Books, Among Other Things
Did I ever tell you that I was on a holiday for a year?
I mean, if you didn't count that somewhat more or less a month stay at the place I will now refer to as THE WORST DECISION I'VE MADE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AS AN ACADEMIC STUDENT THOUGH NOT AS A PERSON BECAUSE I MET MANY COOL AND AWESOME PEOPLE BUT I REALLY DID NOT LIKE LAW SCHOOL OKAY? And believe me, even I don't count it as actual studying.
I think I've mentioned this once, twice, or even probably a gazillion times before, but I was never one for long vacations. I'm a bum, sure, but I didn't like it. So this was actual torture for me, because even though I looked like I was enjoying it, I mean who wouldn't enjoy no pressure, the sleep-wake-eat-sleep lifestyle, and the non-stop amount of TV I've been having, I really was not.
Every single day I was growing restless.
By the second month, I wanted something to do.
But nothing ever stuck. And so I was forced (yeah, yeah) to bum it out. Like Sherlock, I really didn't know what I should do. BUT UNLIKE SHERLOCK, I didn't hop around like demented bunny but instead slept whenever I can, because that's just how I roll.
And now, well in a week's time, classes will start. I've already received a (LEGAL) copy of my books for the semester. I'm devouring them, as we speak.
Well, maybe not literally, but you get the picture.
And I can't wait. Now, I'm being demented Sherlock bunny, and I regret absolutely nothing. I figure it's the adrenaline rush, and soon enough I will wish for the vacation to start again.
But I've known myself for years now.
I'm always happier when I've got something to do.
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
Where I Eat My Previous Words
Yummy.
I guess I really should finally acknowledge properly what happened, in regards to the whole law school thing. It's kind of funny, how some of my semi-serious, semi-focused on my life entry was all about declaring that I was going to continue my studies in law school. Then probably about a week or two later, I find myself standing in front of my blockmates, telling them that that Saturday was my last day as a law student.
I disappointed a lot of people, and I think I crushed the heck out my parents hearts. But most of all, I disappointed myself. Well a part of myself anyway, because the other bigger part, the part that made me quit in the first place, was so happy at being free finally that it was just dancing with joy the moment I exited the door of that class and closing it behind me both in reality and in my mind for good.
Still, there was the disappointed part.
To be a lawyer was my dream. Ever since I watched Ally McBeal and became a part of the debate team back in highschool. Even after I finished Bible College, and trained myself to be a missionary, I still wanted to be a lawyer. I told myself that I was going to use my lawyer-ness, so that I could into countries and help more people. But I really just wanted to be a lawyer.
The part of me that wanted that was really quiet during that month of torture. In fact it didn't even make much of a fuss when I was quitting. Even now, all it's ever done was to just mope around like the sad, useless person that it is.
I want to ask her so many things. Where were you when I was having such a hard time? Where were you when my values in life were being questioned? Where were you when I had wanted to give up? Why didn't you stop me? You were the reason I entered law school in the first place, because you wouldn't shut up. You were so excited when I got in! You were so happy when I passed! Then you suddenly abandon me when I needed you the most?
But all she does is remain silent, and disappointed.
Disappointed because she didn't get to be a lawyer? Maybe. But she's also disappointed that though she really wanted to be a lawyer in the beginning, she also soon discovered that it was not the life she wanted to lead.
I wanted to be a lawyer so bad, and for that one month that I was in law school, I realized that no, if this is what lawyers do and what lawyers have to face, and if this is how lawyers should react to the cases and how they ought to treat people, then no, I discovered that being a lawyer was not meant for me after all.
It wasn't hard to be a law student. Sure you don't get enough sleep, and sure you face teachers who think that scaring you until you pee in place is a good teaching method. But study wise? The material? It wasn't that hard. Reading all the cases was tedious and tiring, but it wasn't hard to understand. So I'd like to think it wasn't because it was so hard that I decided to give up, at least just to pacify my bruised ego.
