Whoa! I Am Actually Alive!
It has been ages since I last updated my blog.
To be exact, it has been a year and four days since I last updated. The first thing I did was delete all of the spam comments, and there were many. Mostly just some people who pretended to be interested in what I said several years ago, but really just wanted me to click on links that had to do with some enlargement of some part of the body that I either didn't have or is already big enough.
Let me wink at you suggestively: [winks suggestively].
But I did miss writing.
I missed sitting down in front of a laptop, trying to write words that made sense in my head but when written down seems like a stupid anecdote but whatever I found it funny, so like you know, shut up.
I make no promises, but I will try and catch up you all up on my life. I should also probably edit some pages here and there of this blog, to keep it updated on what has happened in a year.
A lot has happened in a year
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Look At My Pretty Bus Card
Example on language barrier issues:I had to load my bus card for only 2,500 Won. Unfortunately, I didn't know that you can only load 5,000 Won and higher. After the conversation, where we were both speaking two very different languages with shaking of head and hand gestures later, I ended up with 25,000 Won in my bus card, and a promise to come back once a week to pay my debt as I only had 5,000 Won with me.
The man was very nice though, and it was probably my fault in there somewhere.
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate
Books, Among Other Things
Did I ever tell you that I was on a holiday for a year?
I mean, if you didn't count that somewhat more or less a month stay at the place I will now refer to as THE WORST DECISION I'VE MADE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AS AN ACADEMIC STUDENT THOUGH NOT AS A PERSON BECAUSE I MET MANY COOL AND AWESOME PEOPLE BUT I REALLY DID NOT LIKE LAW SCHOOL OKAY? And believe me, even I don't count it as actual studying.
I think I've mentioned this once, twice, or even probably a gazillion times before, but I was never one for long vacations. I'm a bum, sure, but I didn't like it. So this was actual torture for me, because even though I looked like I was enjoying it, I mean who wouldn't enjoy no pressure, the sleep-wake-eat-sleep lifestyle, and the non-stop amount of TV I've been having, I really was not.
Every single day I was growing restless.
By the second month, I wanted something to do.
But nothing ever stuck. And so I was forced (yeah, yeah) to bum it out. Like Sherlock, I really didn't know what I should do. BUT UNLIKE SHERLOCK, I didn't hop around like demented bunny but instead slept whenever I can, because that's just how I roll.
And now, well in a week's time, classes will start. I've already received a (LEGAL) copy of my books for the semester. I'm devouring them, as we speak.
Well, maybe not literally, but you get the picture.
And I can't wait. Now, I'm being demented Sherlock bunny, and I regret absolutely nothing. I figure it's the adrenaline rush, and soon enough I will wish for the vacation to start again.
But I've known myself for years now.
I'm always happier when I've got something to do.
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
Hey, I'm Actually Still Alive
When I was leaving for Korea, I had this feeling.
It's a feeling that's hard to describe in one word, so let me try a couple of run-on sentences. I felt like I was happy, so very happy, so very excited, like I couldn't possibly be flying to Korea now could I? Like is this really happening, like is this for real because this cannot be for real, because not once in my life have I ever thought I would fly to somewhere so far away, where I would be able to experience things that I have never experienced before, and everything is so new and pretty, and PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES. But at the same time, there's also this extreme sadness in my heart. Like am I really leaving everything I ever knew behind for a long time, is this really happening, is this really going to last for three years, and can I just get off the plane now? Can't I just go home now?
It's a mixture of heightened expectations of new experiences and a depression so deep that I didn't know my heart could reach that far.
I went on this new journey because I wanted to see who I was, who I truly was, when I was stripped away from everything that was ever used to define me. I was excited to learn new things, experience new things, build new friendships, and just have a wonderful time discovering who I am.
But then, there's this sadness of everything I have left behind. It's like my friends are purposely deciding to get married, graduate, have babies, etc. on the days I won't be there with them. And it sucks, because I want to be there. I want to see them.
More than even that is my family.
