Monday, July 18, 2011
Where I Eat My Previous Words
I guess I really should finally acknowledge properly what happened, in regards to the whole law school thing. It's kind of funny, how some of my semi-serious, semi-focused on my life entry was all about declaring that I was going to continue my studies in law school. Then probably about a week or two later, I find myself standing in front of my blockmates, telling them that that Saturday was my last day as a law student.
I disappointed a lot of people, and I think I crushed the heck out my parents hearts. But most of all, I disappointed myself. Well a part of myself anyway, because the other bigger part, the part that made me quit in the first place, was so happy at being free finally that it was just dancing with joy the moment I exited the door of that class and closing it behind me both in reality and in my mind for good.
Still, there was the disappointed part.
To be a lawyer was my dream. Ever since I watched Ally McBeal and became a part of the debate team back in highschool. Even after I finished Bible College, and trained myself to be a missionary, I still wanted to be a lawyer. I told myself that I was going to use my lawyer-ness, so that I could into countries and help more people. But I really just wanted to be a lawyer.
The part of me that wanted that was really quiet during that month of torture. In fact it didn't even make much of a fuss when I was quitting. Even now, all it's ever done was to just mope around like the sad, useless person that it is.
I want to ask her so many things. Where were you when I was having such a hard time? Where were you when my values in life were being questioned? Where were you when I had wanted to give up? Why didn't you stop me? You were the reason I entered law school in the first place, because you wouldn't shut up. You were so excited when I got in! You were so happy when I passed! Then you suddenly abandon me when I needed you the most?
But all she does is remain silent, and disappointed.
Disappointed because she didn't get to be a lawyer? Maybe. But she's also disappointed that though she really wanted to be a lawyer in the beginning, she also soon discovered that it was not the life she wanted to lead.
I wanted to be a lawyer so bad, and for that one month that I was in law school, I realized that no, if this is what lawyers do and what lawyers have to face, and if this is how lawyers should react to the cases and how they ought to treat people, then no, I discovered that being a lawyer was not meant for me after all.
It wasn't hard to be a law student. Sure you don't get enough sleep, and sure you face teachers who think that scaring you until you pee in place is a good teaching method. But study wise? The material? It wasn't that hard. Reading all the cases was tedious and tiring, but it wasn't hard to understand. So I'd like to think it wasn't because it was so hard that I decided to give up, at least just to pacify my bruised ego.
Disappointed me is mostly just that. Disappointed, not that I quit but that I actually had the idea to quit. Disappointed that the dream I've had ever since I was a high school student wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Disappointed to discover that when the rose-colored glasses came of, there was nothing else that was anchoring me to stay in the world of law.
Other than pride.
Pride was the only reason I could give for me to stay. I told so many people that I was going to be a lawyer with a cause to fight for. I was puffed up, every time anyone would congratulate me on getting into the top law school in the country. My head grew bigger at every opportunity, every compliment, every awe and smile that why yes Jana, you're going to be a lawyer now! I hadn't even finished law school, and already there were so many claiming that I was going to be their lawyer, that they were going to be my clients. I welled up every time my parents would boast about me to my other relatives, relatives who always questioned my decision to study in a Bible College, and knowing that they too are proud of me because I was going to be the first lawyer in the family.
But I can't live on pride alone.
And pride was all I had in law school.
So yeah, I quit law school, because what else could I do? The first week in, I already knew that I was going to hate being a lawyer, and that feeling never died. I hated being a lawyer, and I hated that I was spending all this time, FOUR LONG YEARS, in studying something that I had already told myself that I would never practice.
Not because I couldn't do it, though I guess you can say that. But it's mostly because I didn't want to do it. So now what? Well if you must know, I'm trying to get a job, because I want to study some more. Study something that I really want to do in my life. I want to be exposed to the things that I chose to be in college. I wanted to be a part of something that gave me passion, and gave me purpose and I only felt that when I was training myself to be a missionary.
So there you have it.
Accept it or not, but that's basically why I quit law school.
Lotsa love, Jana