Disappointed me is mostly just that. Disappointed, not that I quit but that I actually had the idea to quit. Disappointed that the dream I've had ever since I was a high school student wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Disappointed to discover that when the rose-colored glasses came of, there was nothing else that was anchoring me to stay in the world of law.
Other than pride.
Pride was the only reason I could give for me to stay. I told so many people that I was going to be a lawyer with a cause to fight for. I was puffed up, every time anyone would congratulate me on getting into the top law school in the country. My head grew bigger at every opportunity, every compliment, every awe and smile that why yes Jana, you're going to be a lawyer now! I hadn't even finished law school, and already there were so many claiming that I was going to be their lawyer, that they were going to be my clients. I welled up every time my parents would boast about me to my other relatives, relatives who always questioned my decision to study in a Bible College, and knowing that they too are proud of me because I was going to be the first lawyer in the family.
But I can't live on pride alone.
And pride was all I had in law school.
So yeah, I quit law school, because what else could I do? The first week in, I already knew that I was going to hate being a lawyer, and that feeling never died. I hated being a lawyer, and I hated that I was spending all this time, FOUR LONG YEARS, in studying something that I had already told myself that I would never practice.
I quit.
Not because I couldn't do it, though I guess you can say that. But it's mostly because I didn't want to do it. So now what? Well if you must know, I'm trying to get a job, because I want to study some more. Study something that I really want to do in my life. I want to be exposed to the things that I chose to be in college. I wanted to be a part of something that gave me passion, and gave me purpose and I only felt that when I was training myself to be a missionary.
So there you have it.
Accept it or not, but that's basically why I quit law school.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Schoolingness
Law School Blues
I hate being stressed out.
Honestly, I'm a pretty laid back lady. I prefer doing things on my own pace, and just enjoying life as it comes day by day. Life's too short, is what I always say, and to spend it with a stick up one's behind is waste life. I'm all up for working hard, and having goals, and dreams, and stuff like that, but if one isn't happy, then why must one continue on a path that only makes them miserable?
So I spent most of my life that way, and in fact that's how I spent five years of my college life. It was just me, enjoying my studies, loving it for what it is. It was hard, but I had fun. Why? Because I loved every single moment of it. I loved every single knowledge of information that I'm getting while I'm studying because Theology had become my true love.
Now that I've graduated, I decided to branch out and to try out a new area in my life. I embarked on the legal side of the planet. Law School was my next step. Before school got started, people already told me to be afraid. That it would be unlike anything you have ever experienced in your entire life. That there would be sleepless nights, and that there would stressful days.
I guess I let it color my life.
First few weeks of law school was hell on earth. I hated it with such a passion that I didn't know existed within me. I felt like I was stuck in highschool all over again. I questioned myself, telling myself that this couldn't possibly be the right path for me. I compared it to my undergrad years, and Law School always seemed to fall short of every expectation of happiness for me.
Three weeks, and I had decided maybe quitting right now, wouldn't be such a bad idea. Sure people are going to talk, and they're going to say aww poor baby, couldn't handle the pressure, and I would be fine, because I knew I would be happy. I hated the long hours of reading, and the digesting of the cases. I hated that I didn't seem to have the time to be laid back and to have things at my own pace. I thought I would enjoy studying about law, but the pressure is just too much.
I grew jealous of the rest of my batchmates, who had their life so easy. Some were working, some are taking licensure exams, and some are even getting married. They're moving forward with their life. Me? I'm still stuck in school.
Last night, I watched this movie called 3 Idiots.
It's a great movie about life, friendship and love. But what struck me most during the entire thing was how the movie dealt with the topic of education. From the leading man I learned three things:
- Aal izz well - that the heart is an idiot, so when you're feeling the pressure all around you, tell it that aal izz well. It doesn't solve anything, but it'll give you the courage to face your fears.
- This is college - not a pressure cooker, so why should I let myself be pressured by fear of the frantic race? Even a circus lion learns to sit on a chair in fear of the whip, but you call such a lion "well-trained" and not "well-educated".
- Follow excellence - and success will chase you, pants down. I'll study my heart out, but not because I want good grades. I'll study to be accomplished, and not affluent.
