Sunday, December 02, 2007


I'm going back home.

As I have barely mentioned earlier, I'm going back to Brunei in a couple of weeks time and I'm somewhat avoiding this topic, though when I compared last year's homecoming, besides the whole lameness that surrounded most of my entries back in the days of old, I was all ecstatic like. Words like I am so excited! I'm going home! Brunei!! Yay!! Home!! permeated almost every entry as the date of my flight draw ever so close.

Ten days. I'm going to be staying there for ten days and yes I've missed my family. I've missed hanging out with my Mom and just sitting on the dining table for hours and hours on end talking about past lives, success and failures. I miss just hugging my Dad and watching something really funny on TV, laughing out loud even though we've watched it more than ten times already. I miss staying up late with my brother and just talking and talking and talking until we realize dude, it's morning like we ought to get some sleep you know.

It's actually the friends that I'm somewhat at a loss for. I mean I really am scared that I've changed too much, and I have, to actually fit in with the people over there. I'm afraid I'll walk around the (only) mall and feel all nostalgic for the crowded and messy and very people-y malls of the Philip of Pines. I'm afraid that when I see a bunch of guys playing at the arcade and doing stuff like shooting hoops or something, I'll feel the pang for my barkada because they're the real deal guy friends ever. I'm afraid that when I go to the Youth Group back there, new people would greatly outweigh the old ones and I have to introduce myself all over again, when dude I was a part of this group two years ago and I did the whole standing up in front of people and introducing myself deal, back when the group was still small enough to do that.

I'm afraid that I've changed too much to actually belong. I've really grown to love the Philip of Pines, crowded and polluted and rebellious (coup de tat a couple of days ago and people didn't even blink because they were just so used to it) though it may be, it has its own charm. Brunei in my head has always been the perfect perception of home, but maybe the sheer reality will shatter it once I step foot on solid Brunei ground.

Or you know, maybe I haven't changed so much and maybe I will enjoy my ten day stay and maybe I will sit back and wonder how I ever thought I couldn't fit in back here.


Lotsa love, Jana

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