Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Happy Pessimist

It's exam week.

I would go into the regular rant on how exams are eating me alive and that I have no life to speak of this week, but I am far, far too happy to talk about a depressing topic, no matter obligatory said rant is supposed to be, so can we please just pretend that I spent this whole paragraph right here talking about said none-life-ness and just skip that completely?

Ahem, ahem.

I have such a great expectation this week, but I can't really blurt it out because I might jinx it in some way or the other and then when it doesn't happen, all of the happy situations and plans that I would have shared here would be nothing but a painful reminder of an expectation gone awry.

But I am happy.

Happier than I've been for weeks, and probably months. Which is, well, not really saying that much because have you seen how suck-y my life has been lately? I think I deserve a break of some sort, don't you agree?

Of course you agree, because you love me.

I've been spending a lot of time to myself, and unlike my high-school years, I am not spending that time to myself crying, whining, and cutting myself uselessly. Rare, and unbelievable as it is to believe, I am enjoying the time to myself, and would have preferred to spending hours and hours all to myself.

It's like I just want to be holed up somewhere without any connection to anyone in the world (except the Turtle, because the Turtle is the exception in almost any of my rules in life, mood, and other things... oh and maybe my nuclear family too, because I love them too much to completely avoid them). I just want to be alone, and not because I'm depressed, but because it's making me happy in the midst of situations that have made me incredibly sad for the past few weeks.

Quoting a friend of mine who answered another friend of mine who asked if I was angry and depressed at the moment: Jana's been angry and depressed for about a year now.

A great exaggeration, I admit. But I have been really negatively affected by a whole lot of issues in this world, and by world I mean the College, and it is only by spending time by myself (or with the Turtle, or with the family), that I get a breather where an inkling of happiness appears before I'm shoved back into the real world.

Therefore I'd like to postpone the real world for a while.

So if anyone's looking for me, I'm the girl who is currently trying to get herself stuck in her own world before someone violently grabs and pulls me out of it, pushing me right back into the real world of pain and suffering.

Don't believe the hype, it's the pessimists that actually have the real fun in life, because we're either right or pleasantly surprised.

I don't know how to end this entry.

The end?

Lotsa love, Jana

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