See, unlike a lot of teenagers and young adults I have met online, I'm actually really close with my family. I tell my mother everything, including things I probably shouldn't be sharing on a regular basis. If I suddenly disappear and you need to find me but NO ONE knows how to, you can ask my mother. Though I doubt she'll tell you. My brother is my best friend, and we agree on everything. Do you have this ginormous crush on my personality, but can't have me because I'm already taken? Here, have my brother, it's like having me, but as a guy. And my father? He is my king. He is kind and loving, and caring, and rules with an iron fist of love. He is goofy and quiet all the same time. He is mystery wrapped in enigma. He is my father.
And I love them so much.
And I miss them so much.
And even then there's my Turtle. The love of my life, and my partner-in-crime. He is my opposite in every way, so we mesh in every possible way as well. He is the silent type and I am so loud I can speak your ears off. He is the strong foundation, and I'm the... well maybe I'm the curtains in the window that blows flimsily, every which way. He grounds me, and I make sure he has adventures every now and then.
And can I just go home now?
But I know I can't. I know that there was a reason I left. I wanted to learn to become independent. To be on my own and to be strong enough. I wanted to learn to be complete on my own and to know what it's like to only rely on myself (and God of course, duh). And yeah it's hard. Is anything worthy ever really easy?
So I'm going to suck it in, and push forward.
It is just the third day after all, and I'm probably going to enjoy as much as I possibly can. In the end, three years will be over, and I'll come home permanently.
Till then, I can't wait.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est
Opinions on Shamcey Supsup, Amongst Other Things Which Are Kind of Important Too.
I love her answer.
I also expected third place.
I still wouldn't want to change her answer.
We're living in a world where expressing your individuality warrants getting crushed. Where believing strongly in one thing and not the other forces people to ostracize you. Especially when it comes to religion. The popular notion is that all roads lead to heaven, and express anything otherwise is to earn the scorn of your peers. "How dare you think that yours is the only way? How dare you consider your religion superior than mine? Why can't my way be the way too?"
Why do you think Christianity is hated so much by the world? It's because of its claims to be the only way. The only path to salvation. That's why people can't stand it. It's no wonder really why she got third place. (Sidebar: Muslims claim it too, but people usually don't say much out of fear. Even though most Muslims that I know are lovely people, the overwhelming notion of other people who do not know them equate them to scary monsters - all untrue of course). But that's what Christianity is, it's exclusive.
That's what Christianity is all about, being the only way, the only path to salvation. That's why if you choose to be a Christian, you better be in it for the long haul. Because even though it has great rewards in the end, the path that you chose isn't going to be easy.
When Shamcey said those words, I whooped inside because I wouldn't have answered any differently. But at least let me try my hand at it? Ahem, ahem.
Miss Macabali, would you change your religious beliefs to marry the man you love? Why or why not?
No, I would not change them because even though I can love a man who does not share my religious beliefs, I could never be with him because he does not love my God. I would rather choose to be alone than to be with someone who cannot share my passion for my God, for my Christ, for my Savior. My faith is an integral part of who I am, and if he does not share my faith then he cannot have me at all, at least not in that way. We're still good when it comes to remaining as friends though.
(Sidebar: Miss Macabali as a Miss Universe contestant? Stop dreaming Jana, dearest. It's never gonna happen. Ever.)
You want to be a Christian? Then you got to be willing to pay the price. It's not about being rich, or being satisfied in this world. It's about being presented with a choice: this world or Christ. This path that the world gives, or the path where Christ saves.
I chose my Christ, and I've never once regretted it.
Labels: Je, Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est
Where I Eat My Previous Words
Yummy.
I guess I really should finally acknowledge properly what happened, in regards to the whole law school thing. It's kind of funny, how some of my semi-serious, semi-focused on my life entry was all about declaring that I was going to continue my studies in law school. Then probably about a week or two later, I find myself standing in front of my blockmates, telling them that that Saturday was my last day as a law student.
I disappointed a lot of people, and I think I crushed the heck out my parents hearts. But most of all, I disappointed myself. Well a part of myself anyway, because the other bigger part, the part that made me quit in the first place, was so happy at being free finally that it was just dancing with joy the moment I exited the door of that class and closing it behind me both in reality and in my mind for good.
