Thursday, February 23, 2012

Hey, I'm Actually Still Alive

When I was leaving for Korea, I had this feeling.

It's a feeling that's hard to describe in one word, so let me try a couple of run-on sentences. I felt like I was happy, so very happy, so very excited, like I couldn't possibly be flying to Korea now could I? Like is this really happening, like is this for real because this cannot be for real, because not once in my life have I ever thought I would fly to somewhere so far away, where I would be able to experience things that I have never experienced before, and everything is so new and pretty, and PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES. But at the same time, there's also this extreme sadness in my heart. Like am I really leaving everything I ever knew behind for a long time, is this really happening, is this really going to last for three years, and can I just get off the plane now? Can't I just go home now?

It's a mixture of heightened expectations of new experiences and a depression so deep that I didn't know my heart could reach that far.

I went on this new journey because I wanted to see who I was, who I truly was, when I was stripped away from everything that was ever used to define me. I was excited to learn new things, experience new things, build new friendships, and just have a wonderful time discovering who I am.

But then, there's this sadness of everything I have left behind. It's like my friends are purposely deciding to get married, graduate, have babies, etc. on the days I won't be there with them. And it sucks, because I want to be there. I want to see them.

More than even that is my family.

See, unlike a lot of teenagers and young adults I have met online, I'm actually really close with my family. I tell my mother everything, including things I probably shouldn't be sharing on a regular basis. If I suddenly disappear and you need to find me but NO ONE knows how to, you can ask my mother. Though I doubt she'll tell you. My brother is my best friend, and we agree on everything. Do you have this ginormous crush on my personality, but can't have me because I'm already taken? Here, have my brother, it's like having me, but as a guy. And my father? He is my king. He is kind and loving, and caring, and rules with an iron fist of love. He is goofy and quiet all the same time. He is mystery wrapped in enigma. He is my father.

And I love them so much.

And I miss them so much.

And even then there's my Turtle. The love of my life, and my partner-in-crime. He is my opposite in every way, so we mesh in every possible way as well. He is the silent type and I am so loud I can speak your ears off. He is the strong foundation, and I'm the... well maybe I'm the curtains in the window that blows flimsily, every which way. He grounds me, and I make sure he has adventures every now and then.

And can I just go home now?

But I know I can't. I know that there was a reason I left. I wanted to learn to become independent. To be on my own and to be strong enough. I wanted to learn to be complete on my own and to know what it's like to only rely on myself (and God of course, duh). And yeah it's hard. Is anything worthy ever really easy?

So I'm going to suck it in, and push forward.

It is just the third day after all, and I'm probably going to enjoy as much as I possibly can. In the end, three years will be over, and I'll come home permanently.

Till then, I can't wait.

Lotsa love, Jana

Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est

by jana at 8:56 PM |