Monday, December 10, 2007

Wondering...

Once upon a time...

You know what, I don't want to with start that. Maybe I should just start with Back when time was young or maybe A long long time ago or I could use You know back when your mom and dad didn't exist yet and your grandparents were just wee little children... Yeah that could definitely catch attention, though of course not to be taken literally.

You know back when your mom and dad didn't exist yet and your grandparents were just wee little children there was a little girl who was lying in the hospital bed, asleep. Then suddenly, as if her body just realized that it was freezing cold, she woke up shaken from dreams of fire and fear and pain. The cold felt as if it was tearing right into her very being, pumped by her heart, running in her veins, replacing her own blood. She tried to go fetal position, to keep herself warm, but painfully realized that she's practically tied down in one place because of the tubes found connecting to her lungs and to the vein on her right hand.

She opens her mouth to ask for help, for someone to make the cold go away. It was way too too cold. Sounds escape her mouth, she felt like she was shouting but it didn't seem like she was for no one came to her rescue. She wasn't used to no one coming to help her. She was a smart girl and she knew no one could resist her when she asked for help. She was seven and cute, who could resist that? She waited a bit. Surely they would come. Surely they would. Minutes passed and no one came. It was still cold and she was still alone.

A tear falls and she felt a sharp sting of pain from where the salty drop splashed on her cheek. And she remembers why she was there in the first place. That nightmare of fire and pain, wasn't a nightmare after all.

Eleven years later, trying to overcome her insecurity from the scars that she suffered and fear of being alone and cold again, the not-so-little girl sits on a chair in a library in a college, reminiscing. If you ask her, if she would be given another chance would she allow herself as a child to go through that, she'll probably say no, I want something different. She's not gonna lie and tell you that she doesn't wonder what her life would be like if she weren't burnt in that accident all those years ago.

But she is happy with herself right now. Things are going well for her. She's got a full scholarship and a loving significant other. Her family loves her and she's got great friends to rely on whenever she needs it. And yet, she wonders and wonders what life would be like if that night never happened.

Is it wrong that she does?

I was just wondering.

Lotsa love, Jana

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5 Comments:

Blogger kittymurders said...

You... quickie here... that was really heartfelt haha!

Do flaunt yourself !XD Have to go noW!

6:11 PM 
Blogger jana said...

heartfelt? erm.. thanks.

2:10 PM 
Blogger Queen Sana said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:24 AM 
Blogger Queen Sana said...

It's not wrong, definitely not.

But remember not to colour in your perceptions with bright and shiny colours all the time, because it might not have happened that way.

The problem with speculation is it could JUST as easily have gone a totally different way.

Odds are, you'd have found another reason to be insecure about yourself, girls always seem to. There just isn't enough time in ALL the world for you to sift through each of those scenarios.

What if, for example, it hadn't been you? What if it wasn't fire? What if it came later in life? What if it never came at all? What if, and I quote Grandmother Willow here, the sky turned to fire and your nose fell off?

You really have come far, Jana, and this is from someone who barely knows you at all. Considering that you know yourself better than anyone, so revel in all those achievements, despite that horror. It's a part of who you are, at the end of the day

6:25 AM 
Blogger jana said...

to sana, i know. haha there are just times were a girl sits down and reminisces about life and then i feel somewhat guilty that i'm asking for more than what i've already got which is already so much more than what i've expected in this life.

9:45 AM 

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