Still, there was the disappointed part.
To be a lawyer was my dream. Ever since I watched Ally McBeal and became a part of the debate team back in highschool. Even after I finished Bible College, and trained myself to be a missionary, I still wanted to be a lawyer. I told myself that I was going to use my lawyer-ness, so that I could into countries and help more people. But I really just wanted to be a lawyer.
The part of me that wanted that was really quiet during that month of torture. In fact it didn't even make much of a fuss when I was quitting. Even now, all it's ever done was to just mope around like the sad, useless person that it is.
I want to ask her so many things. Where were you when I was having such a hard time? Where were you when my values in life were being questioned? Where were you when I had wanted to give up? Why didn't you stop me? You were the reason I entered law school in the first place, because you wouldn't shut up. You were so excited when I got in! You were so happy when I passed! Then you suddenly abandon me when I needed you the most?
But all she does is remain silent, and disappointed.
Disappointed because she didn't get to be a lawyer? Maybe. But she's also disappointed that though she really wanted to be a lawyer in the beginning, she also soon discovered that it was not the life she wanted to lead.
I wanted to be a lawyer so bad, and for that one month that I was in law school, I realized that no, if this is what lawyers do and what lawyers have to face, and if this is how lawyers should react to the cases and how they ought to treat people, then no, I discovered that being a lawyer was not meant for me after all.
It wasn't hard to be a law student. Sure you don't get enough sleep, and sure you face teachers who think that scaring you until you pee in place is a good teaching method. But study wise? The material? It wasn't that hard. Reading all the cases was tedious and tiring, but it wasn't hard to understand. So I'd like to think it wasn't because it was so hard that I decided to give up, at least just to pacify my bruised ego.
Disappointed me is mostly just that. Disappointed, not that I quit but that I actually had the idea to quit. Disappointed that the dream I've had ever since I was a high school student wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Disappointed to discover that when the rose-colored glasses came of, there was nothing else that was anchoring me to stay in the world of law.
Other than pride.
Pride was the only reason I could give for me to stay. I told so many people that I was going to be a lawyer with a cause to fight for. I was puffed up, every time anyone would congratulate me on getting into the top law school in the country. My head grew bigger at every opportunity, every compliment, every awe and smile that why yes Jana, you're going to be a lawyer now! I hadn't even finished law school, and already there were so many claiming that I was going to be their lawyer, that they were going to be my clients. I welled up every time my parents would boast about me to my other relatives, relatives who always questioned my decision to study in a Bible College, and knowing that they too are proud of me because I was going to be the first lawyer in the family.
But I can't live on pride alone.
And pride was all I had in law school.
So yeah, I quit law school, because what else could I do? The first week in, I already knew that I was going to hate being a lawyer, and that feeling never died. I hated being a lawyer, and I hated that I was spending all this time, FOUR LONG YEARS, in studying something that I had already told myself that I would never practice.
I quit.
Not because I couldn't do it, though I guess you can say that. But it's mostly because I didn't want to do it. So now what? Well if you must know, I'm trying to get a job, because I want to study some more. Study something that I really want to do in my life. I want to be exposed to the things that I chose to be in college. I wanted to be a part of something that gave me passion, and gave me purpose and I only felt that when I was training myself to be a missionary.
So there you have it.
Accept it or not, but that's basically why I quit law school.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Schoolingness
Law School Blues
I hate being stressed out.
Honestly, I'm a pretty laid back lady. I prefer doing things on my own pace, and just enjoying life as it comes day by day. Life's too short, is what I always say, and to spend it with a stick up one's behind is waste life. I'm all up for working hard, and having goals, and dreams, and stuff like that, but if one isn't happy, then why must one continue on a path that only makes them miserable?
So I spent most of my life that way, and in fact that's how I spent five years of my college life. It was just me, enjoying my studies, loving it for what it is. It was hard, but I had fun. Why? Because I loved every single moment of it. I loved every single knowledge of information that I'm getting while I'm studying because Theology had become my true love.
