Saturday, January 24, 2009
At twenty, I feel like everything is a dream. Like everything that I'm going through and have gone through is like a series of unrealistic scenes from the crazy mind that lacks oxygen.
Life here in the Philippines feels unbelievably unrealistic to me, even though I've been here for almost three years now. Every time I get to sit and think about it, it seems that what's happening here is so unbelievably good that it scares me. Like someone is playing a cosmic joke on me and I would wake up one morning and then of course it was dream because I'm still the fifteen year old loser with an unrequited crush on someone who can't stand the sight of me, who hardly has any friends, except for the very few ones that I had, and yes, that same one who doesn't have a good relationship with her family, also she's flunking math. Yes yes, I must be dreaming and I hope I never wake up.
And yet even life in Brunei feels like it didn't exist either. Maybe it's been so long ago that it seems unreal. Maybe I want to think of it unreal just so I could believe that that memory couldn't have possibly existed. When I think about Brunei and my life there, it feels somewhat like a horrid nightmare that haunts me. How can a nightmare like that exist when I'm already in college with the Turtle as my wonderful boyfriend, I have great friends who love me including the few ones in back in high school, my relationship with my family is amazing and how can I be flunking math when I just efficiently taught my classmates college algebra yesterday? No no, that horrid life in Brunei must have been a nightmare and I'm glad I'm already awake.
At twenty, I don't know if I want to stay dreaming or thank my lucky stars that I'm up.
Being pensive on one's birthday is kinda cool and mysterious like, and it gives the impression that I am an intellectual with deep thoughts, instead of the usual idiotic, Jana is being herself (read: INSANE) again, everybody run because it's been proven by other mad scientists that the crazy has the tendency to be contagious.
Lotsa love, Jana