Hey, I'm Actually Still Alive
When I was leaving for Korea, I had this feeling.
It's a feeling that's hard to describe in one word, so let me try a couple of run-on sentences. I felt like I was happy, so very happy, so very excited, like I couldn't possibly be flying to Korea now could I? Like is this really happening, like is this for real because this cannot be for real, because not once in my life have I ever thought I would fly to somewhere so far away, where I would be able to experience things that I have never experienced before, and everything is so new and pretty, and PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES. But at the same time, there's also this extreme sadness in my heart. Like am I really leaving everything I ever knew behind for a long time, is this really happening, is this really going to last for three years, and can I just get off the plane now? Can't I just go home now?
It's a mixture of heightened expectations of new experiences and a depression so deep that I didn't know my heart could reach that far.
I went on this new journey because I wanted to see who I was, who I truly was, when I was stripped away from everything that was ever used to define me. I was excited to learn new things, experience new things, build new friendships, and just have a wonderful time discovering who I am.
But then, there's this sadness of everything I have left behind. It's like my friends are purposely deciding to get married, graduate, have babies, etc. on the days I won't be there with them. And it sucks, because I want to be there. I want to see them.
More than even that is my family.
See, unlike a lot of teenagers and young adults I have met online, I'm actually really close with my family. I tell my mother everything, including things I probably shouldn't be sharing on a regular basis. If I suddenly disappear and you need to find me but NO ONE knows how to, you can ask my mother. Though I doubt she'll tell you. My brother is my best friend, and we agree on everything. Do you have this ginormous crush on my personality, but can't have me because I'm already taken? Here, have my brother, it's like having me, but as a guy. And my father? He is my king. He is kind and loving, and caring, and rules with an iron fist of love. He is goofy and quiet all the same time. He is mystery wrapped in enigma. He is my father.
And I love them so much.
And I miss them so much.
And even then there's my Turtle. The love of my life, and my partner-in-crime. He is my opposite in every way, so we mesh in every possible way as well. He is the silent type and I am so loud I can speak your ears off. He is the strong foundation, and I'm the... well maybe I'm the curtains in the window that blows flimsily, every which way. He grounds me, and I make sure he has adventures every now and then.
And can I just go home now?
But I know I can't. I know that there was a reason I left. I wanted to learn to become independent. To be on my own and to be strong enough. I wanted to learn to be complete on my own and to know what it's like to only rely on myself (and God of course, duh). And yeah it's hard. Is anything worthy ever really easy?
So I'm going to suck it in, and push forward.
It is just the third day after all, and I'm probably going to enjoy as much as I possibly can. In the end, three years will be over, and I'll come home permanently.
Till then, I can't wait.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est
Knight and Prince
Warning: This will be cheesy.
Every Sunday we see each other.
Even though I ought to be used to it by now, I still miss you every time Sunday ends, and from Monday to Saturday, I look forward to seeing your smile at seeing me walking down those steps. I don't know if you notice but I pretend that I'm not looking at you as I walk down, so that you won't feel awkward because your smile is as cheesy, as cheesy can be. It feels nice to know that someone is looking forward to you arriving so much that his face literally brightens when he sees you.
This Sunday, though, you were late. I was surprised because I was the one that was usually about ten to fifteen minutes late, and this time I was around thirty minutes late. In my head I was already preparing all the different ways I was going to apologize, but when I came down those steps, you weren't there.
I waited for five minutes, and you came running. I'm sorry to say this, and quite ashamed about it too, but I pretended to be really annoyed with you. In my head I was thinking what if I came early, and I waited for about... thirty-five minutes? But good thing, I didn't drag it too much. Plus you were sweet on the bus, baby you were giggling with me, that I just had to smile.
We ate dinner at a nearby McDonalds.
Call it creepy, but every time I took a spoon (forkful?) of spaghetti into my mouth, I took tiny glimpses of you. After three years, seven months and twenty-three days, I still could no believe that we're together. I still can't believe that looking at you still makes me smile, and that you looking at me and smiling still makes agitated butterflies in my stomach.
Darling, you are apparently still my prince.
My knight in shining armor.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
Where I Dream About Falcons and Dinosaurs
I woke up from a good nightmare today.
It had felt so real that the moment I woke up, I thought about it, and I cried about it for a little while. It was lame, and emotional, and blame it on the monthly visitor of blood, so yeah I cried about a stupid dream.