Now that I've graduated, I decided to branch out and to try out a new area in my life. I embarked on the legal side of the planet. Law School was my next step. Before school got started, people already told me to be afraid. That it would be unlike anything you have ever experienced in your entire life. That there would be sleepless nights, and that there would stressful days.
I guess I let it color my life.
First few weeks of law school was hell on earth. I hated it with such a passion that I didn't know existed within me. I felt like I was stuck in highschool all over again. I questioned myself, telling myself that this couldn't possibly be the right path for me. I compared it to my undergrad years, and Law School always seemed to fall short of every expectation of happiness for me.
Three weeks, and I had decided maybe quitting right now, wouldn't be such a bad idea. Sure people are going to talk, and they're going to say aww poor baby, couldn't handle the pressure, and I would be fine, because I knew I would be happy. I hated the long hours of reading, and the digesting of the cases. I hated that I didn't seem to have the time to be laid back and to have things at my own pace. I thought I would enjoy studying about law, but the pressure is just too much.
I grew jealous of the rest of my batchmates, who had their life so easy. Some were working, some are taking licensure exams, and some are even getting married. They're moving forward with their life. Me? I'm still stuck in school.
Last night, I watched this movie called 3 Idiots.
It's a great movie about life, friendship and love. But what struck me most during the entire thing was how the movie dealt with the topic of education. From the leading man I learned three things:
- Aal izz well - that the heart is an idiot, so when you're feeling the pressure all around you, tell it that aal izz well. It doesn't solve anything, but it'll give you the courage to face your fears.
- This is college - not a pressure cooker, so why should I let myself be pressured by fear of the frantic race? Even a circus lion learns to sit on a chair in fear of the whip, but you call such a lion "well-trained" and not "well-educated".
- Follow excellence - and success will chase you, pants down. I'll study my heart out, but not because I want good grades. I'll study to be accomplished, and not affluent.
Because of this movie, I realized that yes, I do love where I am. I love learning about law, and it's something that I've always had the passion for. I love that in the end, I would be able to help people. People who couldn't help themselves, and I knew deep down, I love that this is what I'm learning to do.
So, now, like Raju Rastogi, I'm not going to let fear decide my future. I'm not going to let the pressure get to me. I'm not going to let the stress of money, readings, cases, professors affect me anymore. Pass, fail, excel or even barely survive, it's not the issue anymore.
I want to study because I want to learn.
Aal izz well, people.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
The End of The World?
Warning: I shall be ranting.
It's May 21 and it's 8 pm. The world is not ending, and I never believed it in the first place anyway. I wonder how Camping and his people are going to worm their way out of this one. I know they'll make some lame excuse, that people will believe it because that's just how they roll, and they'll still say that what Camping said was valid.
I don't really care, and I don't really want to spend my time bashing against these people. They believe what they believe, it's their prerogative. Personally, I think they're sincere, but sincerely wrong.
My problem is with these people making a spectacle of my religious beliefs, because they refuse to study the Bible on their own. That includes these people, and those who choose to make fun of us because of them.
I've always been respectful of other people's beliefs, but what I can't understand is that why can't these same people afford me that right? Humility aside, but I'm one smart kid. I'm not an idiot who just believes whatever is placed in front of me. I do study and weigh my options before I make my life choices.
So, don't insult me.
You want to believe in evolution, that we're created by chance, and that we have no purpose in life than to just have sex, eat and die, then that's your choice, that's your bias.
And you know what else? Atheists claiming they have no bias really piss me off. They do. No one has no bias, that's just ridiculous. Everything, even science takes basic assumptions, (you know those things that they claim to be true even without proof, in other words faith, duh) and no one can prove everything. Just admit it already, and stop acting like you're better than everyone else.
You're not.
Another thing that pisses me off? These people spouting off "proofs" that the Bible isn't real, quotes and verses, taken and out of context and twisted to appear that it's wrong. If you're going to make fun of the Bible at least make sure you know what the heck you're talking about.
Most of these people haven't even read the Bible. Do your research, study what you're trying to discredit because there's a reason why there are a lot of us in this world, you know? I think it's pretty jerky of you to think us all blind idiots, don't you think?
