Sunday, August 15, 2010
Officially Denied Hidden Status
I refuse to hide my scars.
And that’s just my hand
My body is filled with scars, and that’s not an emo-statement of a figurative matter like dude, I’ve got emotional scars of pain, anger and depression against life. Nope, I’m literally scarred all over. I’ve got scars on my legs, on my arms, on my hands, and even this belt like shaped scar at my back. They look pretty much the same as that wretched looking hand and I’ve had them ever since I was seven years old. I’m currently twenty-one, and for fourteen years I’ve been trying to hide them.
Of course, that’s impossible.
Of course. How can you completely hide your body, and still live a normal life (read: not look like an idiot)? But try I did. I’ve spent years wearing long-sleeved shirts, and pants everywhere I went. I even wore gloves at times. The only scar I didn’t manage to hide was my own face. It was hard, and not to mention really, since I’ve been living all my life in the tropics. In Brunei, it was tolerable because everywhere you went there was some semblance of an air-conditioned room, but in the Philippines? You’d die of dehydration from sweating too much, that is if the shame of walking around in sweaty clothes didn’t kill you first.
But I’ve firmly decided that I will no longer hide myself. For practical reasons and for the principle of it. Practical reasons include: it’s hot in the Philippines; I look like an idiot every time I go out, and I no longer want to feel like Edward Cullen who hides from the sun every chance I get.
And the principle is this: these scars are a part of who I am. They’re a part of the mould that formed Jana Macabali. To deny and to hide my scars seems pretty much hiding and denying me, and I no longer want to do that.
This is why this principle automatically follows several other things:
I will not hide my undying love for music. I will sing whenever and wherever I want, and you can’t stop me. Even if I sound like a cross between a bull and very dying frog, I will sing to my heart’s content.
I will not hide my love for predictable comedy shows/movies. Label me as shallow, label me all you want, but I will not back down and watch depressing things just because it’s the smart thing to do.
I will not hide my nationality as a Filipino. Ako ay Filipino na marunong magfilipino at hinding hindi mawawala ang pagmamahal ko sa inang bansa na kahit hindi ko kinalakihan, ay aking ipagyayabang pa rin. Mahal ko ang aking wika, kahit ako’y hindi magaling sa paggamit nito. Hindi ako matatakot magfilipino sa harap ng mga dayuhan, dahil wala akong pakielam kung anu man ang iniisip nila sa akin at sa aking mga kababayan. [For the foreigners who are reading this: I’m a Filipino who knows how to speak Filipino, and I will never lose my love for my Mother Country. Even though I did not grow up here, I will still be proud of it. I love my language, even though I’m not very good at it. I won’t be afraid to speak Filipino in front of foreigners, because I don’t care what they think about me and my countrymen].
I will not hide my belief and my faith as born again Christian. Call me a fanatic, call me religious, and call me whatever name you want, but I will not turn away from the greatest relationship and the greatest friend I have ever met: Jesus Christ.
It starts with my scars and it ends with so much more.
Lotsa love, Jana