Because of this movie, I realized that yes, I do love where I am. I love learning about law, and it's something that I've always had the passion for. I love that in the end, I would be able to help people. People who couldn't help themselves, and I knew deep down, I love that this is what I'm learning to do.
So, now, like Raju Rastogi, I'm not going to let fear decide my future. I'm not going to let the pressure get to me. I'm not going to let the stress of money, readings, cases, professors affect me anymore. Pass, fail, excel or even barely survive, it's not the issue anymore.
I want to study because I want to learn.
Aal izz well, people.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
Alumna
A season ending is a funny thing.
Bonus love points if you can spot me ;)
It's hard to think that I've finally graduated from college. That I, Jana Glaiza C. Macabali, am now a bachelor's degree holder; a college graduate. Admittedly, I don't feel any different. I still feel like the same 17 year old girl, first stepping into the College, all excited and scared.
Look at me, all smiles and happiness :D
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad. Of course, I'm sad. I've spent 5 years in that college. To leave it and not feel anything would seem like I'm an actual robot. I met some amazing people in that college. The moment that I rode that MRT ride home from our Seniors' outing, alone, knowing that on Monday we won't be seeing each other anymore for classes. That moment? That moment crushed so hard, and I was just sitting there all mopey and depressed.
But I am excited. I'm excited for what this new season is going to bring me. Just as I was excited that I was finally leaving Brunei, and exploring the world of college in the Philippines; I feel just as excited leaving the world of FEBIAS College of Bible, a.k.a. the College, and entering a whole new world of the University of the Philippines, henceforth now known as Law School, and learning about it.
There is one thing that's different though.
Back then, I was so excited to leave Brunei, with it's bad memories and it's general horribleness with only a pinch of happiness, but now I'm only slightly excited to leave the College, with it's great memories and it's general awesomeness with only a pinch of sadness.
I'm happy that I managed to get into Law School, but know this. I may be a UP student now, but I will always be a FEBIAS-student-alumna by choice, heart, and home.
Being all cool with my shades and the wind in my hair
See you all in the future, it's going to be a blast.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Olden days, Philip Of Pines, Schoolingness
Law School, Really?
Click for the bigger the picture and to see my name :)Here it is.
The proof that I got into a very prestigious law school. In fact it's THE law school of the country. The state university. The University of the Philippines. Out of three thousand students, 218 were chosen and I was one of them. But, weirdly? I still haven't completely accepted it yet.
Not because I don't want to enter the school but because I still can't believe it. Until now, it hasn't sunk in. I can't even get myself excited or even scared for the horror stories because I keep thinking that the next time I check, my name isn't going to be there.
But it's there.
My name is always there every single time I check.
I can't believe I'm going to law school, and I can't believe that I even got accepted at the University of the Philippines. Out of the three thousand students who took the LAE, only 218 were chosen, and I was one of them. Oh I'm sorry, have I said that before? I'm dreadfully sorry, but I still can't get over it, sorry.
...
Actually, I'm just scared.
I'm freaked out, but I'm also quite excited.
Maybe that's why I still can't get it until now.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
Why I Try Not To Think Too Much
I've been spending way too much time thinking about Korean dramas and Psych.
(Psych is awesome so therefore it gets it's own category in my head as other important thoughts, sometimes maybe even more. Do I regret spending that much time thinking about Psych, and not on other things? Of course not.)
I've been thinking about it so much that I haven't even realized that dude, it about a couple of months, I'm going to stop being a Senior student, and then I'm going to graduate and then, and then, and then I'm darn scared of what's going to happen in the future.
It's like the Future is creeping up on me and ready to pounce, as if I haven't prepared for it at all. But the things is, I have. I already know what I'm going to take after this, and I pretty much know where I want to take it. I've made plans, followed through on some of them to make sure they happen. Paid up a few things and studies a few ideas here and there.
So why do I feel so unprepared?