Blah.
End of rant.
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
My Fair Lady
Click on the picture to see it in it's original size
I made this while watching My Fair Lady.
It was for my
tumblr blog, but I thought I'd share it here as well. I'm really enjoying this drama, except I'm a little frustrated that it took a whole of twelve episodes for them to finally get together.
So glad that they got together now :)
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Lo this deserves no category
Alumna
A season ending is a funny thing.
Bonus love points if you can spot me ;)
It's hard to think that I've finally graduated from college. That I, Jana Glaiza C. Macabali, am now a bachelor's degree holder; a college graduate. Admittedly, I don't feel any different. I still feel like the same 17 year old girl, first stepping into the College, all excited and scared.
Look at me, all smiles and happiness :D
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad. Of course, I'm sad. I've spent 5 years in that college. To leave it and not feel anything would seem like I'm an actual robot. I met some amazing people in that college. The moment that I rode that MRT ride home from our Seniors' outing, alone, knowing that on Monday we won't be seeing each other anymore for classes. That moment? That moment crushed so hard, and I was just sitting there all mopey and depressed.
But I am excited. I'm excited for what this new season is going to bring me. Just as I was excited that I was finally leaving Brunei, and exploring the world of college in the Philippines; I feel just as excited leaving the world of FEBIAS College of Bible, a.k.a. the College, and entering a whole new world of the University of the Philippines, henceforth now known as Law School, and learning about it.
There is one thing that's different though.
Back then, I was so excited to leave Brunei, with it's bad memories and it's general horribleness with only a pinch of happiness, but now I'm only slightly excited to leave the College, with it's great memories and it's general awesomeness with only a pinch of sadness.
I'm happy that I managed to get into Law School, but know this. I may be a UP student now, but I will always be a FEBIAS-student-alumna by choice, heart, and home.
Being all cool with my shades and the wind in my hair
See you all in the future, it's going to be a blast.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Olden days, Philip Of Pines, Schoolingness
Law School, Really?
Click for the bigger the picture and to see my name :)Here it is.
The proof that I got into a very prestigious law school. In fact it's THE law school of the country. The state university. The University of the Philippines. Out of three thousand students, 218 were chosen and I was one of them. But, weirdly? I still haven't completely accepted it yet.
Not because I don't want to enter the school but because I still can't believe it. Until now, it hasn't sunk in. I can't even get myself excited or even scared for the horror stories because I keep thinking that the next time I check, my name isn't going to be there.
But it's there.
My name is always there every single time I check.
I can't believe I'm going to law school, and I can't believe that I even got accepted at the University of the Philippines. Out of the three thousand students who took the LAE, only 218 were chosen, and I was one of them. Oh I'm sorry, have I said that before? I'm dreadfully sorry, but I still can't get over it, sorry.
...
Actually, I'm just scared.
I'm freaked out, but I'm also quite excited.
Maybe that's why I still can't get it until now.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Schoolingness
Greetings to All
I'd like to take this opportunity, in between spoonfuls of food and bonding time with my brother and all the movies I've accumulated through the years, and say Merry Christmas to some very special people in my life.
To my batchmates, Aletheia:
I love you guys. We've been through so many crap together that we actually have no choice but to get close to one another. You made my stay here in the Philippines so much more meaningful, and my stay at the College more than bearable.
To the people over the seas:
My unnies, my Bruneian buddies, my RP pals, my Canadian brothers, and this one British dude who I love with all my heart. It's hard to see you guys, like literally, but you've become people that even though miles away I can trust to be with me when I'm depressed and down and out. So thank you for that.
To my partners-in-crime:
To Jam, Nadie, Paola, Carla, Keiti, So Yummy, Friend Ko and Baks. You know everything there is to know about me, and you know with just one look whether I'm happy or not. It's been proven over and over again, that even though we stop speaking for longest period of time, we can still talk nonstop about anything under the sun. You guys are my sisters and my... well sisters (I'm kidding, Baks), not in the flesh, but every bit the spirit of it.