In my dream that was so real like, I'm in this loving relationship with my significant other, the Turtle. He was a falcon god (because nothing is more real than the love of your life turning into a bird every now and then, flying off to do important missions for the greater good of mankind). And we were happy.
But then I met a friend's brother. He was cute, and he was funny, and he made me smile all the time. In fact whenever my falcon god would fly away on his mission, he would always be there to accompany me. Always be there to make me feel awesome, when I missed the Turtle.
Soon enough, I felt myself falling for this friend's brother (who, for the life of me, I can't remember how he looked like, and even whose friend's brother he was supposed to be. All that was clear was that he had a slightly cute goatee). At a sleep over he pecked me on the cheek and told me he loved me.
Then a unlikely mailman came (well hello, Barney the Purple Dinosaur from my imagination, I should have realized I was dreaming when I saw you deliver that letter), with a letter shaped like a falcon, don't ask how, it was just falcon shaped. The letter only had four words:
"I love you more."
But the dream me knew that I loved someone else. It was no longer the falcon god. It was my friend's brother. And we, lamely, walked toward the sunset walking hands, while a falcon lay on the road behind us, crying in pain because of a broken heart.
I woke up.
And I thought about it.
I felt good during the dream.
But I felt good for all the wrong reasons.
I cried, mostly because I'm hormonally unhinged during the first two days of my monthly visitor, but partly because I hated my dream self for feeling good at cheating on the one person I love. I thought could this be possible? Would I ever actually do this to him? I hated the very thought of it.
As I cried, he called me.
Not the friend's brother, my falcon god called me, but this time he was just my normal significant other. And he proceeded to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh till my tears were no longer there and all I felt was contentment. No friend's brother could ever give me the kind of love my falcon god could give.
Any good dream that ends with me hurting my falcon god is never a dream worth repeating. It is nothing but a nightmare worth forgetting.
I love you my falcon god.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
It Is
Before the year started, I had a feeling that 2010 was going to be of my best years.
Halfway through, it's been the best one yet. I know it's too early to tell, but I think it's just going to get better. I mean yeah, there have been some crappy days, but the great days always make up for it. So much that I've already forgotten those crappy days filled with crappy reasons.
There is this one crappy event recently, but I am in no mood to dwell upon extended family issues, because I've long accepted the fact that extended family, aren't really the greatest people for me to rely on.
I do apologize for not having updated in a while.
But, not like anyone ever really reads this site anyway.
Things have been going great. School is good. Friends are good. Immediate Family is good. Turtle is always goooooood. Everything is basically on the enjoyment level of gooooood. I even have a great way to spend my free time.
Will probably update when things go topsy-turvy again.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
How was the Land of the Unexpected Treasures?
In one word: AWE-wait for it-SOME!
May I just say that it was the best vacation I have ever had. All the expectations, and patience, and whatever it was that I had to do to get to there, was worth it. Being there with my family, seeing my friends again, and being with him, the Turtle, definitely resulted in the best vacation ever known to someone like me.
It felt really great to hang out with the Turtle because it was his first time to be in Brunei. Do you know how great it feels to tour someone around the place you grew up to someone who has never been there? Well it feels great! Seeing him reacting to everything that I showed him like a happy kid, it made everything look brand new, and sparkly.
Being with my parents in Brunei too was wonderful. It has been two long years since we were together, as a complete family. I am just so glad that finally we got to go out together, eat at restaurants together, and have long conversations together.
I know I may not have been rather positive, whenever I talk about my past especially in regards to how it was back there during high school. I admit, it wasn't that great, but I learned a lot, and I met some pretty good best friends who I will treasure for life.
So I guess Brunei isn't such a bummer after all.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Olden days
Feelings and Thoughts
What have I been doing recently?
Well I've been spending most of the time surfing the internet, watching movies and old shows, and reading books and mangas, all in one combined and focused effort to waste seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks until it's finally time to fly off to the tiny, teeny, beautiful land of Brunei.
I cannot believe that it's only about four more days.
I'm so very excited, like I've got tingling in my bones because I'm finally going to come home after two long years, and I get to show the Turtle around, and it's going to be AMAZING.
But I shall stop boring you with another entry filled with EXCITEMENT at the prospect of spending THREE WHOLE WEEKS with the Turtle.
Ahem.
