Saturday, August 30, 2008
Numbers...Because I have so much going on in my mind and I want to blog about all of it but they're all unrelated to each other so I shall blog in numbers!
When I was a first year in my college I met this really cool senior and I really admired her and she was really one of the people who helped me decide what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. After her graduation, she left for England to do what she studied to do and recently she came back.
And I was depressed. Like real depressed to see her. And I don't know why because I should be really happy to see her because she's like so cool and everything. But the only thing I felt when I saw her was insecurity. I was darn insecure.
I wanted to be so much like her and to do what she's doing right now and yet, yet I feared that I couldn't. That I have no ability to reach her level no matter what I do. And I started hating her for it. I'm ashamed to admit but I did.
And it sucked because instead of enjoying her presence I basically didn't want to be anywhere near her. I guess that's when I realized, I admired her to the point that I envied her.
I was blog-hopping a couple of hours ago and I realized that everyone has there own life now. And I mean I know that's just a simple thing and not really a big thing and I've realized this several times before. I don't know why it shocked me so much, but it did.
High-school friends are in different universities and those whom you pegged as lazy-asses who want nothing to do with their lives are studying with big time courses and are having scholarships in different countries. Friends who claimed that they are never going to like someone ever are now going I miss you I love you Happy #th Monthsary baby I want to be with you forever and ever and ever and those couples who I though are so sweet are now denouncing love and are intent on never having a love life ever again. Ex-crushes don't have the same appeal because some are now losers, some are depressing pessimists, some are gay and I shiver every time I realize that I once said I will love him forever and dude, oh emm gee, I knew it! I knew he was gay!
Life is so different since high school.
Kuya, Turtle, Baby, Pangga, etc.
I finally understand you know. What you do and why you do it and I no longer really question how you make me feel all I know is that you make me feel. You make me want things I never cared for. You are the light at the end of my tunnel. I've written this tons of times and thought of this a million times but I just want to say that I love you and I thank God that you love me and that we found each other and I can be mushy and crazy and stupid and you can be quiet and serious and strict but we so totally match "just because" we do.
You inspire the uninspired in me.
Midterms are over.
I can't believe the first semester is almost over. I mean didn't the first semester just started like yesterday? I can't believe we're halfway through. Next thing I know I'll be graduating from college and then what?
I'm somewhat scared now. I don't know what to expect after college and it's not like graduating at all from high school because I was excited for high school to be over, but college is so amazingly fun and exciting and I'm really scared that when I graduate from it, I won't be able to meet up with everyone's expectations, especially my own.
Though I feel kind of stupid thinking this, because I still have a couple more years to wait before I actually get out of college but I can't help it. I'm scared and I don't want to be hurt.
Responsibility is so very scary.
Lotsa love, Jana
Man, this whole entry is crap lah.