To my family:
To my Dad, my Mom and my brother, you guys are the best. The best group of people that I was blessed to spend most of my life with. You guys are awesome. I'm thankful for every single bit of good thing about me, and my personality, because every single bit of it comes from you guys.
To my boyfriend:
Heehee. Aww, you know I still can't believe that we're together, right? I'm so blessed to have you. You know you're lucky to have me, right? *wink* hehehehehe. I'm kidding, but joking aside I'm so thankful that you're willing to take me as I am, with all of my shortcomings and all of my mistakes.
To the most awesome Person ever:
Jesus Christ. Happy Birthday. Thanks for saving me and choosing me to be Yours. Thanks for coming down and though Your stay here wasn't that much fun, I know You loved it and it was worth it for You. With all of my heart, I love You.
Merry Christmas!!!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Love at its janajee-est
Tired Now
Juggling with insecurity and pride is exhausting.
At one point you're proud. You boast and you want the whole word to know how awesome you are. You get disappointed when you're not placed in the limelight. You want to be the center of attraction so you do things a little crazy. Sometimes because you're actually crazy, but at other times you just want people to look at you, because people remember the crazy ones. You say something funny, but no one hears, darling repeat until someone laughs. Something moving, and crying and no one hears? Same thing and make sure you have a tissue around for them to think you're such a nice girl too.
At the other end, you're so insecure. There are so many things that you're afraid to do because you look at yourself and you know you're lacking. No matter how much you're encouraged by others that you can do it, you really can, but you know deep in your heart you could never do it. You could never lead people, you could never be the very thing you want people to think that you are. You can never be special, not as special as you tell people that you are.
You're struggling, juggling with both insecurity and pride, so fast both balls seem to become as one and heavy. Oh and they're both such heavy things. You want to drop it, and just live normally, but like the idiot that you are, you still reach for them every chance you get.
Why? Because you're an idiot.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Was Going To Speak In Korean But Decided Against It
It's been a while.
There's so many stories to tell, that I seriously don't know where to start. Should I start with the happy moments? Because there has been so many, so very many that there would be much much to many to mention, but they're all so equally happy that to mention one and not the other would feel like I'm being unfair to them.
Maybe with the few sorrowful moments? There aren't many at all, maybe one or two even, but they've been so big and produce such an impact on me that I couldn't ignore it. They pretty much made my life hell these past few days, but I really don't want to dwell on them anymore, because I promised myself that I would live my life as if they didn't exist, and that's what I will do. So I can't talk about that anymore than this paragraph if I want to stick to that idea, right?
Ah, what to do, what to do?
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate
Why I Try Not To Think Too Much
I've been spending way too much time thinking about Korean dramas and Psych.
(Psych is awesome so therefore it gets it's own category in my head as other important thoughts, sometimes maybe even more. Do I regret spending that much time thinking about Psych, and not on other things? Of course not.)
I've been thinking about it so much that I haven't even realized that dude, it about a couple of months, I'm going to stop being a Senior student, and then I'm going to graduate and then, and then, and then I'm darn scared of what's going to happen in the future.
It's like the Future is creeping up on me and ready to pounce, as if I haven't prepared for it at all. But the things is, I have. I already know what I'm going to take after this, and I pretty much know where I want to take it. I've made plans, followed through on some of them to make sure they happen. Paid up a few things and studies a few ideas here and there.
So why do I feel so unprepared?
Why do I feel as excited as bunny that it's coming oh so soon, and yet scared as a mouse at the prospect of facing my life after college? This is like graduating from high-school all over again. I know, I know I'll settle in as soon as I can after a while, but it was so hard to get used to college, and now I have to get used to university life in a couple of months time?
Also, is it just me, but why does it feel like I've been studying since forever?
Graah.
Now I remember why I don't think too much about these things, and just spend time thinking about fictional stuff. It's because no matter how messy it gets over there, at least I know that they're probably going to end up happily ever-after.
Not so sure about my own life.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Philip Of Pines, Schoolingness
Knight and Prince
Warning: This will be cheesy.