INSTEAD, I'll just bore you with a useless entry about what I feel about all of the stuff I've been doing lately to pass the time, because you know that's just SO MUCH BETTER.
...
Feelings and Thoughts Regarding Surfing the Internet:
Do you know just how beautiful the INTERNET is? It's like this treasure trove of all kinds of beautiful knowledge just waiting to be picked up and stored in some deep dark part of brain! It's also a great way to STALK people.
Most of the time when I surf the internet, I usually end up doing one of three things: Stalk people on Facebook, download some good things, or just catch up on some random trivia on Wikipedia. Oh who am I kidding? I DO ALL THOSE THINGS AT THE SAME TIME!
Especially the stalking, I do a lot of that.
It's a great way to waste time because not only are you learning stuff about random things as well as the life of your all of your friends, and even those you barely know or have never talked to... AHEM, anyway it's amazing because before you know it A WHOLE DAY HAS PASSED (and you're so much closer to the start of the best vacation of your life)!!!
...
Feelings and Thoughts Regarding Watching Movies
You know another great time waster?
Watching movies you love, like, have never heard off, and even those you're barely interested in but just had to watch because you felt sorry for it and you couldn't delete it unless you watched it type of movies.
YAY MOVIES!
But seriously though, you wanna waste time, you watch movies. You get sucked into their world whether you like it or not and you come out two hours later either overjoyed because you cannot believe how amazing a movie could be and you just wish so badly that you could have been there in that movie because it was just that good (SHERLOCK HOLMES FTW!!!) or annoyed for wasting your time on such a pathetic excuse for a movie and you cannot believe that people actually like this and then you realize the world has lost it (TWI-FREAKING-LIGHT) or you know just satisfied at least. But the fact remains two hours is gone like a blink of an eye.
Poof!
...
Feelings and Thoughts Regarding Watching Old Shows
You know I've been thinking, they really should bring back some old shows that were pretty awesome way back when, and could actually teach people the true meaning of GOOD QUALITY TV.
What with Twi-freaking-light taking over the big screen and turning normal teenagers into lovers of sparkling puff, what we need is a GREAT BIG DOSE of shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Just you know to slap them back to reality. They don't make shows like Buffy anymore.
AND FRIENDS, they should totally bring back FRIENDS.
Yeah that's all I got for this.
...
Feelings and Thoughts Regarding Reading
If you know me, you know that I love reading.
It's like my favorite hobby of all time. I can sit in one spot for one ENTIRE day, and just read and read and READ MYSELF TO DEATH, but you know I'd ask the Grim Reaper to wait just a wee bit more just so I can finish my book, and THEN HE COULD TAKE ME.
So yeah, I love reading.
So for a long time I've been reading mangas like One Piece, Fairy Tail, Liar Game, Full Metal Alchemist, Faster than a Kiss, Skip Beat and may I just say that reading stuff made by the Japs? REALLY COOL.
I've also just finished the first Camp Half-Blood series by Rick Riordan: Percy Jackson and the Olympians. MAY I JUST SAY WITH ALL CAPITAL LETTERS THAT IT WAS THE BOMB?! I know it's saying a lot but I totally loved those books.
It was like I was rediscovering my love for Greek Mythology all over again, and if you're like me, you'd know that Greek Mythology? Beats any kind of television drama EVER CREATED.
Wish the next series comes soon.
...
And that is all!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate
A Letter To Life
Dear Life,
You've been really nice to me lately.
I mean I know honestly, you've been really crappy about a year ago, but this year? Man this year you've been amazing. I mean, it's only been a couple of months into Twenty-Ten, but to this day I still believe you're going to be amazing.
Especially since I just found out that I got a grade in a certain subject that I was so sure that I was going to flunk and completely lose my scholarship, but I didn't flunk it! I thank God that I managed to get the proper grade that I needed! You, Life, don't hate me after all, don't you? You know you love me? Yeah, you do!
Also just look at what's going to happen after ten days? I mean, I can honestly say that this is going to be best vacations I'm ever going to have. Come on, three whole weeks with the Turtle? We could fight every single day over some silly, silly argument, and still just the fact that I'm with him for three weeks only means that this is the best vacation I'm going to have to date.
So not only am I going on my best vacation ever, after said vacation, I'm also going to be on my last year as college student, which is something I've been looking forward for about four freaking years! I just know that even though this year is probably going to be tiring, busy, scary, freaky, and might just be a tad sad-y, I just know that it's going to be happy and filled with all kinds of fun.