Why do I feel as excited as bunny that it's coming oh so soon, and yet scared as a mouse at the prospect of facing my life after college? This is like graduating from high-school all over again. I know, I know I'll settle in as soon as I can after a while, but it was so hard to get used to college, and now I have to get used to university life in a couple of months time?
Also, is it just me, but why does it feel like I've been studying since forever?
Graah.
Now I remember why I don't think too much about these things, and just spend time thinking about fictional stuff. It's because no matter how messy it gets over there, at least I know that they're probably going to end up happily ever-after.
Not so sure about my own life.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Philip Of Pines, Schoolingness
I Emerge!
I woke up feeling less pessimistic about life and more than expectant of spending my free time, or whatever that short span of time that the college decides to allow me to have as my own, watching new stuff that I've downloaded. Especially since I've found, to my heart's utter delight a complete collection of this:
GENSOMADEN SAIYUKI!!
Ah, that brings back such fond memories of waiting for it's release every week at a near CD store, the hours spent with my best friend,
Jam, and my brother watching it, and who couldn't remember all of those notebooks filled with the latest installation of the fanfics by yours truly in preparation to be typed and uploaded in a fanfic forum (and may I just say back then, I was one of the most active and most read fanfic writers in the place? Humble, I am not, for I was really proud of that work)? Great and fond memories. Of course who could ever forget my obsession for this guy:
SHA GOJYO!
I remember printing pictures of him and "laminating" it with plastic notebook covers and an excessive use of tape. I was young and stupid, and I kept those pictures in my wallet for such a long time. He was always easier to like than real actors because you don't have to read about them falling apart because of whatever is going on in their real life. Hahahah, ah fun, fun, fun times. It made life as a high school student not so tedious.
It totally made my day, knowing that I finally have the complete ULTIMATE collection of this story to watch. It makes these dreary days less dreary.
Plus, Sha Gojyo, now that man is allowed to have long hair.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
It Is
Before the year started, I had a feeling that 2010 was going to be of my best years.
Halfway through, it's been the best one yet. I know it's too early to tell, but I think it's just going to get better. I mean yeah, there have been some crappy days, but the great days always make up for it. So much that I've already forgotten those crappy days filled with crappy reasons.
There is this one crappy event recently, but I am in no mood to dwell upon extended family issues, because I've long accepted the fact that extended family, aren't really the greatest people for me to rely on.
I do apologize for not having updated in a while.
But, not like anyone ever really reads this site anyway.
Things have been going great. School is good. Friends are good. Immediate Family is good. Turtle is always goooooood. Everything is basically on the enjoyment level of gooooood. I even have a great way to spend my free time.
Will probably update when things go topsy-turvy again.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
A Letter To Life
Dear Life,
You've been really nice to me lately.
I mean I know honestly, you've been really crappy about a year ago, but this year? Man this year you've been amazing. I mean, it's only been a couple of months into Twenty-Ten, but to this day I still believe you're going to be amazing.
Especially since I just found out that I got a grade in a certain subject that I was so sure that I was going to flunk and completely lose my scholarship, but I didn't flunk it! I thank God that I managed to get the proper grade that I needed! You, Life, don't hate me after all, don't you? You know you love me? Yeah, you do!
Also just look at what's going to happen after ten days? I mean, I can honestly say that this is going to be best vacations I'm ever going to have. Come on, three whole weeks with the Turtle? We could fight every single day over some silly, silly argument, and still just the fact that I'm with him for three weeks only means that this is the best vacation I'm going to have to date.
So not only am I going on my best vacation ever, after said vacation, I'm also going to be on my last year as college student, which is something I've been looking forward for about four freaking years! I just know that even though this year is probably going to be tiring, busy, scary, freaky, and might just be a tad sad-y, I just know that it's going to be happy and filled with all kinds of fun.
So, Life, thank you.
Don't go all downhill on me now alright?
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
The One With a lot of Entries
It's been a while.
I have so much to tell you, pumpkin pies, that it is just so unbelievable that I haven't said anything yet. Okay, actually it is believable since I have no stable internet connection since the vacation started, but let me make up for it by boring you with entries, upon entries of boring updates about me, yay!