Every Sunday we see each other.
Even though I ought to be used to it by now, I still miss you every time Sunday ends, and from Monday to Saturday, I look forward to seeing your smile at seeing me walking down those steps. I don't know if you notice but I pretend that I'm not looking at you as I walk down, so that you won't feel awkward because your smile is as cheesy, as cheesy can be. It feels nice to know that someone is looking forward to you arriving so much that his face literally brightens when he sees you.
This Sunday, though, you were late. I was surprised because I was the one that was usually about ten to fifteen minutes late, and this time I was around thirty minutes late. In my head I was already preparing all the different ways I was going to apologize, but when I came down those steps, you weren't there.
I waited for five minutes, and you came running. I'm sorry to say this, and quite ashamed about it too, but I pretended to be really annoyed with you. In my head I was thinking what if I came early, and I waited for about... thirty-five minutes? But good thing, I didn't drag it too much. Plus you were sweet on the bus, baby you were giggling with me, that I just had to smile.
We ate dinner at a nearby McDonalds.
Call it creepy, but every time I took a spoon (forkful?) of spaghetti into my mouth, I took tiny glimpses of you. After three years, seven months and twenty-three days, I still could no believe that we're together. I still can't believe that looking at you still makes me smile, and that you looking at me and smiling still makes agitated butterflies in my stomach.
Darling, you are apparently still my prince.
My knight in shining armor.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
A Failed Attempt
Intelligent musings?
Now, unfortunately, if you came here looking for that, I have none to offer. I have dreams about Barney, fangirling nonsense for drawn anime men, and your regular what-happened-to-me-today type of entries, but intelligent musings. No, no, none of that here.
I envy those who can write things like that, it seems when God was showering that type of blessing to people, I was under an umbrella. I can't even make a proper musing without ruining it with nonsense upon nonsense.
So now that you know, you may go and look somewhere else. Somewhere, somewhere else for you will not find anything of the type that you're looking for. No, not here. Somewhere else, but never here.
Here is where plans remain as plans and dreams forever never meet reality.
Lotsa love, Jana
P.S. What exactly have I been smoking?
Even I do not know.
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
Where I Dream About Falcons and Dinosaurs
I woke up from a good nightmare today.
It had felt so real that the moment I woke up, I thought about it, and I cried about it for a little while. It was lame, and emotional, and blame it on the monthly visitor of blood, so yeah I cried about a stupid dream.
In my dream that was so real like, I'm in this loving relationship with my significant other, the Turtle. He was a falcon god (because nothing is more real than the love of your life turning into a bird every now and then, flying off to do important missions for the greater good of mankind). And we were happy.
But then I met a friend's brother. He was cute, and he was funny, and he made me smile all the time. In fact whenever my falcon god would fly away on his mission, he would always be there to accompany me. Always be there to make me feel awesome, when I missed the Turtle.
Soon enough, I felt myself falling for this friend's brother (who, for the life of me, I can't remember how he looked like, and even whose friend's brother he was supposed to be. All that was clear was that he had a slightly cute goatee). At a sleep over he pecked me on the cheek and told me he loved me.
Then a unlikely mailman came (well hello, Barney the Purple Dinosaur from my imagination, I should have realized I was dreaming when I saw you deliver that letter), with a letter shaped like a falcon, don't ask how, it was just falcon shaped. The letter only had four words:
"I love you more."
But the dream me knew that I loved someone else. It was no longer the falcon god. It was my friend's brother. And we, lamely, walked toward the sunset walking hands, while a falcon lay on the road behind us, crying in pain because of a broken heart.
I woke up.
And I thought about it.
I felt good during the dream.
But I felt good for all the wrong reasons.
I cried, mostly because I'm hormonally unhinged during the first two days of my monthly visitor, but partly because I hated my dream self for feeling good at cheating on the one person I love. I thought could this be possible? Would I ever actually do this to him? I hated the very thought of it.
As I cried, he called me.
Not the friend's brother, my falcon god called me, but this time he was just my normal significant other. And he proceeded to make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh till my tears were no longer there and all I felt was contentment. No friend's brother could ever give me the kind of love my falcon god could give.