So, Life, thank you.
Don't go all downhill on me now alright?
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
Officially Going To Brunei
Today makes it official.
The Turtle is officially booked for his flight to the great, but teeny, tiny land of Brunei. I mean I've known for a long time that this was happening because we've been planning this vacation for ages, but tonight it's completely official because tonight his ticket has finally been booked.
I cannot believe we're going on a three-week vacation to the land where I grew up, and I'll be able to show him all the places that have become memorable to me (which will probably take about a day and a half because Brunei is that tiny) and he would get to meet all of my friends.
I'm so excited for it, I just had to say something you know?
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Philip Of Pines
The One With a lot of Entries
It's been a while.
I have so much to tell you, pumpkin pies, that it is just so unbelievable that I haven't said anything yet. Okay, actually it is believable since I have no stable internet connection since the vacation started, but let me make up for it by boring you with entries, upon entries of boring updates about me, yay!
Boring Entry #1
A.K.A. The One Where I Talk About a Happy Valentine's Date with the Turtle!
Or rather just show it to you with two pictures:
This was what we looked like four years ago during Valentine's day. We weren't dating then, but he and I already had... this weird thing for each other, and besides I couldn't find a picture of what we looked like during the Valentine's we were together... except for you know... this year:
Yeah I know we gained a ton of weight, and we've changed a whole lot since then, but one thing remains the same, and I know it will never change:
You will always be my valentine.
Boring Entry #2
A.K.A. The One Where I Talk About My Much Awaited and Much Postponed Anniversary Date with the Turtle!
It's been exactly three years, and sixteen days, since he first told me he loved me and I realized I couldn't possibly love anyone else.
Okay, so the anniversary had to be postponed because we were at the College then, and it was the year end week filled with year end activities, therefore we couldn't really date or anything.
Anyway, on our date, he bought me this really nice silver necklace with a tiny cross for a pendant, and it was gorgeous. I bought him a pair of shorts. Personally, I think he got the short end of the stick, but seriously he really liked the pair of shorts that I got him, and I was like oookaaay, if that's what you really want.
We're both happy, and though he didn't cook for me this year, we had a blast on our late third anniversary date.
I love him just as much I did three years ago, maybe even more; true story.
Boring Entry #3
A.K.A. The One Where I Don't Mention the Turtle in Any Other Sentence Besides This!
I got this sweet new Vaio Netbook:
If it was ever possible to be in love with a gadget, I would propose and elope with this baby in a land far, far away. It is gorgeous in pictures and it is just as gorgeous when you're cradling it on your own palms.
Her name is Princess Vaiola; once again, true story.
Boring Entry #4
A.K.A. The One Where I Try Really Hard Not To Talk About the Turtle Again, and Fail!
Dude!
I am like so unbelievably excited for our 3 week trip to Brunei, where I spend said three weeks, with family, old Brunei friends and (especially happy about this one) the Turtle!
Three whole weeks!
It's the first time we get to travel abroad together, it's his first time to ever get to ride a plane, and it's the first time I get to spend three whole weeks together with him!
Can you feel me bursting with joy and energy here?
...
And that's all folks!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est, Olden days, Schoolingness
Valentine Every Day
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Two days late, but happy hearts day to all!
Last year, I spent my Valentine's day with the Turtle, the first time ever I've spent with anyone. This year, we didn't get to meet because it just happened to have coincided on the day we were both busy on both ends of the Philippines, where meeting is impossible.
I could say I felt depressed, but I didn't.
He called me at 7 A.M. in the morning, and made sure I was side awake to hear him greet me, several times if I might add, happy valentines so that I won't forget and be angry with him for not greeting me.
The whole day was spent sending text messages filled with I love you's and I miss you's and what are you doing now and how you doing and all of that. I thought that he was being like this just because it's a special day, and I thought that was really sweet.
But then I realized something else.
He was like this, every single day, all the time. How could I only find it special on Valentines day? How could I? SRSLY? He treated every single day as Valentines day, and not in the excuse form of not treating me special, but in the great form of treating me special every single day.
That's why even though today is no longer Valentines day, I just want to say that I would love it if I could be your Valentines day, every single day of our lives together.