Boring Entry #1
A.K.A. The One Where I Talk About a Happy Valentine's Date with the Turtle!
Or rather just show it to you with two pictures:
This was what we looked like four years ago during Valentine's day. We weren't dating then, but he and I already had... this weird thing for each other, and besides I couldn't find a picture of what we looked like during the Valentine's we were together... except for you know... this year:
Yeah I know we gained a ton of weight, and we've changed a whole lot since then, but one thing remains the same, and I know it will never change:
You will always be my valentine.
Boring Entry #2
A.K.A. The One Where I Talk About My Much Awaited and Much Postponed Anniversary Date with the Turtle!
It's been exactly three years, and sixteen days, since he first told me he loved me and I realized I couldn't possibly love anyone else.
Okay, so the anniversary had to be postponed because we were at the College then, and it was the year end week filled with year end activities, therefore we couldn't really date or anything.
Anyway, on our date, he bought me this really nice silver necklace with a tiny cross for a pendant, and it was gorgeous. I bought him a pair of shorts. Personally, I think he got the short end of the stick, but seriously he really liked the pair of shorts that I got him, and I was like oookaaay, if that's what you really want.
We're both happy, and though he didn't cook for me this year, we had a blast on our late third anniversary date.
I love him just as much I did three years ago, maybe even more; true story.
Boring Entry #3
A.K.A. The One Where I Don't Mention the Turtle in Any Other Sentence Besides This!
I got this sweet new Vaio Netbook:
If it was ever possible to be in love with a gadget, I would propose and elope with this baby in a land far, far away. It is gorgeous in pictures and it is just as gorgeous when you're cradling it on your own palms.
Her name is Princess Vaiola; once again, true story.
Boring Entry #4
A.K.A. The One Where I Try Really Hard Not To Talk About the Turtle Again, and Fail!
Dude!
I am like so unbelievably excited for our 3 week trip to Brunei, where I spend said three weeks, with family, old Brunei friends and (especially happy about this one) the Turtle!
Three whole weeks!
It's the first time we get to travel abroad together, it's his first time to ever get to ride a plane, and it's the first time I get to spend three whole weeks together with him!
Can you feel me bursting with joy and energy here?
...
And that's all folks!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est, Olden days, Schoolingness
Sleepless Nights
Something about vacations really screws me up.
It screws up with my body clock, and I find that I am suddenly, even after months and months of not doing so, unable to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. In fact almost every day of every vacation I find myself sleeping at wee hour of the early morning, and sleeping in during the ungodly time of Eons After Lunch-PM.
It also screws up with my need to take pictures, and by saying that, I mean there's this incessant need to take pictures whenever (by that I mean in the middle of the night when everyone ought to be sleeping), and no matter what the situation (and by that I mean even though I look like a total turd) of myself (and by that I just really mean by myself).
And that's when I noticed the puffy eyes! And how it made me look drunk! Needless to say I had to change this! And so I did!
I decided that in order to help me sleep, I shall use the wonderful technology of the Eye Gel Mask (insert TADAH! sounds here). Of course because of aforementioned screwy vacation, I still felt the need to capture this moment with a picture
I have named it, because I like naming things:
Puffy, the Eyebag Killer!
And only because it sounds cooler than Eye Gel Mask.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
The New Top Ten
A numbered list of my thoughts for the past moments of my life, because I find no other way to express such thoughts in an orderly manner due to the fact that they are neither orderly or well-mannered; they are rude thoughts, and by rude I do not mean rude in content but I mean rudely messy running over without pattern and just jumping all kinds of lines, those rude lines of thoughts.
Ahem, so anyway:
- I am sick and tired of having to wake up every morning with sniffles. What is up with that? Am I fundamentally sick, every single morning, and if I am, why?
- I am late in almost all of my personal deadlines, and I'm somewhat too lazy to do anything about it
- I do not know what to do with my novel and it's just sitting there, as a saved file in my laptop, unedited.
