Saturday, May 31, 2008
Random thoughts...I've been thinking.
And you know that by itself is actually an achievement because I rarely think and when I do, it usually involves a whole lot of effort and pain on those who happen to be around me. People say it's because I'm impulsive and whenever I do think it's never in the right way of thinking. I, on the other hand, would like to think that I'm a weird sort of genius whose intellectual ability hasn't been recognized because I'm like so waaay ahead of my time and people in the future will dig and dig and look for clues about the person that is me because they can't get over the fact that I am so smart.Or you know, maybe I am just crazy.
Anyways, with all this free time, I've had a lot of time to think. Thing is my thoughts are a little messed up and I try and I try to get them all organized and proper and stuff. Like, this happy moment thought here should go to this happy area of the brain and this sad thought ought to be in the sad area of my brain and this I want to dance and do a weird jiggy movement in public should be put in the I am so crazy area of my brain but it's impossible because it's like all my thoughts all start from normal and suddenly take a swift turn and head straight into messy and crazy and stupid, just like this sentence.
With school starting, I've gone off and started thinking those weird am I really meant for this kind of course? Am I really going down the right path? Is this really what I'm supposed to do? kind of thoughts.
Honestly? I can't seem to let go of my dream of being either a professional writer or lawyer and I do want to be those things and yet I want to be a missionary more and more with each passing moment and I'm feeling depressed about it and happy too; depressed because I spent years and years trying to find out what talent I have and now it seems that writing isn't the talent that I hoped it would be and being the ex-captain of the debate team I thought being a lawyer would be good for me too and now I have to let go of those dreams and it's depressing because if I'm not good at these two things then what the heck am I good at?; happy because with each day I realize that there is a joy in what I'm doing and I'm sort of liking my life as a missionary going off to different places and having to speak to (future) millions of different people and I know I can be somewhat good at it and oh-em-gee maybe writing long sentences is my talent.
That just made me somewhat sadder and slightly happy too, which is kind of weird now because I don't know what I'm feeling again and it's confusing. Man, I really am crazy.
I really should stop thinking before I end up really hurting myself. I think my brain just died a little bit more than usual with all these mental exercise.
Lotsa love, Jana