You never have to ask because the answer's always going to be yes.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
Thank You
"I would like to thank the Administration for this opportunity that they gave me to speak in the chapel in front of all of you..."
He isn't going to say it.
"Sir Tony, for always guiding me, and teaching me, and for being a good pastor..."
I tell myself to not expect anything at all.
"To my batch-mates, you guys are the best. Thanks for always being there for me. I know all of you guys so well already."
Of course, he has to play safe. He really can't expose himself like this. You can't expect him to be really sweet when he's only expressive when he's with you.
Don't expect.
"Russel, thank you for the shirt. James, thanks for the shoes and the pants,"
He really isn't going to say anything about me, isn't he? Not a single word about me. I should have expected it, but why does it--
"Of course. Thank you Jana,"
Applause.
There's the loud applause, and everyone is looking at me, and cheering at me. And I look up at him, and he's smiling at me. He didn't get to say much, because everyone was so loud with their cheers, and I think he was too shy to continue.
He thanked me, not with words, but with his smile. His smiled as if he was thanking me for making him smile all of the three years we were together. He thanked me, not with words, but with how he looked at me. He looked at me, as if he didn't want to look anywhere else.
Now you may say that how am I getting all of these from a single look and a single smile. And I guess all I can say is that, you'll know it when you see it, and at that moment I saw it.
He thanked with a smile and a look and it was enough.
"Thanks, Jana"
You are very welcome.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
A Not So Simple Way To Say I Love You
Simple.
What is it about that word really? Isn't it ironic that I find something really special about the very word which when employed aims to deny the very special thing about anything?
Simply.
As in by itself, nothing spectacular. Nothing worth noting about. And yet it can be paired with words like amazing, wonderful, girnormous, and the person listening doesn't seem to mind the contradiction in the match up.
Simplicity.
Maybe the word isn't so... well, so simple after all, so to speak. Maybe it was originally used in that manner to explain the ordinary and useless matters of the world, till time got a hold of it and altered it to become what it is today. No matter the reason, simple, simply, and simplicity no longer convey the ordinary.
There is nothing ordinary in a simple love. There is absolutely nothing ordinary in the way a night can turn from just a night to suddenly becoming simply amazing. The simplicity of you and me, is a matter that only the special beating of the heart can understand.
It's simple really: I simply love the simplicity of us.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
Just Wanted To Say
Once upon a time a girl met a boy.The girl thought this boy seemed really nice, and he seemed really friendly too. As time passed, boy and girl started spending time together. Soon enough the girl soon started falling for the boy, and each day is categorized happy depending on whether she saw boy or not, with ecstatic if boy smiled at her.
When boy told girl that he loved her, girl got really scared.
Did boy tell girl he loved her because he found out that she liked him? Did boy really fall in love with girl because he truly loved her or because he decided that since he probably wanted a girl, girl would have to suffice? Consequently will boy love girl forever or would he leave her the moment some better girl comes along?
But what girl didn't know, and only realized until much much later, was that boy had always been looking at her from afar. Boy saw girl first, and boy made sure she would see him too.
And see she did.
She saw, and she fell in love.
HAPPY 28th BIRTHDAY!
To the Boy who loved me first
From the Girl who'll always love you back.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
On Christmas Day
Christmas Twenty-Oh-Nine wasn't so bad.
It really wasn't as bad as I feared it would be. I wasn't lonely, I did count the minutes that seemed to slowly, and dreadfully pass by, and the thought that I'm having such a pathetic time did not enter my mind at all. Sure, if I had a choice, I would have spent this day in a slightly different manner, but that being said, I believe I had fun.
I had only been sleeping for about two hours, when at 6 am, I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing, with the Turtle on the other end of the line. They came to pick up my brother, all the way at my Professor's house where we spent the night, and I had to wake my brother up (who was grumpy to say the least--I think it runs in the family because if you wake me up like how I woke him up, I would have bitten of your head for your attempt and slept again--because he didn't get that much sleep the night before) because they were right outside the house. So, disregarding the slightly grumpy brother, it was a wonderful thing to see the Turtle so early Christmas morning. It was as if a gift from heaven that I spent time with him on Christmas Eve and at least saw him on Christmas morning.