- I've decided to try the no-rice diet for a week, see how that works for me.
- Though, at the moment, I'm hungry and craving for some rice.
- I have just discovered The Big Bang Theory and literally after a few minutes into the show, I already love Sheldon. Planning on checking out How I Met Your Mother, for others are saying that it is just as girmazing.
- Your good-byes are useless because there's nothing good about your byes.
- I ate about three orders of Takoyaki in one day because of the craving I had for the Takoyaki I had in Brunei. Bruneian Takoyaki wins over Filipino Takoyaki, hands and pants down.
- Me and the Turtle have started sharing a journal, where we both write in it. Hope that this would be a lasting activity that we can share. Shall update after a week.
- Still craving for some rice.
- Should have eaten a heavier lunch, like maybe something with seafood and noodles or whatever.
- I am also currently in love with Shawn Spencer of the show Psych.
- That is it, I am going to go and grab me some noodles or whatever.
- I hate the number 13, I do not know why.
And remember: top fourteen is the new top ten.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Olden days, Philip Of Pines, Schoolingness
The Happy Pessimist
It's exam week.
I would go into the regular rant on how exams are eating me alive and that I have no life to speak of this week, but I am far, far too happy to talk about a depressing topic, no matter obligatory said rant is supposed to be, so can we please just pretend that I spent this whole paragraph right here talking about said none-life-ness and just skip that completely?
Ahem, ahem.
I have such a great expectation this week, but I can't really blurt it out because I might jinx it in some way or the other and then when it doesn't happen, all of the happy situations and plans that I would have shared here would be nothing but a painful reminder of an expectation gone awry.
But I am happy.
Happier than I've been for weeks, and probably months. Which is, well, not really saying that much because have you seen how suck-y my life has been lately? I think I deserve a break of some sort, don't you agree?
Of course you agree, because you love me.
I've been spending a lot of time to myself, and unlike my high-school years, I am not spending that time to myself crying, whining, and cutting myself uselessly. Rare, and unbelievable as it is to believe, I am enjoying the time to myself, and would have preferred to spending hours and hours all to myself.
It's like I just want to be holed up somewhere without any connection to anyone in the world (except the Turtle, because the Turtle is the exception in almost any of my rules in life, mood, and other things... oh and maybe my nuclear family too, because I love them too much to completely avoid them). I just want to be alone, and not because I'm depressed, but because it's making me happy in the midst of situations that have made me incredibly sad for the past few weeks.
Quoting a friend of mine who answered another friend of mine who asked if I was angry and depressed at the moment: Jana's been angry and depressed for about a year now.
A great exaggeration, I admit. But I have been really negatively affected by a whole lot of issues in this world, and by world I mean the College, and it is only by spending time by myself (or with the Turtle, or with the family), that I get a breather where an inkling of happiness appears before I'm shoved back into the real world.
Therefore I'd like to postpone the real world for a while.
So if anyone's looking for me, I'm the girl who is currently trying to get herself stuck in her own world before someone violently grabs and pulls me out of it, pushing me right back into the real world of pain and suffering.
Don't believe the hype, it's the pessimists that actually have the real fun in life, because we're either right or pleasantly surprised.
I don't know how to end this entry.
The end?
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
Christmas For Christ Musicale
Ever Dearest Pumpkin pies of the Philip of Pines,
You are all cordially invited to attend a Christmas Musicale hosted by FEBIAS College of Bible (a.k.a. as the College in my other entries), through the Student Missionary Fellowship. It will happen on December 3 and 4 of the year 2009. Admittance is completely free.
And this is how to get there!
If you love me, you'll be there.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Schoolingness
Realization
This is a long overdue realization.
I have been fighting with Turtle a lot these past few weeks, and every time we fight, I'd be all emotional, and annoyed, and if I was allowed to swear, I'd probably be swearing at myself and sometimes at him too. Then I'd cool down and he would talk to me in his calming manner, and then I'd realize that it wasn't that big of a deal anymore and I'd prefer to end the day being ok with him, and he always makes sure we end the day like so.
