Thursday, December 23, 2010

Tired Now

Juggling with insecurity and pride is exhausting.

At one point you're proud. You boast and you want the whole word to know how awesome you are. You get disappointed when you're not placed in the limelight. You want to be the center of attraction so you do things a little crazy. Sometimes because you're actually crazy, but at other times you just want people to look at you, because people remember the crazy ones. You say something funny, but no one hears, darling repeat until someone laughs. Something moving, and crying and no one hears? Same thing and make sure you have a tissue around for them to think you're such a nice girl too.

At the other end, you're so insecure. There are so many things that you're afraid to do because you look at yourself and you know you're lacking. No matter how much you're encouraged by others that you can do it, you really can, but you know deep in your heart you could never do it. You could never lead people, you could never be the very thing you want people to think that you are. You can never be special, not as special as you tell people that you are.

You're struggling, juggling with both insecurity and pride, so fast both balls seem to become as one and heavy. Oh and they're both such heavy things. You want to drop it, and just live normally, but like the idiot that you are, you still reach for them every chance you get.

Why? Because you're an idiot.

Lotsa love, Jana



Blogger Seeking Understanding said...

Notes like these remind me why I love Jana Macabali <3
Keep Loving Jesus my dear ;)

10:59 PM 
Blogger jana said...

Awww, Brandon, you know I love you too ;)

1:27 AM 
Blogger Leaflove said...

I know this is an old post, but I can very much relate! Like your blog, keep writing :)

8:34 PM 
Blogger jana said...

@Leaflove, thanks :) Totally appreciate that :)

9:05 PM 

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