After he and my brother left, I went sleeping for like 3 more hours, when I woke up to a heavy breakfast of pancakes prepared by our hosts, and it was like Christmas dinner all over again. To Mrs. Professor, you bake a mean, and by mean I obviously mean amazing, batch of chocolate chip cookies. There was an unstoppable flow of cookies, pancakes, and hot brewed coffee, and the conversation around the table flowed freely as well.
When we left, I went with a friend to their guest-house thingie, and I spent the whole afternoon just sleeping in their nice and comfortable bed, within an air conditioned room, after which we ate food from Kenny Rogers. I mean wow, the food today is just girmazing is it not?
After that I went back to the dorm, and here I am blogging about it.
Funny how you expect something to end up so badly, and when the day comes, it isn't so bad after all? Now as I sit here, with the fan blowing in my face, and the sounds blaring in my ear, with Christmas ending in just a couple of minutes more, I have only one thing to say before I say goodnight:
Dear Jesus, on this day I just want to say that if you weren't born here on earth, life would pretty much suck. Also, I love you.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Je, Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate
The Day Before Christmas
Things I did on the day before Christmas:
1. Waited for about an hour outside a mall for my late date (tsk, tsk, it's alright baby, I forgive you already) to show up. It gave me time to snap some pictures while waiting.
Also it gave me time to write in our journal, which we decide about a couple of weeks ago to own and to write in alternately so that I won't miss him as much, and he'll some way of telling me that I'm being crazy without me blowing up at him for calling me crazy, even though at that moment in time, I really was, you know, crazy. It works: I read it when I miss him, and he no longer loses his voice due to continually pacifying me.
2. Date, date, date, date! We just walked around the mall the whole time, ate some cheap food so that we both could afford the gift that we would be buying for each other on that day as our Christmas gift!
I bought him this Converse T-Shirt because I remember whenever we went to a mall or a department store somewhere, he would make a bee-line to the place where they had the shoes and he would stare longingly at a bunch of Converse shoes, and I knew that he always wanted one of those. So I thought that maybe this Christmas I could get him one. Unfortunately, I realized that I had not saved enough because I sincerely thought that I would be able to afford it with my measly 1 thousand pesos. To my sincere shock, it was 2 thousand plus pesos. So in an effort to be funny, and still buy him something converse-y I bought him this:
He on the other hand bought me the best handbag in the entire world, partly because he's the best significant other in the entire world, and partly because th bag is so soft and cuddly and I think this is the first time I ever fell in love with a pretty bag.
3. Then we (me, my brother, and two others) went to a professor of mine's house to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning with them. We ate some heavy food and spent time with their kids, who are so adorable, like seriously seriously adorable.
4. And now I'm sitting here blogging all about it, and waiting for Christmas to come so that I can text my parents how much I miss them and how I wish I was spending Christmas with them. I want to reassure them that, yeah me and my brother are doing okay here in the Philip of Pines. It's not so bad, and that they shouldn't worry about us. I miss them with all my heart and my Christmas Wish this year is that they would have the best of time, and that even though we're far away, we'll still actually be more together than any other family in the world. I'll love you, Mom, Dad.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est, Philip Of Pines
The New Top Ten
A numbered list of my thoughts for the past moments of my life, because I find no other way to express such thoughts in an orderly manner due to the fact that they are neither orderly or well-mannered; they are rude thoughts, and by rude I do not mean rude in content but I mean rudely messy running over without pattern and just jumping all kinds of lines, those rude lines of thoughts.
Ahem, so anyway:
- I am sick and tired of having to wake up every morning with sniffles. What is up with that? Am I fundamentally sick, every single morning, and if I am, why?
- I am late in almost all of my personal deadlines, and I'm somewhat too lazy to do anything about it
- I do not know what to do with my novel and it's just sitting there, as a saved file in my laptop, unedited.
- I've decided to try the no-rice diet for a week, see how that works for me.
- Though, at the moment, I'm hungry and craving for some rice.
- I have just discovered The Big Bang Theory and literally after a few minutes into the show, I already love Sheldon. Planning on checking out How I Met Your Mother, for others are saying that it is just as girmazing.
- Your good-byes are useless because there's nothing good about your byes.
- I ate about three orders of Takoyaki in one day because of the craving I had for the Takoyaki I had in Brunei. Bruneian Takoyaki wins over Filipino Takoyaki, hands and pants down.
- Me and the Turtle have started sharing a journal, where we both write in it. Hope that this would be a lasting activity that we can share. Shall update after a week.
- Still craving for some rice.