Well, today, as I was talking to a bunch of my friends about how they treat their girlfriends. And they were sharing how they make sure their girlfriends are the ones to say sorry in a fight, and how they will never lower their pride because they're the male figure in the relationship, and how sometimes a girl just overreacts in so many little things that they will never tolerate, and when I listen to the very
valid reasons as to why the girl is angry at them, I think. And I start thinking really hard.
Then that's when I realized a very valuable thing; a valuable thing that I forget sometimes in the heat for an argument:
My Turtle is the best boyfriend in the entire world.
Do you know how thankful I am to have this man in my life? Sure, I say a bunch of stuff that hurt him, and there are a lot of times where I get unreasonable, and sometimes he really is at fault, however perfect for me he may be. However, and that's a pretty big however, I would never, ever trade my relationship with him, with any of the boys here at the college.
A guy friend once said that he and his girlfriend hardly ever fight, and I think but when they do fight it's usually never resolved, and it lasts for so long, and you know what? I think I prefer fighting all the time, and resolving it within an hour, because at least I know we resolve it.
Whatever did I do to deserve such Turtle as him for a boyfriend, I will never, ever know, and even if I did, I'd probably still think I am still the most blessed person on this world to ever have this guy as my future partner-in-crime for the rest of my life.
I love you with all my heart could afford to love.
Lovingly yours, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est, Schoolingness
Some Weird Entry That Makes No Sense
This but the beginning.
Last night, we saw a change, and we hope it's going to be the first of many, many changes. We hope that it won't end here, for we believe that finally, finally, after all the tears, fears, and indifference, it will all be over, and I just hope that I'll be there to see it end.
And when it does?
All the angry looks, all the sacrifices, all those cold shoulders, all those pointed words, all those double-edged meaning-filled messages, all of those would have been worth it. It would have been worth it. It would be so worth it.
We pray, and we hope.
And then we continue to fight.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
New-some
I cut my hair.
Like really short.
Like I just turned myself into a young emo boy, and the only things I'm missing are the eyeliners, the tight pants, the depressing tunes, and cut-scars on my arm.
And I absolutely, positively,
love how I look. It's like I've always been jealous of the emo-boys that I've seen hanging out the mall and their cool hair are always so very cool, and I've always wanted to have some form of it, and now? Now? I have the hair that somewhat looks just like it, and
I love it.
In other news, did I mention that our semestral break is over? Did I even mention that we had a semestral break? Did we even have a semestral break? Do those even exist nowadays? I mean this whole one-week somewhat of a break sped by so fast that here I am, still getting on my rest till whenever I want, and just when I'm comfortable, school slaps me in the face and says: "Hey, you lazy comfortable girl, it's time for class!"
Ah well, new semester equals new hair?
I can only say: Yay!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
Why Am I a Missionary?
I'm on my fourth year at this college.
I bet not many of those who accidentally read this know that I'm studying in a BIBLE college where I am training to become a missionary. Yes, yes, it's like training to become a nun, but we have different beliefs when it comes to our
theology and unlike those brave, self-controlled people, I am still allowed to fall in love and get married.
Though love and getting married is a great topic to rant about, this rant is not about the joys and pains of love. Nope, this is about my chosen path to take, the questions of why I chose it, if I ever regretted my choices, and what the heck am I still doing here?
Let's resume this rant, shall we?
When I was a wee bit little girl, having just graduated from high-school, there was this weird burning in my heart, not at all like heartburn, but something you can't explain without using those very words; burning of the heart or heartburn. I wanted to become a missionary. I wanted to learn about God, and I wanted to tell those who didn't get the chance to know about Jesus and to be given the choice. I don't care much for those who have rejected him already, because hey it's
your choice if you don't want to believe in my beliefs. What I do care about is bringing the choice to those who never had the chance to choose. For me, that's what it means to be a missionary.
And that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
I could have been a journalist, what with my penchant for liking to write about whatever and giving insights to people who don't really want it, and I could have been
great at it. I could have been a lawyer, since I could argue till my face is red, then blue and then I would argue some more until you are forced to agree with me cause that's the only way you'll get me to
shut up.