Any good dream that ends with me hurting my falcon god is never a dream worth repeating. It is nothing but a nightmare worth forgetting.
I love you my falcon god.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Kuya, Love at its janajee-est
Officially Denied Hidden Status
I refuse to hide my scars.
And that’s just my hand
My body is filled with scars, and that’s not an emo-statement of a figurative matter like dude, I’ve got emotional scars of pain, anger and depression against life. Nope, I’m literally scarred all over. I’ve got scars on my legs, on my arms, on my hands, and even this belt like shaped scar at my back. They look pretty much the same as that wretched looking hand and I’ve had them ever since I was seven years old. I’m currently twenty-one, and for fourteen years I’ve been trying to hide them.
Of course, that’s impossible.
Of course. How can you completely hide your body, and still live a normal life (read: not look like an idiot)? But try I did. I’ve spent years wearing long-sleeved shirts, and pants everywhere I went. I even wore gloves at times. The only scar I didn’t manage to hide was my own face. It was hard, and not to mention really, since I’ve been living all my life in the tropics. In Brunei, it was tolerable because everywhere you went there was some semblance of an air-conditioned room, but in the Philippines? You’d die of dehydration from sweating too much, that is if the shame of walking around in sweaty clothes didn’t kill you first.
But I’ve firmly decided that I will no longer hide myself. For practical reasons and for the principle of it. Practical reasons include: it’s hot in the Philippines; I look like an idiot every time I go out, and I no longer want to feel like Edward Cullen who hides from the sun every chance I get.
And the principle is this: these scars are a part of who I am. They’re a part of the mould that formed Jana Macabali. To deny and to hide my scars seems pretty much hiding and denying me, and I no longer want to do that.
This is why this principle automatically follows several other things:
I will not hide my undying love for music. I will sing whenever and wherever I want, and you can’t stop me. Even if I sound like a cross between a bull and very dying frog, I will sing to my heart’s content.
I will not hide my love for predictable comedy shows/movies. Label me as shallow, label me all you want, but I will not back down and watch depressing things just because it’s the smart thing to do.
I will not hide my nationality as a Filipino. Ako ay Filipino na marunong magfilipino at hinding hindi mawawala ang pagmamahal ko sa inang bansa na kahit hindi ko kinalakihan, ay aking ipagyayabang pa rin. Mahal ko ang aking wika, kahit ako’y hindi magaling sa paggamit nito. Hindi ako matatakot magfilipino sa harap ng mga dayuhan, dahil wala akong pakielam kung anu man ang iniisip nila sa akin at sa aking mga kababayan. [For the foreigners who are reading this: I’m a Filipino who knows how to speak Filipino, and I will never lose my love for my Mother Country. Even though I did not grow up here, I will still be proud of it. I love my language, even though I’m not very good at it. I won’t be afraid to speak Filipino in front of foreigners, because I don’t care what they think about me and my countrymen].
I will not hide my belief and my faith as born again Christian. Call me a fanatic, call me religious, and call me whatever name you want, but I will not turn away from the greatest relationship and the greatest friend I have ever met: Jesus Christ.
It starts with my scars and it ends with so much more.
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Life in the form of chocolate, Philip Of Pines
Irony, Oh Bitter Irony
Words are lacking.
Ironically enough, though I say that, I can't seem to run out of words to say, type, shout and express the things that need to be said. Can't seem to describe what I'm feeling though.
I feel like I'm floating on a cloud, and it's not a good floating on a cloud feeling, but more of hanging, high up, in the air, just waiting, waiting, slowly, slowly, excruciatingly painful slowly waiting, till that final time the rain starts and the clouds can no longer hold me up and I fall, spiraling down, down, down into an abyss of darkness and fear, an ocean depth of tears.
Hmm, what do you know, I managed to describe it.
Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the people around me, but all of a sudden this week just blows. I can't wait till all of this is over, and I finally have the chance to leave [you] and all memories [of you] behind.
Sayonara!
Lotsa love, Jana
Labels: Lo this deserves no category