- Should have eaten a heavier lunch, like maybe something with seafood and noodles or whatever.
- I am also currently in love with Shawn Spencer of the show Psych.
- That is it, I am going to go and grab me some noodles or whatever.
- I hate the number 13, I do not know why.
And remember: top fourteen is the new top ten.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Olden days, Philip Of Pines, Schoolingness
The Happy Pessimist
It's exam week.
I would go into the regular rant on how exams are eating me alive and that I have no life to speak of this week, but I am far, far too happy to talk about a depressing topic, no matter obligatory said rant is supposed to be, so can we please just pretend that I spent this whole paragraph right here talking about said none-life-ness and just skip that completely?
Ahem, ahem.
I have such a great expectation this week, but I can't really blurt it out because I might jinx it in some way or the other and then when it doesn't happen, all of the happy situations and plans that I would have shared here would be nothing but a painful reminder of an expectation gone awry.
But I am happy.
Happier than I've been for weeks, and probably months. Which is, well, not really saying that much because have you seen how suck-y my life has been lately? I think I deserve a break of some sort, don't you agree?
Of course you agree, because you love me.
I've been spending a lot of time to myself, and unlike my high-school years, I am not spending that time to myself crying, whining, and cutting myself uselessly. Rare, and unbelievable as it is to believe, I am enjoying the time to myself, and would have preferred to spending hours and hours all to myself.
It's like I just want to be holed up somewhere without any connection to anyone in the world (except the Turtle, because the Turtle is the exception in almost any of my rules in life, mood, and other things... oh and maybe my nuclear family too, because I love them too much to completely avoid them). I just want to be alone, and not because I'm depressed, but because it's making me happy in the midst of situations that have made me incredibly sad for the past few weeks.
Quoting a friend of mine who answered another friend of mine who asked if I was angry and depressed at the moment: Jana's been angry and depressed for about a year now.
A great exaggeration, I admit. But I have been really negatively affected by a whole lot of issues in this world, and by world I mean the College, and it is only by spending time by myself (or with the Turtle, or with the family), that I get a breather where an inkling of happiness appears before I'm shoved back into the real world.
Therefore I'd like to postpone the real world for a while.
So if anyone's looking for me, I'm the girl who is currently trying to get herself stuck in her own world before someone violently grabs and pulls me out of it, pushing me right back into the real world of pain and suffering.
Don't believe the hype, it's the pessimists that actually have the real fun in life, because we're either right or pleasantly surprised.
I don't know how to end this entry.
The end?
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
Realization
This is a long overdue realization.
I have been fighting with Turtle a lot these past few weeks, and every time we fight, I'd be all emotional, and annoyed, and if I was allowed to swear, I'd probably be swearing at myself and sometimes at him too. Then I'd cool down and he would talk to me in his calming manner, and then I'd realize that it wasn't that big of a deal anymore and I'd prefer to end the day being ok with him, and he always makes sure we end the day like so.
Well, today, as I was talking to a bunch of my friends about how they treat their girlfriends. And they were sharing how they make sure their girlfriends are the ones to say sorry in a fight, and how they will never lower their pride because they're the male figure in the relationship, and how sometimes a girl just overreacts in so many little things that they will never tolerate, and when I listen to the very
valid reasons as to why the girl is angry at them, I think. And I start thinking really hard.
Then that's when I realized a very valuable thing; a valuable thing that I forget sometimes in the heat for an argument:
My Turtle is the best boyfriend in the entire world.
Do you know how thankful I am to have this man in my life? Sure, I say a bunch of stuff that hurt him, and there are a lot of times where I get unreasonable, and sometimes he really is at fault, however perfect for me he may be. However, and that's a pretty big however, I would never, ever trade my relationship with him, with any of the boys here at the college.
A guy friend once said that he and his girlfriend hardly ever fight, and I think but when they do fight it's usually never resolved, and it lasts for so long, and you know what? I think I prefer fighting all the time, and resolving it within an hour, because at least I know we resolve it.
Whatever did I do to deserve such Turtle as him for a boyfriend, I will never, ever know, and even if I did, I'd probably still think I am still the most blessed person on this world to ever have this guy as my future partner-in-crime for the rest of my life.
I love you with all my heart could afford to love.
Lovingly yours, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est, Schoolingness
Missing This
It's almost one in the morning.
