Monday, October 06, 2008
ScaredI have a neighbor.
And she scares the living daylights out of me.
When I was a kid, we used to be best friends. I can remember all the childish games we used to play and the laughter and the childish fights and making up right after.
Then I moved to Brunei and she stayed here in the Philippines.
Every time I came back for a vacation, we would always catch up and talk to each other and hang out. She was really nice, except every time I went back she got less and less nice and got more and more weird.
Every visit she would share proudly a tidbit about her life, something that she considers a triumph, but I couldn't help but be scared for her,
"I've met my boyfriend on the internet"
"I hate rap, rock rocks and I'm now an atheist"
"I can smoke as much as I want whenever I want"
"I stopped studying and can do whatever I want"
"Man, my new boyfriend is a satanist" (Totally nearly peed my pants right then and there) "but it's ok, I'm still an atheist"
"Every time he visits me he f***s me like a lot because he wants me to have baby, that f***ing weirdo"
"Man, I attend that Catholic youth group only cause there's a hot guy there and I want to f*** him"
I mean if you were there and you're both alone in her room and she shares all those things you'd be scared too. The last visit I couldn't help but notice a really realistic knife right there on her pillow and oh emm gee I got out of there as fast I could freaking get.
Anyway, every time she shares these, I guess she notices that I cringe and as the days and years go by, she sees me cringe more and more and finally when I told her she was destroying her life, she told me to get a f***ing life.
Now she has a boyfriend, who looks like a horse (I'm sorry but he freaking does), and they both live next door with her family and grandparents, and the guy is sucking her dry.
And I realize, she could have been me. We were so alike back when we were kids. What if I did study here in the Philippines? What if I continued in the same primary school as her, to the same high school and finally stopped studying all together?
I don't want to be like her, but I wish I was with her during those times she started to make her choices, I don't know, maybe I could have stopped it or something. Maybe I could have dragged her by the hair away from where she is now.
I want to hold her and to hug her and to play house with her again, to do anything that would stop her from the descent that she's stuck in.
She no longer talks to me.
I'm scared of her to talk to her, I'm scared of her horse-y boyfriend, I'm scared of her knives, her music, her destructive force, I'm scared of her.
But I'm still praying.
Lotsa love, Jana