But no.
I decided I wanted to become a missionary.
Was it the right choice?
Though my immediate family were nothing but supportive with my chosen future vocation, my extended family was not as kind. There were always snide remarks of me wasting my time, my future, my gifts at being essentially witty and sarcastic which people can mistake for some form of intelligence, and most of all, they all claim that not only am I wasting money on this endeavor, I was probably never going to get rich enough to help myself let alone my ever supportive immediate family when they need me, and I was probably going to rely on them for monetary support for the rest of my life. Encouraging, huh?
Did I ever regret my choice?
Sometimes, when people ask me what course I'm taking, something clogs up my throat, and instead of proudly telling them that I'm training to become a missionary, I mumble something about taking up theology, hoping that that is too big a word for them to actually know what it means, and that they're too proud enough to not bother asking what that means. Why? I could say it's because it gets tiring explaining all the how, why, and what the heck were you thinking questions that inevitably pops up. I refuse to say I am ashamed, so I won't. Not because the feeling doesn't come up every now and then, but because I refuse to even give it a foothold in my heart, so I just brush it aside and scrub it out of my brain.
So what am I still doing here?
Because that burning sensation in my heart? Yeah that heartburn that isn't heartburn at all? It's still there. And I want nothing more than to become a missionary, to serve God in any land far away where the choice to choose is not available to them. To this very day, even in the face of discouraging people, situations, questions, judgments, if I have known everything that I know now before I made my choice to become a missionary, I know deep in my gut that I would still choose to become one. Sure, I may have wondered what it would be like to be a famous writer, famous lawyer, famous person earning big bucks to support those whom I love, but I have never regretted my choice to become what I am training to be today.
I'd give up the whole world, my friends, my family, my fame, my pride, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my money, my name, God help me, even my boyfriend, if that's what it requires to become what God wants me to be.
Why am I a missionary?
Because that's the only kind of person I was meant to be.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Je, Kuya, Love at its janajee-est, Schoolingness
Blood and Sparkles
So I did something new this week.
What would that be, you ask, my dear pumpkin pies? Well, it's something I've never, ever, done in my entire life, breathing and living on this planet. The college had a blood donation drive at the clinic last Thursday and so, you see, I took the liberty of letting some lady stick a needle into one of my veins...
Letting her take
this whole big bag-full of blood from my body.
And now I'm a member of the
People Who Give Blood Club.
...
Though I have to admit that the whole time my blood was being taken to help some poor person who might need a whole bag-full of my blood, all I could think of, was Sparkly Edward's pouting face, or what substitutes as pouting for said sparkly being. I can't say it wasn't a pleasant experience because even though I hated the sparkly being's guts, the sending of negative thoughts towards aforementioned sparkly being did take my mind off the the feeling of
my blood flowing out of my body into a bag.
A wonderful experience that I plan to repeat regularly.
Message to the pumpkin pies:Give blood, before those sparkling freaks suck it out of you!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
The One Where I Talk About Irresponsibility
Steps to irresponsibility are deliciously slow and painful when it ends.
I can feel it. It's a little twinge that says, sleep a little longer, read a little more, talk a little louder, cry a little easier, think a little too less, and be a little bit, a little bit more, and more lazy as time goes tick tocking by.
If you keep on feeding that twinge, it becomes a static cling, and finally it's a static charge that holds on to your very being, no matter how much you try to shake it off, you're too caught up with trying to catch up, but then it's too late, and bam next thing you know? You're dead.
Like a fax mail from the great beyond, telling me that you, Jana, are useless leader, and that you are becoming so much worse as a student and that you do not deserve to live, and that boom bada bing, you're a goner now, like you know... dead.
Dead, dead, dead, dead-y dead.
Hmm.
Also how does one go from serious discussion of irresponsibility to childish chants of dead-ness? This in itself is such a marvelous fact. I am truly a freak of nature.
Woot?
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
.JPG)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.JPG)
.JPG)