And, obviously, I'm still wide-wide awake. I could blame it on the coffee that I drank at Starbucks today, which is weird because this is like the second time I've been to the place and it's always been a freebie, every time I come there. Someone always buys the coffee and the bread for me, because if it was just me, I'd just stick to hot chocolate please.
I could blame it on the free WiFi at the place where I'm sleeping tonight. I mean spending time typing and surfing the wonderful fairytale land called the Internet has always given me an energy boost that can make me run on steam for hours and hours more. I may have an addiction problem though, I'll have to get back to you pumpkin pies on that.
But I'd rather blame my general awake-ness with thoughts of him. Yes, pumpkin pies, I'm talking about the love of my life in the most cheesiest manner. I haven't been cheesy corny in a while so please bear with me. You see, I have been missing him a lot these past few weeks. Not because I haven't seen him that much but because since we both have such busy schedules it's so hard to just meet and talk.
And I guess without going through all the different motions. This running thoughts in my mind only seem to say one thing. Over and over again. Till all the words run together and become as one short sentence.
I miss you.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
Why Am I a Missionary?
I'm on my fourth year at this college.
I bet not many of those who accidentally read this know that I'm studying in a BIBLE college where I am training to become a missionary. Yes, yes, it's like training to become a nun, but we have different beliefs when it comes to our
theology and unlike those brave, self-controlled people, I am still allowed to fall in love and get married.
Though love and getting married is a great topic to rant about, this rant is not about the joys and pains of love. Nope, this is about my chosen path to take, the questions of why I chose it, if I ever regretted my choices, and what the heck am I still doing here?
Let's resume this rant, shall we?
When I was a wee bit little girl, having just graduated from high-school, there was this weird burning in my heart, not at all like heartburn, but something you can't explain without using those very words; burning of the heart or heartburn. I wanted to become a missionary. I wanted to learn about God, and I wanted to tell those who didn't get the chance to know about Jesus and to be given the choice. I don't care much for those who have rejected him already, because hey it's
your choice if you don't want to believe in my beliefs. What I do care about is bringing the choice to those who never had the chance to choose. For me, that's what it means to be a missionary.
And that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
I could have been a journalist, what with my penchant for liking to write about whatever and giving insights to people who don't really want it, and I could have been
great at it. I could have been a lawyer, since I could argue till my face is red, then blue and then I would argue some more until you are forced to agree with me cause that's the only way you'll get me to
shut up.
But no.
I decided I wanted to become a missionary.
Was it the right choice?
Though my immediate family were nothing but supportive with my chosen future vocation, my extended family was not as kind. There were always snide remarks of me wasting my time, my future, my gifts at being essentially witty and sarcastic which people can mistake for some form of intelligence, and most of all, they all claim that not only am I wasting money on this endeavor, I was probably never going to get rich enough to help myself let alone my ever supportive immediate family when they need me, and I was probably going to rely on them for monetary support for the rest of my life. Encouraging, huh?
Did I ever regret my choice?
Sometimes, when people ask me what course I'm taking, something clogs up my throat, and instead of proudly telling them that I'm training to become a missionary, I mumble something about taking up theology, hoping that that is too big a word for them to actually know what it means, and that they're too proud enough to not bother asking what that means. Why? I could say it's because it gets tiring explaining all the how, why, and what the heck were you thinking questions that inevitably pops up. I refuse to say I am ashamed, so I won't. Not because the feeling doesn't come up every now and then, but because I refuse to even give it a foothold in my heart, so I just brush it aside and scrub it out of my brain.
So what am I still doing here?
Because that burning sensation in my heart? Yeah that heartburn that isn't heartburn at all? It's still there. And I want nothing more than to become a missionary, to serve God in any land far away where the choice to choose is not available to them. To this very day, even in the face of discouraging people, situations, questions, judgments, if I have known everything that I know now before I made my choice to become a missionary, I know deep in my gut that I would still choose to become one. Sure, I may have wondered what it would be like to be a famous writer, famous lawyer, famous person earning big bucks to support those whom I love, but I have never regretted my choice to become what I am training to be today.
I'd give up the whole world, my friends, my family, my fame, my pride, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my money, my name, God help me, even my boyfriend, if that's what it requires to become what God wants me to be.
Why am I a missionary?
Because that's the only kind of person I was meant to be.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Je, Kuya, Love at its janajee-est, Schoolingness
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