has happened to us recently. And yet, here I am.
Remember the time when I always visited you? Back in high school? You even made little pathetic drawings of broken hearts. You even drew one on a plate and I still remember your idiotic words:
I feel like I'm eating my heart. On a plate. With a spoon. I'm using a knife though instead of a fork, because forks make a bunch of holes, whilst the knife just cuts so easily cause it's sharp.
Funny little bunny.
Though your heart isn't for dinner today, doesn't it feel a little painful? Like someone is at the very least poking it with a pair of chopsticks or something? Speaking of chopsticks, how come you've never learned how to use them? It looks so amazingly cool and you've always wanted to try, but yet you never took the time to learn.
Useless little bunny.
I know. I realize why I needed to pay you this visit. Because you're tired and I'm tired and I think that someone else is tired of our tired selves. And it is sad because this someone else is someone which has a large magnitude of importance for you, so we definitely do not want this someone to be tired of us.
Such a tired little bunny.
Lotsa love,
Your Emo Self
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Welcome to Janaje-eight
I've only done tags if the people are really nice, therefore be flattered
Keiti because I, your personal stalker, thinks you are nice.
Eight things I'm looking forward to1. I can't wait to see the Turtle tomorrow!
2. Classes, classes, classes!
3. Brand new spanking laptop that will take about six months to arrive!
4. Working on my new church service at Cavite!
5. To meet my new roommates!
6. To see the Turtle tomorrow because the excitement I feel for that deserves another number!
7. To see who's going to be the college's yearbook's editor (and all the while hoping it's not me)!
8. To finally graduate after two more years!
Eight things I did yesterday1. Woke up earlier than I wanted to
2. Traveled from the college to my house
3. Fell asleep in a bus
4. Ate at Jollibee
5. Fell asleep in in a van
6. Fainted on top of my bed
7. Surfed the internet
8. Sent negative energy towards Edward and all the other Twilight freaks
Eight things I wish I could do1. Fly
2. Actually have class tomorrow
3. Burn the sparkling Edward until all that's left of him is a bag of glitters
4. Ignore my newly appointed curfew and surf the net until whatever time I want
5. Be sown to the Turtle's hip
6. Have unlimited supply of money for books
7. Watch a movie in the cinema
8. Be President of the Philippines?
Eight shows I watch1. Scrubs
2. Reaper
3. Chuck
4. Wizards of Waverly Palace
5. Korean Telenovelas
6. Japanese Telenovelas
7. Taiwanese Telenovelas
8. And when I'm forced, Filipino Telenovelas
Yay!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
A Night Like Mine
I feel like the night belongs to me.
When I'm up in the middle of the night like this, I feel like everything was made just for me. Like the stars where placed in the sky, so that I would have something to look at. That the trees whisper with the wind because they're trying to tell me something. Even if I was just sitting in one place, I feel like I'm being transported somewhere else. Somewhere magical; a place where fairy tales can actually exist, where the night sky had no boundaries, and flying unicorns and pretty fairies danced somewhere far, far, too far for me to see, but it's easier to believe their existence in the night like this.
Most of the time, it's the harsh cold light of day that jolts me from my lucid dream, hiding the stars from my view, forcing me to see that trees are really just trees with nothing to tell me. I never did like the day much. Daylight meant reality. Daylight means that I have to work instead of dream. Everyone is awake, so the day can't belong to me alone. No fairies can exist in the day cause the sun is too bright for them to show their sparkle, and unicorns can't fly during the day cause their wings would burn because of the hot, hot, heat of the son. Fairy tales, for me, can't exist in the day, because the day is filled with too many people, and too much noises.
So let me stay up just a little bit while longer.
Let me pretend that those lands I can't see, are not because they don't exist, but because they're too far, and I'll probably have to squint a little harder just to be able to catch a glimpse of sparkle of sorts or maybe the shiny horn of a unicorn flying up in the horizon.
Let this night be mine for a little while.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Just Go
...
You know I'm never going to believe you again right?
You said you were going to be
nice. What in the world was I thinking, allowing you to be in my presence once again? You said you were not going to be a whiny, annoying, jerk-off and I believed you. I am such an
idiot. I should have known that you were never ever going to change. Your kind hardly ever do.
Stay away from my her.
If you take another step toward her, I swear I will punch you. I may not have had any practice after all these years, and I may be a weakling now, but I will still punch you. After that I'll call on the Turtle to pummel you to ground. He's a pacifist, but he's a really really really
strong pacifist, with humongous muscles, so I'd
still be afraid if I were you.
I hope this is the last time I'll say this:
Go away.
And don't whine your way back to me. It may have worked a couple of years back, but you already used up your quota of my patience and if I hear one more word, I really will shove my pencil in my ear, if only I never hear from you again.
...
Labels: Kuya, Lo this deserves no category
For Nadie
On the 5th of April, I was panicking because I realized that I forgot something. How could I have forgotten, and
she is going to kill me, were the thoughts that were going through my head. I checked her blogs and there were a bunch of people going Happy Birthday! And I'm thinking, oh no...
she really is going to kill me. And so I started to think of something, anything to make sure that her anger will ebb away, because she has never forgotten my birthday, and damn it, I really try my hardest not to forget hers. I think of excuses, anything, that might prevent her from turning me into a burger and devouring me.
"I was stuck on a mountain, and I swear they had no signal there, so how could I have greeted you. But seriously I was thinking of you yesterday"
"I'm really sorry my brain just died, that's why I forgot about it, I mean duh, I don't even know my name at the moment, so yeah it's a big step for me to be able to greet you a belated right?"
I decided to go with the mountain.
And so I spammed her with several belated birthday greetings. After being satisfied and praying to the fairies that she won't be too pissed off about it, I casually glance at her blog one more time.
"Happy birthday baby rockstar!"
Wait what?
Baby rockstar??? Isn't baby rockstar her boyfriend?? It's his birthday too? Hmmm... What a loving coincidence. Then something hits me like a brick; the way I remember her birthday was through her e-mail, and I quickly checked it to realize that dude her birthday isn't on the fourth of april, it was on the eighth.
Why did I think 408??? It was 804! Gosh darn it!
And so I spammed her some more about my huge mistake and I felt slightly sorry about losing the whole mountain excuse because I can't use that excuse anymore when I actually really forget her birthday. And the mountain wasn't a pretty bad excuse at all.
And so to make it up for the mistake, I have decided to post this blog post on 12:00 AM, on the 8th of April, 2008 to commemorate the day she takes an annual step closer to her death. Yay!
With our high school picture from graduation, I would like to express the
happiest of birthdays to
the one, the only, NADIE-DODO!
The only girl I would choose to pursue, if I were actually either a guy, or a lesbian.
Happy Birthday Nadie, I love you and I miss you so very mucho.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category, Olden days
